A Woman’s Perspective on Men’s Silent Struggles
It may seem weird to have a woman writing an article about the challenges men face when going through a divorce, but during my past nine years as a Co-Parenting Specialist I have really seen what they face up front and close and been able to put myself in their shoes.
In fact, I have become so sensitive to what men experience, that I have begun to question the entire way men are cavalierly treated by women in a manner that if we were treated, we would be screaming “abuse”!
Everyday Disrespect: The Double Standard Men Face
Nowadays, when I sit with a group of girlfriends who start lamenting about their spouse gaining weight and how big their stomach has gotten and the refusal to work out, I try to lightly point out imagining if the men sat around and talked about us that way – we would be mortified and horrified. Inappropriate talk and objectifying men, even teenage boys and young adults – yup, women do it but would be disgusted by men doing the same.
Packing up clothes or items of theirs we don’t like when they are out of the house and pretending, we don’t know what happened to them? We just expect men to go along with it. Yet, when a woman described the same experience to me recently that her male spouse did this to her it was labeled as abuse.
Making jokes about men’s challenges with diapers, laundry, or loading the dishwasher – fodder for female joking around. Nothing is sacred. Yet, we expect to be treated with respect and we often treat men like they are a joke. Commercials used to do the same – the theme of every commercial of a male doing housework was to show them as clueless and how their product could even be used by a dumb male. Entire movies revolved around showing men struggling hilariously with taking on parenting duties. It has slowly changed over the years in commercials and movies, but I am not sure societal attitudes have caught up with it yet.
High-Conflict Co-Parenting Isn’t Just a ‘Dad Problem’
Believe me, I have seen my share of awful men. The ones who abandon their children or stick around and use their children as pawns to torture their ex-spouse. Many of my cases are centered around women and children who are victims of high conflict men. Yet, just as many are centered around high conflict women, who also add on using their role as the “mother” as some unique position that makes them ultimately more important than their male counterpart.
Here is more information on reestablish a fair balance of responsibilities in a post-divorce household, How to Divide the Parenting Roles: Before and After Divorce. It offers a step-by-step look at how to share duties before and after the split.
One woman shared with me that the cells she shared with her children while they were in the womb made her infinitely more connected to their biological children than her ex-spouse could ever experience, and that was what gave her the right to be awarded significantly more Parenting Time.
Others have stated that a father just cannot provide the nurturing support that a mother can, and therefore it would be irresponsible of the court system to give the father a 50-50 parenting schedule. I have heard it all.
While many feel the court system is gender biased, I do not see it. I feel the system has evolved and tries very hard to provide equal rights and access to both parents and values a meaningful relationship between the parents and the children if both parents are behaving appropriately and putting the needs of the children first. The people I hear about gender bias from are typically creating their own situation or angry that the other parent has as many rights as they do.
Unique Barriers Fathers Still Face in Co-Parenting
So, men face the same stumbling blocks that women do when dealing with a high conflict Co-Parent. They deal with lack of communication, stonewalling, being sidelined from events and medical information about the children, being cast in a negative light constantly to the children, being unable to collect monies owed to them, not being able to reach the children for scheduled phone calls, or being denied Parenting Time – all the typical moves that people who manipulate and use their children as pawns are determined to utilize.
Yet, for men who deal with this, or even for men in low-conflict Co-Parenting relationships, there are some unique challenges they face that women do not deal with that I have observed. It is even harder when the mother does not recognize these unique challenges and undermines the father’s hard work and does not support him through the process or if the mother has a majority of the time sharing and feels overwhelmed but will not admit it and request a more balanced schedule because they do not believe their children’s father can make positive changes.
There is help available though, and through Coaching, I have witnessed first-hand how quickly these issues can be addressed. Yet, I would be remiss not to note that without the support of the Co-Parent, it is a much more difficult road for a father to conquer these challenges. The article, Co-Parenting Teenage Daughters: A Father’s Guide to Rebuilding Connection After Divorce gives practical insights and encouragement for reconnecting with empathy and confidence.
Coaching is the recommended course of action, because it’s individualized support and forward-focused. However, in addition to coaching, networks like the National Parents Organization can also give support on shared parenting and helpful education on and father’s rights.
Here is a list of these unique challenges and how to overcome them:
1. Isolation After Divorce: When Men Lose Their Support System
Lack of support: Many men relied on their partner for social connections and find themselves sidelined outside the “friend group” post-divorce. In addition, it is more common for women to have a circle of close friends that they talk intimately with than men, so men often do not have a built-in outlet to discuss what they are going through and find themselves lonely and confused.
Divorce support groups are hard to find and sometimes are toxic groups where everyone is piling up complaints rather than working through issues with a focus toward a positive outlook on their future, although when you find a good one, it can be an excellent place to find support and deep connections with new friends.
Another outlet is getting in with a therapist (to focus on the past behaviors and issues) or Divorce Coach (to focus on the present and the future of being a solo parent), which is something I would suggest for anyone going through a divorce. Having someone focused specifically on your needs to process your feelings and helping you set goals for your new normal and future is lifesaving. Recently, I had the honor of meeting with a male client who got divorced a year ago for five sessions of post-Divorce coaching.
Taking Accountability and Building Emotional Resilience: A Path to Healing and Growth
He felt he had never processed his grief with anyone and he had no one to talk to, so he made the mistake of using his older son as his sounding board, which did not go well at all. His son was so angry that he did not want to see him on Father’s Day. He needed an outside party to just discuss his innermost feelings about some guilt and shame he felt around what he viewed as some of his shortcomings in the marriage, and also to understand if everything was truly his fault.
We talked about relationship dynamics and what he was able to control and his reactions to situations that he was unable to control. We discussed what he learned from his marriage and how he could apply those lessons to future relationships before jumping back into the dating pool. We set up goals for him to learn healthy ways to process the various feelings he had daily and to sit with the discomfort of those feelings rather than trying to distract himself, ignore the feelings, or worse – talk about them with any of his children.
Most importantly, he constructed a plan with me for holding himself accountable for the mistake he made with his son and being proactive about making amends rather than sitting around on Father’s Day feeling sorry for himself. I am happy to report that by owning his behaviors and showing his son an action plan for his own self-care that did not include using his son as his source of support, they were able to come back together and repair the hurt he had unintentionally caused.
One other idea for men – consider opening up to friends and family that you never got deeper with in the past. It may not work, but you may be pleasantly surprised that they can be there for you more than you think!
2. The Invisible Scrutiny: Facing Judgment as a Father
Everyone is judging you! There is something inherent in the belief that men cannot handle parenting the same way women can. Except for carrying a baby in their womb and breastfeeding, the genders are equally capable of all parenting responsibilities and nurturing is based on personality and not gender.
I have a brother who was a Stay at Home Father for several years to avoid the day care expenses, and every time he took the children for a little class, the women offered him advice on everything from changing diapers to how to feed the children and put them in the stroller properly. It was frustrating for him as he was a total pro and felt like everyone was making assumptions that he couldn’t handle things because he was male – yet he was the primary caregiver during those years and knew exactly what he was doing!
He ended up feeling so judged that he avoided going to class. They just could not find a way to treat him like an equal.
Empowering Fathers: Advocating for Yourself, Accepting Support, and Building Confidence in Parenting
It is important that as a father, you advocate for yourself with others. You don’t need to be defensive, as this just demonstrates insecurity, but it is okay to tell others that you have got this! Mothers –;you can help your Co-Parent by being a source of support to build their confidence and remind them that you at one point also struggled in the beginning and the learning curve existed for you as well. If you are willing to share tips and tricks without micromanaging that is great, but Fathers – you have to be able to openly accept this help without your ego getting in the way.
Be confident and ignore those around you and eventually people will learn that you are capable, and although they may not change their views of men in general (they will refer to you as this amazing original guy who is a great dad), they will at least leave you alone and stop judging. As far as family and friends, do accept help. It is not a failure as a parent to do so – women do the same. It takes a village, and no one is successful completely on their own.
Embracing Support: Building Confidence and Collaboration in Co-Parenting
Part of being a confident and happy parent is admitting you need others. Your children will benefit from this too because you won’t be so stressed out, and they will get to know other people in their lives and see that you and they are cared for by others in the community and family.
I remember coaching one very stressed-out father who was struggling with all the typical challenges of getting his children back and forth to school and their myriad of extracurricular activities while keeping up with his demanding work schedule. I told him the secret that mothers have known all along. Make friends with other parents at the school parking lot and the field, dance studio, or theater. Be open about your need for help and offer help in return. There are a ton of parents that have more flexible schedules who love to help other families; you just need to ask.
He walked out with his head down mumbling that he could not see himself doing it, but the next week he returned cheerfully reporting to me that he got up his nerve and people were crowding around when he mentioned his dilemma and were happy to jump in to assist. I really believe that despite what we read in the news, the world is generally full of good people that like to help others, and this solidified it – he just needed the confidence to know it was okay to ask for help!
Here are some practical ways to build better communication and set healthier expectations between co-parents, A Guide to Overcoming Common Co-Parenting Challenges.
Redefining Fatherhood: Breaking Barriers, Embracing Growth, and Strengthening Connections
Fathers face silent struggles that often go unacknowledged, but the tide is beginning to shift as we continue to shed light on this overlooked subject. As we continue to challenge these outdated narratives, encourage open dialogue, and recognize that strength in parenting is not defined by being a mother or father, but rather being presence, giving effort, and showing emotional growth. To the fathers who do feel isolated, and judged, or uncertain, just know that your role is most important to the long term mental and societal health of your child.
Your children benefit when you show up fully and fully committed, they’re not looking for you to become the perfect parent. By getting out of your own way and seeking the right support, you give your children the chance at a foundation they need to heal with a healthy mindset. By modeling balance and resilience in challenging situations, you become the source of strength for your children. Keep going. You’re more needed than you may ever realize.