Should I Get a Divorce?

Should I Get a Divorce? Should I Divorce My Husband? Should I Divorce My Wife?

When thinking about divorcing your spouse there are often common issues that have led you to that place, some of a moderate nature, other issues are very serious and should not be dismissed.

Some of the most common red flags that may signal the end of a marriage include: frequent arguments that never get resolved, feeling emotionally disconnected or lonely in your relationship, lack of trust, repeated betrayals, or fantasizing about life without your partner. If you’re consistently feeling anxious, drained, or unsupported, these are strong signals that the foundation of your relationship may be weakening.

Marriages fall apart for so many myriad reasons. Here are some that you may relate to:

1. Sometimes there are problems from the beginning that never get resolved and become entrenched in the couple dynamics, creating a dysfunctional relationship and resulting in eventual resentment and unhappiness.
2. A couple may seem to be happy for many years but find themselves changing with time and simply growing apart and losing their connection. This happens most frequently when a couple has spent many years raising their children but not maintaining the connection in their own relationship. When the children are grown and need less time and attention, older couples sometimes suddenly find that they don’t know their partner anymore and have trouble reestablishing their common grounds and interests. 
3. A lack of physical intimacy can damage a relationship and cause a couple to lose their connection. Sometimes it is one partner who loses their attraction to the other, but other times it could be a medical situation, whether physical or mental, that creates the obstacle and is hard for the other partner to cope with. 
4.  Financial difficulties can put a strain on a marriage, inserting tension and frustration where there was none before. Chronic worry about financial stability or how to pay the bills can be the issue that drives a wedge in the relationship. If both partners are willing to work together to stay united and focused, it can be overcome, but if the financial difficulties are due to the excessive spending of one partner who is not interested in discussing the issue, it can bring you to the breaking point with stress and worry.
5. Then there are other situations that take us into more extreme situations, such as drug or alcohol or physical abuse. This is a difficult and painful situation to be in and may require more consultation with therapists, financial and legal advisors to help you develop an “exit plan”. Don’t hesitate to use the resources available to give you the protection and guidance that you need. 

Is it normal to think about divorce? Understanding the Emotional Process

Yes, it is normal to think about divorce, even when there isn’t some massive trauma or betrayal happening in your marriage. Sometimes life can be overwhelming and tumultuous and that contributes to a lack of communication between a couple, negative assumptions about the other and a divergence in envisioning the way forward. 

Even contemplating divorce can be emotionally exhausting. You may experience feelings of guilt, confusion, fear of the unknown, and grief over the potential end of what once felt like a lifelong partnership. It’s common to cycle through denial, sadness, anger, and eventually, acceptance. Recognizing these feelings as part of the process can help you feel less alone and better equipped to navigate the journey.

Sometimes it is simply a matter of two people growing apart and losing the connection that they once had. 

And then there are the more serious situations of abuse or dysfunction which concern your emotional or physical safety. Those are maybe easier in the sense that the decision making becomes more clear. 

It’s completely normal to think about divorce – the important question to examine carefully is if you should divorce? Is it the right choice for you? Is this situation untenable? Are there toxic or abusive patterns developing (or were they always there)? What are your desires and goals for this marriage? What can be done to repair the relationship? Can you see a situation in which the issues you are having can be resolved and the two of you can move forward together as a united couple? 

It’s important to weigh all of the factors that are contributing to how you feel now and explore options available to you whether you choose to work to repair your relationship or decide that you are ready to move on. Seeking out reliable counsel from your support system or finding a therapist or other professional to speak with to express your concerns and help you find clarity and the best way forward for you can be invaluable.

Things to Do If You Are Thinking About Divorce

If you think that you have come to that decision and know that you are ready to move forward, where do you start? Things don’t generally just come to a screeching halt out of nowhere from one day to the next, and it’s advisable to take your time truly understanding the reasons behind wanting a divorce and how it will impact your life and your children’s lives. 

5 First Steps to Take If You’re Thinking About Divorce

1. Find someone you trust to speak with who can be objective and help you find clarity on what your priorities and challenges are with your spouse. That may be a divorce coach or a therapist. Only you can answer that question, and it’s best not to make this a rash decision.
2. Ask yourself if there is a possibility for rapprochement and reconciliation or if all efforts have been made and you still find yourself contemplating divorce. Take your time thinking and evaluating if this is the best decision for you. 
3. Consider speaking with a divorce coach who is trained and experienced in the specific issues around the whole process of divorce and what emotional, legal and physical challenges go hand in hand.
4. Evaluate your financial situation, speak to a financial advisor to get an understanding of what your potential future living single or as a single parent would mean in terms of your ability to support yourself. What would your new budget look like and what would be your expenses? 
5. Unless you are in a dangerous or abusive situation, know that there doesn’t have to be a timeline on your decision once you begin to contemplate divorce. It is a huge decision and one that is best made when you are as informed and educated as possible, with a support system and network of contact in place.

For many peopel, cultural or religious beliefs can make the idea of divorce feel forbidden or shameful. You may face community judgment or feel spiritually conflicted. If this resonates with you, consider speaking with a spiritual advisor, counselor familiar with your background, or someone who can help you explore your values alongside your personal well-being. Your decision deserves compassion and support, not guilt.

I think I want a divorce

Once You’ve Decided to Divorce. Here’s What to Do Next

1. Speak to your spouse. If you haven’t already been discussing (or arguing) about ending the marriage, See if they are on the same page and there are no surprises on either end in terms of expectations for your future. Be clear in what your intentions and expectations are for moving ahead with this process. If it’s possible to begin on a cooperative footing, you can even discuss what your ideal situation would be in terms of division of property and custody of children. (However, if that is not the case, then that discussion would be best to have first with a divorce coach, mediator or legal counsel). 
2. If you have children, discuss with your soon to be ex-spouse how and when you want to inform the children of the decision you have made and what that will mean for them. Make sure to reassure them that they have nothing to do with this decision and that you both love them and will be there for them regardless of the state of your marriage. Children will inevitably be affected by your separation and divorce but the more that you can do to maintain love and support for them, the easier the process will be for them. Research shows that while divorce can be difficult for children in the short term, many adjust well over time, especially when both parents remain actively involved and cooperative. Open communication, routine, and emotional reassurance can greatly reduce stress. It’s also important to model healthy coping behaviors and encourage therapy if needed to help your children express and process their emotions.
3. Talk to your support network – friends, family members, advisors and mentors. Let them know you will be navigating a transition to a new paradigm and life structure and that you will need them to be supportive and compassionate during this time. 
4. Begin to seek out the resources you will need to help you navigate the divorce process. Irooze offers a well-rounded Divorce Directory of trained professionals that can support you in all aspects of divorce, from legal counsel specializing in your region, real estate agents, financial advisors, divorce coaches and therapists. Additionally, when you take the Self-Assessment, not only does that entitle you to a free strategy call with our Divorce Coach, but the results will help you identify and clarify what your needs are and what resources will be most helpful to you.

Take a Breath: Managing Emotions During Divorce

 Accepting that you have made the decision to divorce, and contemplating the big changes that will result, can be overwhelming. Take things one day at a time. Know that you will get through this and will likely see your life change for the better on the other side. You’ve got this.

Remember, divorce can be perceived as a bad thing because it’s the break up of the family and everything you have been familiar with. But, if you look at all the things that you ARE going to have and all those things are going to be introduced into your life, you will see that divorce isn’t necessarily a bad thing if it opens the door to better and healthier experiences. Using this time to focus on your future rather than your past will help you rise above the challenges and keep you moving forward. 

If you’re unsure whether divorce is the right choice for you, take a look at Should I Get a Divorce? 10 Essential Considerations to Help You Decide, where we explore important factors to help guide your decision-making process.