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Family Law/Divorce Legal Consultant
Los Angeles County, Ventura County, California
Family Mediator
Arroyo Grande, California, 93420
United States
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Dividing marital finances during a California divorce can be complex, and especially when it involves shared debts, joint accounts, and long-term planning. Our vetted divorce-trained financial specialist can help you build a realistic budget, divide assets and retirement funds, provide you various financial scenarios to choose from, guide you through the QDRO process for splitting retirement accounts. Their role is to ensure fair asset division while keeping in mind the California divorce laws.
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Financial Planner, CDFA® , CFP®
3349 Michelson Dr
Irvine, California, 92612
United States
Orange County
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About Easton
After graduation, I earned the Certified Financial Planner® and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® certifications to further educate and distinguish myself. As a financial planner with a certified specialty in the realm of divorce, I help clients by providing services including but not limited to property settlement negotiations, collaboration with the client’s legal team to minimize legal fees, education on tax implications, financial scenarios and projections, disclosure interpretation and completion. Most importantly, I guide clients in answering the “am I going to be okay” question through this major life transition.
Easton Price, CDFA serving parents in Orange County and San Diego County in California shares the valuable tips:
Emotional vs. Financial Decision: Deciding whether to keep, sell, or give the marital home to the other spouse is a deeply emotional decision. However, it’s crucial to balance these emotions with financial realities to ensure you’re making the best choice for your future.
Can You Afford the Home Post-Divorce?: The question isn’t just about keeping the house—it’s about whether you can afford the ongoing costs, like mortgage payments, property taxes, homeowners insurance, and HOA fees. This is especially important if you’ve already given up other assets to offset the value of the home in the divorce settlement.
Impact of Home on Asset Balance: The marital home is often the largest asset in a divorce, and taking it on can create an imbalance in the division of assets. You may have to give up retirement savings or other investments to offset the home’s value, which can leave you financially strained post-divorce.
Refinancing Challenges: If you decide to keep the home, you may need to refinance the mortgage in your name alone. This can be difficult if you lack a strong income history, especially if you’ve been out of the workforce for a while. You’ll need to ensure you qualify for the mortgage and can maintain the home financially in the long term.
Credit Score Considerations: A healthy credit score is critical when applying for a mortgage post-divorce. If you’re considering keeping the home, check your credit report in advance and take steps to improve your score, such as paying off credit cards on time and reducing balances.
6. Work with a Team of Professionals: When making decisions about the marital home, it’s important to work with both a financial professional (like a CDFA) and a lawyer. Addressing these issues during the divorce negotiations, rather than after everything is finalized, will help ensure that you make a well-informed decision and avoid costly mistakes.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Easton, who is a CDFA, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst in California serving Orange County or San Diego County. We’re going to be talking specifically to all you mothers and women who have not paid a bill before. Your husbands were the ones taking care of all the bills, the assets, buying the cars, buying the home, doing this, doing that, and you just don’t know where you stand. You don’t know how much you own, you don’t know how to pay bills, you don’t know how to budget, and it’s scary, you may feel intimidated by it.
First of all, we want you to know your lawyer is not the one who should be doing this math with you. This is the role of someone who is a financial analyst, such as Easton, who is a CDFA. So Easton is going to be sharing some tips and strategies and things just to get you started and show you how he can help you from this point forward on the financial side of things.
(1:01) Thank you so much for being here, looking forward to hearing your tips. Thanks Ravit. Divorce is scary. It can be extremely scary, and especially when you are one whose primary responsibilities in the marriage have not been paying bills, writing checks, handling the finances, managing the investments. And now when all of that is so prevalent and top of mind, it can be overwhelming. It can just be so terrifying.
And I’ve seen this time and time again. And so one of the things that I like to do as a CDFA is I really like to come alongside these clients who have never had experience swimming in these waters and help educate and empower them as they’re going through their divorce. So one of the first things that we should talk about is the date of separation.
And that date is so important because that’s the date where the couple communicates and acts in accordance with the fact that their marriage is no more. And as of that date, accounts are now split. And so what I do for someone who has never managed, they’ve never maybe even logged in to their bank accounts or their investment portfolios, is I’ll come alongside them and really handhold through the process of, hey, let’s identify how much cash you have in the bank, at what banks do you guys primarily bank with, and let’s get the account split.
(2:24) Let’s give you some semblance of an idea of what assets are out there and what liabilities are out there. And we call it in the financial world, the marital balance sheet. But really what that means is we’ll help compile all of the data for you.
We’ll compile it. We’ll distill it down. Your job is not to understand everything in the financial planning world or on the marital balance sheet, all the assets and liabilities.
That’s my job. My job is then to help you understand the best next step forward, given your values, your goals, and your wants beyond your divorce. And so coming alongside, helping you create the budget, and then running what we call financial projections based on different scenarios of how the divorce could shake out to give you an idea of what the next chapter of life could look like beyond, is a value add that I bring to all of my clients who maybe don’t have experience swimming in these waters.
Yeah, absolutely. It may feel a little bit intimidating, but please rest assured that you don’t have to have all the answers. When you work with your lawyer in conjunction with, let’s say, Easton, who’s the financial whiz guy, you’ll learn a lot.
(3:39) And from all that, you’ll be able to transfer all these skills and all this knowledge into your new life. He could help you budget. Let’s say you want to buy a new home, you want to buy a new car, you want to go on vacation, you’re not sure what you could afford, what you can or cannot do.
This is what he could help you do in terms of your planning. So it’s really important that you have your own independent person who’s helping you, and not only rely on your husband or your husband’s people. It’s really good that you have your own, so you could have these open, honest conversations and be really transparent and figure out what makes sense for you and meeting your goals. Thank you so much for being here, Easton, with us. If you’re in Orange County or San Diego County in California and you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to him. All his coordinates are here below. And I’m sure he’ll be delighted to help you and navigate through this process. Thank you so much for being here. Until the next time we speak, I wish you a day that matters.
Easton Price, CDFA serving parents in Orange County or San Diego County in California shares these 6 tips:
Financial Overwhelm After Divorce: Many women find themselves overwhelmed and intimidated when facing financial responsibilities post-divorce, especially if their husbands previously managed all the bills and assets. You’re not alone, and you can get the help you need.
Importance of a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA): Your lawyer may not be the best person to guide you through the financial side of divorce. A CDFA, like Easton, is trained to help you understand your financial situation, from assets to liabilities, and assist in planning for your future.
The Date of Separation is Key: The date of separation marks when your finances should be divided. A CDFA can help you identify and separate your joint accounts, giving you clarity on where you stand financially moving forward.
Creating a Marital Balance Sheet: A CDFA will help you compile a “marital balance sheet” to understand all your financial assets and liabilities, even if you’ve never handled these matters before. You don’t need to know everything, just the big picture.
Financial Projections for Your Future: After gathering all the data, a CDFA can create financial projections for different divorce scenarios. This helps you visualize what your future financial life could look like, giving you a sense of control and security.
Empowering You for the Next Chapter: With the help of a financial professional, you can learn how to budget, plan for big purchases (like a new home or car), and make sure your goals are aligned with your financial reality. It’s all about moving forward with confidence.
Easton Price, CDFA shares valuable tips with parents in Orange County and San Diego County, California
Understand the Automatic Temporary Restraining Orders (Atros): Upon filing for divorce, an automatic temporary restraining order (Atros) is issued to protect both parties. It prevents significant financial changes, such as large withdrawals or asset transfers, ensuring both spouses maintain the status quo during the divorce process.
Change Account Titling: One important step during divorce is adjusting the title of joint accounts. If your account is titled as “joint with right of survivorship,” you should change it to “joint tenants in common.” This ensures your share of the account does not automatically pass to your ex-spouse if you pass away during the divorce proceedings.
Update Estate Documents: Divorce often means updating critical estate documents like your Durable Power of Attorney and Advance Healthcare Directive. Ensure that your ex-spouse is removed from key positions such as healthcare agent or attorney-in-fact. Also, don’t forget to revise your will to reflect your new priorities post-divorce.
Collaborate with a CDFA for Financial Guidance: While your lawyer handles the legal side of your divorce, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) can help you with the financial aspects. They assist with property settlement negotiations, tax implications, and future financial projections, ensuring you understand the full financial picture.
Subpoena Financial Documents if Necessary: If you’re concerned that your spouse isn’t being forthcoming with financial information, a CDFA can work with your attorney to subpoena documents from workplaces or third parties. This ensures that all financial data is disclosed during the divorce process, preventing any surprises down the line.
6. Consider Forensic Accountants for Hidden Assets: If you suspect your spouse may be hiding assets, consider working with a forensic accountant. These professionals specialize in tracing assets and liabilities, ensuring a fair and transparent division of property during the divorce settlement.
Hi, my name is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze. Super pleased to be here with Easton Price, who is from California serving Orange County or San Diego County. Easton is a divorce-trained financial analyst, which is known as CDFA. And we’re going to be talking about what the first things you should do when you’re getting divorced and there are finances and assets to discuss, to split, to figure out, and Easton has some tips for you to follow. Thanks so much for being here, really looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Absolutely, thanks for having me, Ravie. So, you know, one of the big things when a couple goes to dissolve the marriage, we call that the dissolution of marriage.
Immediately upon filing for a dissolution of marriage or an annulment of your marriage or a legal separation, whatever it is, there’s what’s called an automatic temporary restraining order that’s issued by the courts to both parties. And this is commonly referred to as the atros. And what these automatic temporary restraining orders or atros do is they are designed to preserve the status quo. (1:17) Okay, what does that mean, status quo? That means you can’t make monumental or significant distributions from your investment accounts. You can’t make significant life changes during the atros. And it’s really designed to protect both spouses from each other, right? Go figure in the divorce. And so when it comes to what you can do, and this is what I highly, you know, encourage clients to do, is once subject to the atros, there are a few things that we should probably consider doing, one of which is changing title on your account. So you cannot go in and change beneficiaries on your accounts. That’s a big no-no. You’re going to get flagged for doing that. But what you can do is if you have a joint account, a joint brokerage account titled with your future ex-spouse, and it’s titled in, you know, joint with right of survivorship, what that entails is if you were to pass away, that half of that account that’s yours would go and flow to your future ex-spouse. You probably don’t want that since you’re getting divorced. So to avoid that, what you can do is change the titling from joint with right of survivorship to joint tenants in common. And what that does is say you’re both still 50-50 owners, but it gives you each the right to go and name whoever you’d like to be as your own beneficiary on that account. So upon your death, what you can do is name a child, a cousin, a friend, whoever you’d anyone but your ex-spouse, which I’m imagining is probably who you’d want to name there. (2:55) So big thing to do there is change the titling on your accounts. Number two, something to consider, update your estate documents. You know, in California, community property state, it’s likely that your spouse is named in some very important positions, such as the attorney-in-fact and the healthcare agent. And what those two positions are, they are on your durable power of attorney. So basically dictates who gets control or who can help with finances in the event that you’re incapacitated and the advanced healthcare directive or the healthcare agent, which is the person who gets to make decisions on your behalf regarding your health in the event that you’re incapacitated and can’t do so for yourself. You probably have your ex-spouse listed in both of these positions. And so what you’re going to want to do is consider making a change. And this is totally allowable under Atros. Not a problem. You can do it without being under any violation of the court and of these automatic orders. So consider changing those. And then consider drafting a new will, a last will, because it’s very likely that you’re kind of giving everything to your spouse as well under your last will and testament. (4:08) A couple of things to think about there. Now, as far as I’m going through a divorce, when should I consider working with a CDFA or Certified Divorce Financial Analyst? Well, I really like to collaborate with family law attorneys. And under the Atros and as soon as the dissolution for marriage is filed, it’s likely that you’re going to have some sort of legal representation, whether it’s a mediator, an arbitrator, or a family law attorney on your side as you’re going through the litigation process. And what I like to do is I like to defer to them for all of the family law. They are the experts when it comes to the legalese and all the jargon that that entails. I don’t pretend to be a lawyer. (4:51) What I do for my clients is I come alongside them to help them with the property settlement negotiations, understanding the tax implications of, okay, if I give up this asset and I maintain this asset, what does that do to my future tax scenario? What does that do to my taxes today? And what are some planning opportunities around those things? So to kind of recap that, we defer to the family law attorney for the law. I take care of the finances. As much as lawyers know around law, they just don’t know everything around finances. And I don’t pretend to know everything either, but I think I know a little bit more than they do when it comes to the finances. And so if you’re looking for that piece of the puzzle to have someone come alongside and say, hey, help me understand what I’m actually looking at on this financial projection, that’s where bringing in a CDFA professional can really help you. And then last thing on this, Ravi, that I think is super important is if you’re dealing with an ex-spouse who is uncooperative, an ex-spouse who is unwilling to maybe disclose all the information, all the financial data, or maybe you think they’re disclosing everything, but so much distrust has built that you don’t know if they really are sharing everything and you want to be totally sure. (6:08) Here’s a couple of routes you can go. I, as a CDFA professional, cannot petition the opposing party for these documents, but we can collaborate with your family law attorney to subpoena either the workplace or the individual to maintain these documents and to obtain them. And then secondly, if it gets really shady and you think there’s hidden assets or things like that, then what we can consider doing, and we’ve got a network of these accountants that we work with, and they’re called forensic accountants. And what they do is they come in and they can do separate property tracing, community property tracing, and they’ll look back over a number of years at tax returns, business returns, et cetera, to make sure that all assets, all liabilities, everything is on the table in terms of property settlement negotiation so that all parties are coming at this from a place of eyes are wide open and full understanding. And so those are kind of the tips and tricks I would think about initially upon filing for divorce review. And I don’t know if you have any follow-up questions or anything like that. Yeah, so I just want to summarize a couple of things. One of the most important things that we see often is when people are relying too much on their lawyer and not asking the right question to the right professional. So please don’t rely on all your financial questions with a lawyer like you wouldn’t ask all your real estate questions to a lawyer either. (7:38) If you work within a team and this team works well together and everyone has like their pieces of sort of this puzzle and they each collaborate together, first of all, it’ll likely be less expensive than always going to your attorney for questions. B, you’re going to get proper and accurate information that you know is not going to backfire on you. So we’ve seen many people who rely solely on their lawyer, you know, draft everything up in an agreement and then they’re done their agreement, they go into the real world and lo and behold, all these surprises. And then you have to reopen Pandora’s box and then go back and change things and fight with your ex again. It’s not worth it. It is really not worth it. If you have assets, if you have questions, if there’s anything that you want to know, you need to do that before you sign any agreement. So please feel free to reach out to Easton. If you’re in Orange County or San Diego County in California and you have any questions, I’m sure that he’ll be delighted to help you out. And thank you Easton for being here. Thank you for sharing all this great information with us. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Easton Price, CDFA shares valuable tips with parents in Orange County and San Diego County, California
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Easton Price who is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, also known as CDFA, in California serving Orange County or San Diego County.. And what we want to talk about today is your marital home, what happens on the financial side of things. It’s a very big decision to make, whether to keep the house, sell it, give it to the other spouse.
But in addition to that emotional attachment to the house, there’s also the financial consideration. Does it make sense for you today and into the future? Have you thought about the whole picture? Have you analyzed it carefully? Have you looked at, crossed your T’s, dot your I’s, like looked at every angle possible? Because the last thing that you want is to finalize your divorce agreement, come out into the real world, say, great, now we’re going to go and do everything that we had listed in our agreement, and now it’s time for me to take action, and something stops and something stalls. And then you start to reverse engineer all the mistakes that you’ve made, and you don’t want to do that.
Easton is here to help us provide us a high level look at what you should be thinking about, what you should be doing from this point forward. So thank you so much for being here, really looking to hear your wisdom. Absolutely. Thanks, Ravit. And you hit the nail on the head. This is such an emotional topic, right? When we get to the point where we’re working with a client and we’re working on their marital balance sheet, and we get to the line item that has the marital home listed, this carries so much emotional burden and weight with it, that as a CDFA professional, one of the big value adds I think that I can provide to my clients is helping them sift the emotion versus the logic and really weighing out what makes the most sense for them.
Like you said, post-divorce, they don’t end up really cash poor because they’ve got this big house. And so one of the big questions I want to talk about is, can we afford, can you afford the marital home, right? Can you make that work? And the reason why this is such a big question is, so in California, community property state, we’re building out the big balance sheet for them. We’ve got all the assets listed, we’ve got all the liabilities listed, we’ve got all the community property, all the separate property claims.
(2:33) And what we have to do is at the bottom, there’s going to be an equalization kind of line item. And if we’ve got the marital home, that’s oftentimes the biggest asset that a couple deals with in their dissolution of marriage, their divorce, right? It’s a tough conversation to have, because if I put that biggest asset that you have on your side of the balance sheet, what that does is that creates a massive imbalance of assets and liabilities generally. And we have to use what cash and investments and whatever sort of retirement accounts you’ve built up and accumulated over the years, we’ve got to move those to your ex-spouse’s column to offset or equalize the imbalance that putting the marital home in your column has created.
And so what does that do for you long-term? Well, as Ravi alluded to earlier, if post-divorce, paperwork is signed, all is said and done, you’re in the marital home, not only do you now have to worry about property taxes and homeowners insurance and HOA fees, you now are on the hook for all of those things and potentially could have given up, and I say given up lightly, but you could have exchanged your retirement accounts, brokerage accounts, a big chunk of cash to your ex-spouse to offset for that asset. And that could leave you, as I mentioned earlier, very cash poor, just because you maintain the home. So, yes, maintaining the home is a big priority for a lot of the clients I work with.
(4:18) And if it’s possible, if it makes financial sense and it makes emotional sense, then excellent. That’s the scenario we want every single time. However, we’ve got to game out, does this actually make sense? You know, Ravi, working with a lot of women in their life transitions and going through these divorces, one of the big things we find is this delineation of duties.
In a very traditional marriage, the husband is typically out working and maybe the separation of duties is that the wife is the caretaker. She is raising the kids. That is her full-time job and she is much better at it than the husband.
(4:57) And so one of the things that I think gets really tricky is if the wife has elected to forego her career and her working years, if that’s what she’s been sacrificing to take care of the kids and raise the family, then if the home still has a mortgage on it or if they have to refinance and get a new mortgage for the home that’s just in her name, which is likely the case, is she going to be able to qualify for that loan? And this opens up a whole can of worms that we won’t get into in this video, but happy to talk about with prospective clients down the road. But can you actually afford to maintain that mortgage? And with no income history or very little income history, even if you’ve got a big chunk of cash in the bank, lenders might not necessarily be jumping at that opportunity. And so something super critical to consider is, okay, can I afford the ongoing upkeep, maintenance, property taxes, et cetera, out of monthly cashflow? Do I have social security coming in? Do I have spousal support coming in? Am I still working? So all these factors, but then if I’ve got to refinance the mortgage and get it in my name alone, because right now it’s currently titled in both of our names, can I actually qualify for that? And then one other consideration here really quick, Ravit, is I think around credit score.
And I know we’re talking about the marital home, but making sure that your credit is healthy so that if you do have to apply for a loan, that lenders can see that, hey, you know what? You’re a responsible lender. And there’s a whole bunch of things that you can do that we won’t talk about here, but paying credit cards on time, making sure you don’t have massive credit balances rolling over to every month and having a decent length of credit history, I would say maybe top three there to show lenders that you’re a responsible borrower. So if this is something that is on the horizon for you, is this discussion around the marital home, when it comes to your credit score, go run a free credit report from one of the three or all three of the credit reporting agencies and just see where you’re at and see if there’s maybe some things that you can do between now and when your divorce finalizes to possibly improve that credit score.
(7:17) And that’s the last thing I’ll say about that, Ravit. So this may feel overwhelming and there might be a lot of details in here, but the overall conversation is if you want to keep the house or figure out what do you do, keep it, sell it? Can you qualify for a mortgage in the future? What do you need in order to qualify? These are all questions to ask in advance. So Easton’s job is to look at the high level picture of helping you reach your goals.
And in order to do that, it really has to be done in conjunction with your lawyer while you’re in negotiation and not after you’re done. After you’re done, it’s very complicated. It’s very hard to go and reverse engineer what was done, signed, sealed, and delivered, right? So important thing is to consider can you afford it? Will you be able to qualify for a mortgage? Do you have the proper income that they’re looking for? And cash in bank, like let’s say you have a million dollars in your account, does not necessarily qualify you for a mortgage.
(8:19) Please don’t be disillusioned by the number. That’s not necessarily what a lender is going to be looking for. And also looking at your credit and all the kinds of things that you’re probably not really thinking about.
So if you’re in California – more particularly, in Orange County or San Diego County, and you have these questions and you want to dive deeper into it, please do reach out to Easton. All his coordinates are here below. And I’m sure he’d be delighted to provide you a consultation to see if and how he could help you move forward from this point forward. Thank you so much for being here, Easton. Thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you a day that matters.
Business Valuation Expert
Santa Barbara, California
United States
About Jim
I specialize in working with:
Divorcing couples who need a neutral expert to value a business
One spouse in cases where the other side isn’t cooperating
Lawyers and divorce professionals who want reliable, easy-to-understand reports for their clients
Anyone who wants to understand what drives business value and how it affects divorce settlements
Physically, your home is property but emotionally, it’s often ground zero during a divorce. In California, deciding who keeps the house or agreeing to sell it is a major part of dividing marital assets. Since California is a community property state, the family home is typically shared equally, but the added factors like equity, mortgage debt, and post-divorce living arrangements can make things more complicated.
Understanding your rights when it comes to property division, real estate in divorce, and protecting your homeownership after divorce is key to securing your future. See our trusted professionals below.
Real Estate Specialist
San Diego County
California
See Tony's Profile
About Tony
As a real estate specialist in north county San Diego, California, I make it my job to know the community and market trends. My expertise is working with both buyers and sellers. My love for this city will no doubt contribute to me assisting you with the sale of your current home or finding you a home that matches your needs and lifestyle.
I have assisted many families relocating in or out of San Diego County first time home buyers who are embarking on purchasing that American dream and countless sellers looking to create a new lifestyle either by moving up out of the area or downsizing.
I have also assisted many families who are taking that unfortunate path of moving on in separate ways. Having been through the divorce process myself, I have full empathy for anyone who is navigating this new world. Know that I am objective and always keep the primary goal in mind – which is to get your home sold in the least amount of time, with the least amount of stress for the most net return.
Parenting during and after separation and divorce brings unique challenges, especially when trying to protect your children’s well-being during such a major life transition.
Whether you’re at the starting point of deciding what to stay to your children, or co-parenting, parallel parenting, or blending families as step-parents, our vetted and experienced parenting coordinators, parenting coaches and other professionals will support you every step of the way.
Parent Educator and Divorce Coach
Mountain View, California, 94043
United States
About Kristene
I work with thoughtful, loving parents at any stage of divorce (although things usually go much better for the kids when I’m brought in early in the process). I am comfortable working with both parents together, separately but coordinating with a plan, or individually in high-conflict situations.
No matter where you are in the process, I can help build the confidence and connection you need to move forward with your child no matter your family structure.
Practical Parenting Tips for California Parents by Kristene Geering
1. Reframe Chores as Connection, Not Burden
Instead of seeing chores as overwhelming, view them as bonding opportunities- folding laundry, cooking, or doing dishes together creates moments of connection.
2. Every Child Can Help
At Any AgeDon’t wait for chore charts by age. Instead, break each task into age-appropriate parts so even toddlers can contribute and feel capable.
3. Chores Build Executive Function Skills
Task planning, prioritizing, and responsibility are all developed through simple daily chores- making kids more organized and academically prepared.
4. Let Go of Perfection
Practice Makes BetterSolo parenting doesn’t require perfection. Model failure, learning, and growth for your child. Progress is more valuable than doing it “right.”
5. Empower Kids to Build Lifelong Skills
Teaching kids to cook, clean, or prep lunchboxes fosters independence, creativity, and self-confidence that stays with them into adulthood.
6. Judgment Will Come
Choose What Works for YouPeople may criticize your methods, but prioritizing your capacity and your child’s growth is what truly matters. Ignore the noise, embrace what works.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Kristene Geering who is a parenting expert in California. And we’re talking about a really important topic which tends to affect a lot of families and that’s the chores. So let’s say you weren’t, you know, there was a stay at home mom. So now as single dad, you’re finding it overwhelming to do laundry and cook and make lunchboxes and figure out what to do and when and how. And just that is creating a chaos. And maybe it’s deterring you from wanting to take your kids, you know, because you’re not sure how to put this all together and your fear of failure or fear of seeing as a failure to your ex-wife or vice versa.
The dad was the one who was taking care of everything and now as a single mom, you’re felt like you’re struggling to figure out how do I do all this and manage all of this. So Kris is here to help us, give us some guidance and some strategies. Really looking forward to it.
Thank you for being here with us. Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me. I’m glad to be here. I actually love talking about chores in every avenue of life because they’re so valuable and oddly controversial. So a lot of times if you have one parent who’s been staying at home and they’ve kind of been taking care of everything, especially sometimes there’s a parent who wants things done a certain way.
And I got to tell you, I’m, when it comes to the dishwasher, I’m totally that parent. Like you got to load that thing properly and I’ll teach my kids how to do it. And my husband never gets it right, but that’s okay.
(1:54)
What you want to really think about is what needs to be done. And then you think about your child and where they are developmentally. And I guarantee you, so long as your kid is mobile and can get up and move around the house, they can help with chores.
I see all these charts out there like, Oh, what can an eight year old do? And what can a 10 year old do? I don’t like this. Any kid at any age can do any chore. The challenge for the parent is to think about what part of the chore can the child do? So if you are suddenly finding yourself, if you’re the dad, for example, and you’re like, I don’t know, I’ve never had to do laundry with my kids.
I don’t know how to, because we all know it’s like sissy fist, right? It’s like rolling that laundry rock up the hill over and over and over again. So how do you break that down and take care of your kids at the same time? Involve them, turn laundry into something that is a bonding experience with you and your kid. If you’ve got a three or four year old, they can help fold washcloths.
(2:58)
They can help carry a basket from one room to another room. They can, if you give them a stepstool, they can reach the top of the washing machine and maybe even push the button if you tell them which one to push. So the first thing is to reframe chores from this horrible thing that we have to do to an opportunity to connect with your child and bond with your child.
And the next step in the reframe is to look at chores as a way to help your child feel more competent in the world, right? When my kids first learned how to cook breakfast, they learned how to cook scrambled eggs. They were, I think they were six or seven. When they had a friend sleepover, they’re the ones who got up and made breakfast for their friends in the morning.
And I didn’t do it. Oh my goodness, the pride on their faces. It’s, I don’t know, it’s like a long drink after a long walk in the desert.
(3:56)
But the thing most parents don’t realize is that chores actually are a way to improve academics as well. Because chores are an opportunity to practice executive function skills. There’s a lot of buzz about executive functions these days.
It’s all of the things that live in this front part of the brain up here. And it’s like an executive, like a CEO, you’ve got to think about planning and priority. And, you know, how am I going to put this thing together? And who’s going to be in charge of it? All of those little tiny pieces you’ve got to think about.
They’re developmental skills. We see that when kids stand up and they first start walking, we expect them to fall down a lot. Everybody knows that happens.
(4:41)
Very few kids just stand up and start walking one day. We forget that these executive function skills are the same thing. Our kids are going to do it and then they’re going to mess up and they’re going to forget or they’re not going to be able to do something at all.
And instead of understanding, oh, this is something that’s developmental, I can help them work on, parents get really frustrated. Understandably so, when the backpack is on the floor in the middle of the room again, and it’s the 75th time this week. Chores are a great way for parents to really help their kids build these skills.
(5:17)
In one of the books that I’ve written on chores, which talks about this very explicitly, it explains how to break things down into smaller pieces, how to support your child and what they can do right now, what they can do with a little support and what they can’t quite do yet. But I think for parents who are just sort of acclimating to this new world of doing it on your own, the most important piece to lean into is that bonding with your child. If you can view doing dishes as a way to splash bubbles and, you know, sing silly songs and you still get it done, then that’s a win.
If you can review packing lunches as a way to talk about your kid’s day, like, oh, who do you eat lunch with? Right, when you’re at school, how do you how do you spend your time during lunch? Just getting a window into their world while you’re working together and you’re teaching them how to do it, that’s the first step. Over time, your child’s going to be able to take over more and more of those skills on their own. So it actually takes a load off of you.
(6:30)
It’s great when they’re teenagers. It’s fantastic. But in that beginning stage, it’s all about teaching and scaffolding.
And here’s the part that you mentioned, Ravit, trying to control everything or have it be a one particular way or feeling like a failure. Please fail. I say this to parents all the time, please fail, please let your children fail.
Failure is how we learn. When you can model to your kids, oh, well, I messed that up, didn’t I? OK, well, I learned how not to do that. I wonder what I’ll do differently.
Just be really verbal about this process. And your kids see perfection’s not a thing, like literally it’s not a thing. No one can define it.
You can’t measure it, but you can measure progress. So last time I did this and it really wasn’t very good. So next time, let’s see if I can do a little bit better.
(7:25)
And in the time after that, a little bit better. Practice doesn’t make perfect. Practice does make better.
Yeah, these are really great tips. And, you know, one thing that it reminded me of is when I was a single mom at a certain point, I was frustrated of making lunchboxes. So even as the main caretaker and all of that, I got frustrated and I didn’t want to have to think about lunchboxes anymore and organizing dinner and everything.
It was just too much all at the same time. So I understand I can really relate when you’re going through a lot of things at the same time. And the greatest benefit that I gave to my sons is getting them to start cooking because now, you know, late teens, early men, they’re actually better chefs and better cooks than I am.
And one of them actually explored and realized that he’s very creative and he likes to just do his own thing in the kitchen. This is one of the greatest gifts I could have given. And everyone’s like, what? Your kids are making their own lunchboxes.
(8:28)
That’s so cruel of you. How come you’re not making lunches? I got judgments all the time. I said, I don’t care.
I can’t do it. I don’t care. So I can totally relate.
And so now my boys are ready to live on their own. They’re ready for their new lives. They’re ready to live with someone else because they understand it.
And yes, I do agree that it helps them get them organized, especially boys. So great tip there. Great reminder there. There’s a lot of golden nuggets in what you mentioned today, and there’s a lot of beautiful pieces of advice and wisdom. So if any of you are moms or dads in California and you’re looking for some help, some guidance, some direction, figuring out what to do, how to do it, and you’re just looking for some sort of clarity and a plan, please do feel free to reach out to Chris. All her coordinates are here below. I’m sure she’d be delighted to have a phone call with you and see if and how she could help you. Thank you so much for being here, Kris, with us and for sharing this with us. In such a compassionate manner. And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
1. Don’t Undermine: Stay in Your Lane After separation, it’s crucial to respect parenting boundaries. Trying to control or criticize the other parent only creates conflict and confusion for your child.
2. Negative Comments Hurt Children: Even small remarks or jokes about your ex can make your child feel torn, guilty, or responsible. Speak with respect and neutrality- your child isn’t your venting partner.
3. Different Houses, Different Rules: And That’s OKKids are capable of adapting. Like knowing church rules vs. beach rules, they can learn that mom’s house has different expectations than dad’s- and that’s a valuable life skill.
4. Listen Before You Correct: If your child says “Dad lets me do this,” take a breath, stay curious, and connect first. Listening without judgment builds trust and helps your child feel safe in both homes.
5. Vent to a Friend or Divorce Coach, Not Your Child: Your child isn’t your emotional outlet. Instead, speak to a trusted friend- or better yet, a divorce coach who offers neutral, experienced support and honest guidance.
6. Put Your Child’s Needs First: AlwaysYou can divorce your ex, but your child cannot. Maintaining a respectful relationship with the other parent supports your child’s emotional stability and long-term well-being.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze. Super pleased to be here with Kristene Geering, who is from California, and a parenting expert. And we’re going to be talking about, you know, parental authority.
How do you not undermine the other parent? How do you make sure that you stay within your lane, the other parent stays in their lane? I mean, you’re used to doing things together, making decisions together, you know, is more of like a group effort, and now it’s individual. And it’s very hard to sort of stop, you know, trying to take control or overpower another parent. But you do need to stay in your lane.
So Kristene, thank you so much for being here with us, really looking forward to hearing your wisdom, and helping us elaborate on what it is that parents can do. Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I appreciate the opportunity to talk to everyone. I think this is one of the most common questions that comes up when parents are getting divorced. Because just as you said, you’re used to things being one particular way, and now suddenly, everything is different. And it’s a pretty seismic shift in a family.
I think, in my experience, it’s been really hard for some parents to contain their own feelings about whatever is happening in the relationship with the other parent. Probably this has been going on for a while, which is why there’s the separation. And especially when the courts are involved, you want to be really mindful of how you speak about your parenting partner or former partner in front of your kids.
(1:52)
So anything that you say that is kind of negative about the other person, or even if you don’t really intend it to be negative, but it could be kind of like a one-off joke or something, what can happen is it puts your kids in a really terrible bind. So the kids suddenly feel like, oh, my parents, I need to choose a side. Or if I don’t behave in a certain way, I’m going to make things worse.
And I’ve never met a parent who wanted to make things worse for their kids. Every parent I’ve ever worked with has really, really been trying to help their kid thrive. So how do you do that? You make sure that the first thing you do is listen.
So if your kid comes home and they’re like, oh, dad let me do this. How come you won’t let me do that? Take a deep breath and then listen to your kid. Oh, your dad let you do that.
(2:52)
Tell me about it. How was it? And then listen, really listen, because what your child really needs from you in that moment is connection with you. They don’t need correction.
They don’t need to be told what the rules are. They need to know that even if they’re doing something over at their other parent’s house that you still love them and that you are still going to be there for them no matter what. You listen.
(3:20)
And at the end of it, you can say, that is really interesting. That is really interesting. You know what? Different places have different rules.
Just like at school, you follow some rules that aren’t the same as here. When you’re at dad’s house, there are going to be some rules that are different. That’s okay.
That’s okay. Follow the rules here that I have. And when you’re at dad’s, you follow the rules over there.
One way I like to talk to parents about this is because a lot of times I hear, oh, my kid, you know, they need to have consistency. They need to have the same rules everywhere. And that’s just not true.
(4:00)
And we talk about that a lot, but we don’t practice it. And here’s the best example I have. When you go to church, you don’t wear a bikini.
And when you go to the beach, you don’t wear a suit. So we inherently know that different environments have different rules. When you lean into that with your kid, and you can even, if they’re old enough, like seven, eight and up, you can talk to them about that very example.
(4:28)
Oh, you know, different places have different rules. That’s okay. And then you check in again to see, you know, if they’re old enough. How about this rule? How do you feel about it, et cetera. The other part of the question that you were talking about is speaking negatively in front of the other parent or undermining them in some way. I think it’s really helpful to spend a little bit of time each day in some kind of a reflective journal of thinking about all the ways that having a positive relationship with their other parent is going to benefit your child.
Because I think parents forget that a lot. I’m so angry at my ex, right? There can be a lot of conflict and big emotions around this time. But if you take a moment and you think, okay, if I set things up so that my child feels estranged from that other parent, it’s not going to help my kid, right? It might make me feel better in the moment, but it’s really not going to help my kid.
(5:29)
In fact, it could potentially harm my kid. And if you take a beat and you really think about that, probably you’re not going to have the kinds of behaviors that would be undermining that other parent in front of your child. And also have a friend that you can just dump on and say all the yucky things that you need to say.
But don’t let that be your kid. Your kid is not your friend, you know, older, when they get older, maybe. I like to tell parents, I’m not really on anybody’s side, except your kid’s side.
I’m always on the children’s side. And you need somebody who’s on your side, right? You need somebody who’s going to tell you you’re right no matter what. Because you just need to have that validation.
Just make sure that it’s outside of that parent-child relationship. And that as much as possible, you point out the positives. Because while you can divorce your ex, your child really can’t.
(6:31)
Your child’s going to have their parents for the rest of their lives. Absolutely. I would add two things that really stood out.
Number one is it’s okay to have different rules in different houses. And this is a big one that a lot of people say we need to keep structure and routine and it has to be the same. Well, when the child goes out into the real world, reality is that there is no same structure.
Everyone does it differently. So it is okay. You don’t need to control everything that happens in the other person’s house.
(7:03)
It doesn’t have to be exactly the same. Children can adapt if you create that environment for them. And the second point that I wanted to make was, I love when you said don’t talk to your children about the issues and all that.
Talk to a friend. If you’re worried about or you don’t have the kind of friend who you can dump on and who will stay neutral and unbiased and will provide you the kind of real advice that you need, then go to a divorce coach. That is your best alternative to a friend.
And the reason I say that is because the divorce coach is neutral, has a lot of experience in divorce, knows when you’re going a little bit too far when you’re stretching it and when what you’re thinking or venting about is reasonable. And that neutral advice and recommendations is gold. Because your friend may egg you on, not knowing, could be conscious, could be subconscious, you never really know, but it won’t be coming from the right place versus a totally neutral person who already has the experience, seen that, done that, and experienced it many times over.
I would welcome that. So this is all great advice, great pointers to start with. So if you’re a parent in California, mom or dad, doesn’t matter, and you’re looking for some parenting help and this resonated with you, please do feel free to reach out to Kris.
All of our coordinates are here below. I’m sure she’d be delighted to provide you a consultation and see if and how she can help you from this point. Thank you for being here, Kris. Thank you for sharing this wisdom with us. Very helpful. And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
How Chores Can Greatly Benefit Your Child and the Single Parent . Wisdom for Californians by Kristene Geering:
1. Reframe Chores as Bonding, Not Burden; Chores aren’t just tasks- they’re moments to connect. Even folding laundry or packing lunches can become meaningful opportunities for quality time with your child.
2. Every Child Can Help: No Matter the AgeDitch the age-based chore charts. Instead, break chores into doable parts based on your child’s developmental stage- even toddlers can fold washcloths or push buttons!
3. Chores Build Executive Functioning Skills: Simple tasks teach kids planning, prioritizing, and responsibility. These “CEO of the brain” skills improve not only independence but also academics and life organization.
4. Failure Is the Best Teacher: for You and Your ChildNormalize mistakes. Saying, “Oops, that didn’t work” teaches resilience, adaptability, and the truth that progress matters more than perfection.
5. Scaffold Now, Reap the Benefits Later: Invest early by teaching basic chores step-by-step. Over time, kids will take over more responsibilities, giving you relief and setting them up for independent living.
6. Ignore Judgment: Empower Your ChildTeaching kids to cook, clean, and pack their own lunches isn’t “cruel”- it’s one of the greatest gifts of competence and self-reliance you can give them.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Kristene Geering, who is a parenting expert in California, and we’re talking about a really important topic which tends to affect a lot of families, and that’s the chores. So let’s say you weren’t, you know, there was a stay-at-home mom, so now as single dad you’re finding it overwhelming to do laundry and cook and make lunch boxes and figure out what to do and when and how, and just that is creating a chaos, and maybe it’s deterring you from wanting to take your kids, you know, because you’re not sure how to put this all together and your fear of failure or fear of seeing as a failure to your ex-wife, or vice versa, the dad was the one who was taking care of everything and now as a single mom you’re felt like you’re struggling to figure out how do I do all this and manage all of this, so Chris is here to help us give us some guidance and some strategies, really looking forward to it, thank you for being here with us. Absolutely, thank you so much for having me, glad to be here.
I actually love talking about chores in every avenue of life because they are so valuable and oddly controversial, so a lot of times if you have one parent who’s been staying at home and they’ve kind of been taking care of everything, especially sometimes there’s a parent who wants things done a certain way, and I gotta tell you I’m, when it comes to the dishwasher, I’m totally that parent, like you gotta load that thing properly and I’ll teach my kids how to do it and my husband never gets it right, but that’s okay. What you want to really think about is what needs to be done and then you think about your child and where they are developmentally and I guarantee you so long as your kid is mobile and can get up and move around the house, they can help with chores. I see all these charts out there like oh what can an eight-year-old do and what can a ten-year-old do, I don’t like this.
Any kid at any age can do any chore. The challenge for the parent is to think about what part of the chore can the child do, so if you are suddenly finding yourself, if you’re the dad for example and you’re like, I don’t know, I’ve never had to do laundry with my kids, I don’t know how to, because we all know it’s like sissy fist, right, it’s like rolling that laundry rock up the hill over and over and over again, so how do you break that down and take care of your kids at the same time? Involve them, turn laundry into something that is a bonding experience with you and your kid. If you’ve got a three or four-year-old, they can help fold washcloths, they can help carry a basket from one room to another room, they can, if you give them a step stool, they can reach the top of the washing machine and maybe even push the button if you tell them which one to push.
(3:13)
So the first thing is to reframe chores from this horrible thing that we have to do to an opportunity to connect with your child and bond with your child and the next step in the reframe is to look at chores as a way to help your child feel more competent in the world, right. When my kids first learned how to cook breakfast, they learned how to cook scrambled eggs, they were, I think they were six or seven, when they had a friend sleepover, they’re the ones who got up and made breakfast for their in the morning and I didn’t do it. Oh my goodness, the pride on their faces, it’s, I don’t know, it’s like a long drink after a long walk in the desert, but the thing most parents don’t realize is that chores actually are a way to improve academics as well because chores are an opportunity to practice executive function skills.
(4:10)
There’s a lot of buzz about executive functions these days, it’s all of the things that live in this front part of the brain up here, and it’s like an executive, like a CEO, we’ve got to think about planning and priority and, you know, how am I going to put this thing together and who’s going to be in charge of it, all of those little tiny pieces you’ve got to think about, they’re developmental skills. We see that when kids stand up and they first start walking, we expect them to fall down a lot. Everybody knows that happens.
Very few kids just stand up and start walking one day. We forget that these executive function skills are the same thing. Our kids are going to do it and then they’re going to mess up and they’re going to forget or they’re not going to be able to do something at all, and instead of understanding, oh this is something that’s developmental, I can help them work on, parents get really frustrated.
Understandably so when the backpack is on the floor in the middle of the room again, and it’s the 75th time this week. Chores are a great way for parents to really help their kids build these skills. In one of the books that I’ve written on chores, which talks about this very explicitly, it explains how to break things down into smaller pieces, how to support your child and what they can do right now, what they can do with a little support and what they can’t quite do yet.
(5:40)
But I think for parents who are just sort of acclimating to this new world of doing it on your own, the most important piece to lean into is that bonding with your child. If you can view doing dishes as a way to splash bubbles and you know sing silly songs and you still get it done, then that’s a win. If you can review packing lunches as a way to talk about your kid’s day, like oh who do you eat lunch with, right? When you’re at school, how do you spend your time during lunch? Just getting a window into their world while you’re working together and you’re teaching them how to do it, that’s the first step.
Over time your child’s going to be able to take over more and more of those skills on their own, so it actually takes a load off of you. It’s great when they’re teenagers, it’s fantastic, but in that beginning stage it’s all about teaching and scaffolding. And here’s the part that you mentioned Ravit, trying to control everything or have it be a one particular way or feeling like a failure.
Please fail. I say this to parents all the time, please fail, please let your children fail. Failure is how we learn.
When you can model to your kids, oh well I messed that up, didn’t I? Okay well I learned how not to do that, I wonder what I’ll do differently. Just be really verbal about this process and your kids see perfection’s not a thing, like literally it’s not a thing, no one can define it, you can’t measure it, but you can measure progress. So last time I did this and it really wasn’t very good, so next time let’s see if I can do it a little bit better, and in the time after that a little bit better.
(7:28)
Practice doesn’t make perfect, practice does make better. Absolutely, these are really great tips and you know one thing that it reminded me of is when I was a single mom, at a certain point I was frustrated of making lunchboxes, so even as the main caretaker and all of that, I got frustrated and I didn’t want to have to think about lunchboxes anymore and organizing dinner and everything, it was just too much all at the same time. So I understand, I can really relate when you’re going through a lot of things at the same time, and the greatest benefit that I gave to my sons is getting them to start cooking, because now you know late teens, early men, they’re actually better chefs and better cooks than I am, and one of them actually explored and realized that he’s very creative and he likes to just do his own thing in the kitchen.
This is one of the greatest gifts I could have given, and everyone’s like what your kids are making their own lunchboxes, that’s so cruel of you, how come you’re not making lunches, I got judgments all the time, I said I don’t care, I can’t do it, I don’t care, so I can totally relate and so now my boys are ready to live on their own, they’re ready for their new lives, they’re ready to live with someone else because they understand it, and yes I do agree that it helps them get them organized, especially boys, so great tip there, great reminder there. There’s a lot of golden nuggets in what you mentioned today, and there’s a lot of beautiful pieces of advice and wisdom, so if any of you are moms or dads in California and you’re looking for some help, some guidance, some direction, figuring out what to do, how to do it, and you’re just looking for some sort of clarity and a plan, please do feel free to reach out to Kris, all her coordinates are here below, I’m sure she’d be delighted to have a phone call with you and see if and how she can help you. Thank you so much for being here Kris with us and for sharing this with us in such a compassionate manner, and thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care everyone.
Intentional Parenting Coach
North Springfield
Virginia, 22151
United States
See Dr. Erica's Profile
About Dr. Erica
I work with parents who are separated, divorced, or in the process of divorce and who want to make sure their children come out of this transition stronger, not scarred. Whether you’re a single mom, single dad, or looking for support as a parent-child pair, I help families find clarity, calm, and confidence as they move forward.
I understand that the journey through and after divorce is unique for every family. That’s why I offer a flexible and dynamic approach to support you.
Build confidence as a solo parent with your parenting skills with Dr. Erica:
Confidence Comes After Action: You don’t need to feel confident before you take parenting steps- confidence grows as you try, learn, and reflect on what works.
Challenge the Inner Critic: When negative thoughts arise (“I’m ruining my kids”), pause and ask: Is this 100% true? Most often, the answer is no- and that awareness is powerful.
Your Thoughts Shape Your Actions: What you believe about yourself as a parent directly affects how you respond to your child. Replace fear-based thinking with, “I can figure this out.”
You Are Not Alone: Great parents ask for help. From parenting coaches to child development experts, there are people ready to support your journey- you just need to reach out.
Confidence ≠ Perfection; Confidence isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about trusting yourself to adapt, try, and grow. Trial and error is part of every parenting journey.
You Already Have What It Takes Y: ou are more than enough. The love, effort, and intention you bring to parenting matter more than perfection. Believe in your ability to grow into the parent your child needs.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Dr. Erica, who’s an intentional parenting coach here at iRuse, and we’re going to be sharing with you a discussion which we get quite often about when you’re feeling this lack of confidence, that you feel like you’re not good enough as a parent, you’re not as good compared to the other parent, or maybe when you were married you weren’t as involved as a parent, and now you want to be, or you have to be more involved, and you have to do more, and you’re not sure how, and you lack this confidence that you’re doing a good job, that you may not know how to do it.
Dr. Erica is here to help us with some guidance, some tips, some ideas of what can be done, and how to boost your confidence, so thank you so much for being here, really looking forward to hearing your wisdom. Yeah, absolutely, you know, I learned when I was going through grad school that confidence doesn’t come before the action. I would go to try to talk to these undergrads and teach them things, and I felt like something was very wrong with me because I was not confident going up there.
(1:28)
I was nervous, I was uncertain about myself, I didn’t feel like I had the foundation I needed, yet I learned that confidence doesn’t come first. Taking the action is the thing that leads to confidence. Confidence is the reflection upon yourself that says, oh wait, actually, yeah, I got this, but it comes from the actions first.
To take the actions, though, our thinking is what impacts action, so when you’re thinking things like, I’m not good enough, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing here, my kids are going to be a disaster because of the things that I’m doing, or that I’ve done, or I’ve ruined them forever, or they’re never going to have this dream that I had for them, and perhaps you’re grieving this vision of what you had in the future. Yeah, if you’re walking around with those thoughts, it’s going to be really hard to feel confident that you know how to discipline them when they go out drinking as a teenager. And you can fix this, you can work on this, and it’s way easier than most people will try to tell you.
(2:40)
When you can catch yourself having one of these thoughts, I’m not good enough, the only thing I want to do in that moment is to take a deep breath and ask yourself, is this 100% absolutely true? Is it true that you are not good enough for your kiddos, right? When you’re wondering, am I ruining them with my decisions? Ask yourself, is it 100% true that I’m ruining them with these decisions? And then just hear what comes up, that’s your information. Because if you really wonder, am I not enough for them? The answer is, well, I’m alright, right? And that negative information can then move you forward. You don’t have to act in fear and stress and overwhelm all the time.
When you’re like, you know what, these kids, I’ve got what it takes, then you will take different actions. You will read the situation, you’ll find a book that helps you understand what to do when kiddos act up. And how do you think about, what in the world do I do with a teenager who’s going out and drinking? Or what do I do with a toddler who won’t stop chucking the blocks across the kitchen while I’m trying to feed them, right? You’ll find the information, you’ll find the answers, they are out there.
(3:54)
The confidence will come from doing it and trying. And you don’t have to go at it alone. So many people think we have to go at it alone.
You do not. There are child development experts out there. There are parenting coaches like me.
There are so many humans willing to support you. You have a kiddo with disabilities. Okay, there are lots of humans out there who know exactly how to support you.
All you gotta do is find them and they will help. Asking for help can be really challenging when we’re feeling not good enough. You are welcome to lend on me in this moment.
I am telling you, you are good enough. You are plenty. You are more than enough.
You have everything inside of you that you need to do a wonderful job. And as you check yourself and as you check in to make sure that you’re like, yeah, no, I actually, maybe I’ve got an idea here. Or I could figure it out or I don’t know, but I can know.
The more you say that, your confidence will grow. And one day you’re going to look back and be like, oh, I was stressed out about that. Please, I got this.
(4:57)
Hey, and that’s what confidence is. It’s merely looking back and reflecting on something you’ve experienced before and feeling like, yeah, I had that. And you can trust that you’re going to figure out the next one in the future too.
That’s really good. That’s actually really comforting to know that you don’t have to be perfect. There is no perfect answer.
Sometimes it’s trial and error. You just have to figure it out. Sometimes getting the proper resources and the help to guide you and say, try walking through this path, try this method.
And you may adapt and adjust it along the way. And then you’ll find your way. It’s not like any of us parents were just magically blessed with all the answers.
And it just comes to us. I know a lot of people, men especially, say that women are blessed naturally. Well, sometimes and sometimes not.
We have the answers. And a lot of times I don’t even have the answers. I’m trying it out just as much.
So it’s really important that you separate confidence or self-confidence with abilities. It’s two completely different things. So if you are a parent and you’re struggling or you have questions and you’re not sure how or you want to do a little bit better than you’re doing right now, please feel free to reach out to Dr. Erica. All her coordinates are here below. I’m sure she’d be delighted to provide you a consultation and provide you some guidance as to where to go from here and what to do. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for this information and helping us feel more confident and assured. And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Breaking the Parenting Myths with Dr. Erica:
You Don’t Have to Fit the Old Mold: Being a single parent doesn’t mean you have to replicate traditional roles- it’s about redefining parenting in a way that works for you and your child.
Modern Co-Parenting Has Evolved: From shared schedules to creative solutions like “nesting” (kids stay in one home while parents rotate), families are finding healthier, less chaotic ways to co-parent.
Talking About Divorce Isn’t Taboo Anymore: Silence and shame are outdated. Open, age-appropriate conversations with your kids about separation foster emotional safety and connection.
Connection Over Perfection :You don’t need perfect words or scripted responses. Just showing up for your child emotionally makes a powerful difference in their healing and growth.
Modeling Emotional Awareness: Is a Gift Naming your own feelings- fear, frustration, joy- helps your child learn emotional intelligence. You grow stronger together.
You’re Not Broken- You Just Need Support: Struggling doesn’t mean you need therapy. Sometimes, you just need clear guidance and reassurance. Dr. Erica offers practical, compassionate support for your parenting journey.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Dr. Erica, who is an intentional parenting coach here on Irooze. And essentially what we’re going to be talking about is the typical stereotypes of being a single parent. So often enough in a married couple, the mom does this, the father does that, and now that you are divorcing or divorced, all these roles and responsibilities that were once held by one of the parents will now have to be yours.
And so there’s a lot of stereotypes, there’s a lot of concern, there’s a lot of worries that comes with becoming a single parent and all of that. So Dr. Erica is going to be here to share with us the different stereotypes and how to go beyond that. So welcome, thank you for being here with us.
(1:03)
Oh, thank you so much. I’m so excited to share this. This is one of the biggest issues that parents come to me with, right? I am an intentional parenting coach, which means I work with people who really just want to do a good job by their kids.
There’s a lot to juggle and to think about and decisions to make when you’re going through this kind of a process, and parenting is top of mind, right? It just doesn’t also get the same kind of attention that maybe dealing with legal things are and figuring out housing and transportation back and forth between places. But the parenting piece is the thing that makes people’s hearts feel the heaviest, right? You want to do well by your kids, right? I was talking to someone earlier this morning, actually, who has gone through the process, they are, they officially have the divorce is finalized. And yet they’re still communicating all of the time about who’s picking up here and did you get this? And we’re at the point where they’re buying school supplies for next year.
And are you doing it? Am I doing it? And are you getting the violin? Like there’s so many pieces, but it doesn’t have to look the way that a lot of people imagined it looked. You know, when I was growing up, yeah, I had friends whose families, their parents had divorced and it was like a don’t talk about it. Everybody stay silent.
(2:31)
Like, I don’t know what that means, friend, but hang in there. And sometimes they’d be late and sometimes they didn’t have their homework because it was at their mom’s house, but they stayed at their dad’s house last night. And there were all of these like pictures of what it must look like and all felt very scary and very, very shush, shush.
Whereas when I talk to parents now, there’s been a real shift in the way that a lot of families see it. No, people are not like, oh, this is happening and this is changing and it’s fun and easy to talk about. Not that far.
But more that, you know, it doesn’t have to look like now we have two separate homes and the kids travel here and there and this holiday for this and this holiday for that. I have a family I was supporting who are doing the style where the kids remain in the home and mom and dad shift out during the week and so that the kids have the stability of the house and they know they’re going to their school and the friends they’ve had in their neighborhood, they still get to hang out with their friends in their neighborhood. And that hasn’t changed.
So it doesn’t have to be really over the top and really complicated. And now I’m also managing millions of different schedules and things and who’s picking up and who’s not. So the process, I think, has changed and how people are talking about what’s going on with their kiddos have changed.
And I think in very healthy ways, which is nice. We recognize the impact that separation and divorce can have on kids. We recognize that if they are shutting down and not talking to you, well, they’re probably having big feelings.
(4:10)
It’s probably not that they don’t care. It’s not having a big impact at all. No, no.
We now know that it probably means they’re having big feelings and talking about it is probably the really good thing to do, even when it’s hard. And we know that talking about things with kids that are hard and scary, we know now it doesn’t have to be perfect. We just have to show up.
We have to connect. Our words don’t have to be exactly right every time. We don’t do damage to children by saying the wrong thing.
We do damage by not being there, feeling like we have to stay distant or keep something hidden because then they just start blaming themselves. Even toddlers start thinking they’ve done something wrong if their parents pull away. No, no.
(4:56)
We don’t have to do that anymore. That style, tried it, didn’t really work. So today we pick up the connection piece.
And that’s where the intentional parenting side of things comes in. Just being there and connecting. And when you, the grownup, can figure out and label your emotions and the feelings you have about it, it changes your journey.
It can make it a lot less stressful, intense, and hard. And it can feel more like ease. Going through is not easy, but you can have that sense of calm as you’re traveling through it if you can recognize, this has made me feel scared.
This is making me feel angry. This is what actually brings me joy. I want more of this.
(5:40)
And when you do it, now you’re modeling it for your children. And that’s a gift. Oh my gosh.
If we could all just teach all the children how to talk about their feelings while they’re kids, oh my gosh, in 20 years this world will look totally, totally different. Yeah, absolutely will. So okay, so if you’re a mom or dad and you’re having a hard time being a single parent, you’re used to it being a certain way.
(6:04)
Now it’s a little bit different. There’s this adjustment. The kids are adjusting.
And you don’t need therapy, right, because nothing’s wrong with you. You just need some help and clarity, like this happened. What can I say next time? How can I respond or react differently? How can I do this? Or I’m looking for this goal with my child.
How do I do that? That’s how Dr. Erica can help you. So wherever you’re living, whatever your case and circumstances are, please feel free to reach out to her. All her coordinates are here below. And I’m sure she’d be delighted to provide you a consultation to see if and how she can help you. And you guys can take it from there. So thank you so much for being here, Dr. Erica, really. Thank you for this lightened mode of it doesn’t have to be perfect. And just being present is the most important thing. And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Fun Parenting Tips with Dr. Erica Buccholz:
Playful Productivity is the Key! Transform everyday chores like dishes or folding laundry into fun, timed games—make it a race with your kids or just beat your own best time!
Connect Through Chores: Use simple household tasks as bonding opportunities. Even folding socks or washing dishes can become moments of joy and teamwork.
Turn Car Rides into Connection Zones: Maximize drive-time with playful playlists like “Watermelon Meow Meow” or silly sing-alongs that lighten the mood and foster fun.
Reward Yourself Too, Parents! Just like kids, grown-ups also deserve playful incentives. Whether it’s chocolate or five minutes of peace, give yourself little rewards for tough tasks.
Silliness Can Be Powerful: Don’t underestimate the power of ridiculous songs, funny videos, or spontaneous dancing—they’re stress relievers and connection builders.
Enjoy the Journey, Not Just the Tasks: Shift your parenting mindset from perfection to presence. It’s okay to let go of strict structure and just enjoy being with your child in the moment.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Dr. Erika, who is our intentional parenting coach here on Irooze. And we’re going to be talking about something that we get asked a lot. And that’s, you know, how do I enjoy the daily routines with my child? I’m overburdened, I’ve got so much to do, there’s so much stress, you know, everybody and everything around me is calling to me.
And I don’t know how to get started. And I don’t know how to enjoy it. I’m tired, I’m frustrated, and all of that.
So Dr. Erika is here to give us some tips and strategies as to what it is that you can do and what are some possible solutions for you. So thank you so much for being here with us. Really looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
(0:57)
Yeah, thank you so much. This is a huge question, right? It is, there’s so much happening all of the time, right? Even when you’re married, there’s a million things going on. And now when you transition, there feels like there’s so much more and there’s nobody else there to support you.
There is all of the tasks that still need to be done. Oh, and also my kiddos, right? And there are things that they need and getting through the day can be so exhausting. And there’s hope, right? There’s hope.
You don’t have to feel that way. I often help people with coming up with, for them, what feels like playful productivity. Because there are tasks.
There is laundry to do. Everybody needs clean pants, right? Most of the times you can shake them out. But for the most part, we do laundry, right? Dishes have to go into the dishwasher.
(1:54)
You got to bring them to practices or activities, whatever. There’s homework to do. There are tasks, right? Playful productivity is one of my most favorite ways of helping people because it takes what you’re already doing and just adapting it so that it actually gets done with a little bit more joy.
And it doesn’t have to be hard, right? We could make playful productivity really, really elaborate, but you don’t have time for this. And that’s fine. A lot of times the dishes are the thing that throw people over the edge.
It’s like I’ve done all of the things and then I go downstairs and someone has just put a bunch of plates in the sink and now everything’s a mess. So that tends to be the thing that throws people over. One of my favorite playful ways of dealing with the dishwasher is to set a timer, right? Like you just get a timer and you set it and you see how fast it takes you to load the dishwasher.
I looked it up. On average, it takes people three minutes to load the dishwasher, which is stunning because I absolutely thought it took me at least 57 minutes, at least, like it takes forever in my mind. But in actuality, it’s three minutes.
So I would encourage you, can you beat three minutes? And if you have kiddos who are of the appropriate age who can support you, can you all together beat maybe five minutes, especially if they’re younger, right? Set a timer. Can you beat the clock? Because then the dishes will still get done and it’ll be a little bit nicer. And perhaps you even have a moment of connection with your kids, right? Same thing with the socks.
(3:28)
Put all the socks in the middle of the bed and you got to roll them in together. How fast can you do it, right? You can set a timer to most things. And I’ve even had teenagers who are like, all right, let’s go mom.
And then like you do it against each other. Who can fold their shirts first, right? And whatever you want to let your kid win, let your kid win. It’s fine.
If you don’t, that’s fine too. It’s no pressure. But make it a moment of connection.
Then it won’t be so draining. We talk a lot of times about the time in the car with your kids, whether they’re little or they’re older. It’s like one of those one places where they’re stuck with you.
(4:06)
And you can actually sometimes have a conversation. And sometimes they’re too tired for that. You’re too tired for that.
You want to know what’s going on in their lives, but they don’t want to talk to you. No problem. You open Spotify or you make a playlist of stuff that makes them giggle, that makes you giggle, something that’s shared.
There’s a ridiculous song called Watermelon Meow Meow. Okay, all it is is a phone ringing and then nobody’s there. And then it just sings Watermelon Meow Meow.
(4:35)
It’s so strange, but children, I’ve never met someone who hasn’t liked it, think this is the most ridiculous thing. And if you put it on, it can change the whole mood of that car, right? It doesn’t mean you’re going to have a magical moment of connection to Watermelon Meow Meow, but you might and that’s pretty lovely. So making those routines just a little bit more playful can make them that much more enjoyable and it applies to it all, right? It can apply to homework as well.
How can I make this more playful and not like a huge game? If you want to make a point system and a reward chart and prizes, go ahead. Have fun. And it can be something little.
(5:16)
We tend to run, I teach people how to build a marble run if they had never used a marble run before, but a lot of times what you can do is you can build a marble run to be the thing like, oh, you did the thing that you didn’t want to do. You cleaned your room, you wash the toilet, whatever. Put the marble down the marble run, watch it go clink in the jar.
When there’s so many marbles, we all get a prize. It’s just a way of making things a little bit better. And you don’t have to include your kids.
Like as a grown-up, I have my own sets of rewards, right? I get my own special chocolate when I do the stupid things I don’t want to do in my day. When I do them, I get a reward for myself. Nobody else knows about it, but it makes it more playful.
(5:59)
It makes a little bit sillier and it helps you to enjoy those routines a bit more. Yeah, it actually makes a lot of sense. So my kids and I have this video, Chicken Banana.
They just go on there. It’s a banana that’s dancing and it’s like this big laughing thing of chicken banana, chicken banana, chicken banana, and it makes no sense at all. But sometimes it’s just you’re in the car and you just want to empty out your brain and you just want to sort of release yourself from all the stress and sometimes something like that will just be, you know, very helpful.
So this is actually really good because this is especially good if you’re too like feeling like too serious about chores and this and that and it’s like has to be like this and has to be like that and has to be like this. So maybe you came from a household where the other parent was very strict and you’re not and you’re trying to like make a little bit more fun because A, you don’t like it, B, you’re trying to get it done fast, C, you’re trying to spend more time with your kids. There’s a lot of ways that you can adapt your parenting style to meet the needs of your children to make sure that everything’s getting taken care of and that you’re actually enjoying it.
(7:05)
And that’s really what Dr. Erica is all about is bringing that playfulness back into parenting that not everything has to be so serious and so structured and you know all the time and not everything has to be so methodical and planned. Sometimes it’s just be easy with it. So if you’re a parent, mom or dad, and you have some questions, you’re unsure, you want some help, some guidance, you want to make it more fun, you want to find ways and strategies and you just don’t have any ideas.
It’s okay. Have a phone consultation with Dr. Erica. I’m sure she’ll be delighted to help you and see if and how she can help you. All her coordinates are here below. Thank you so much for being here with us and sharing these great tips with us and reminding me of that chicken banana song and thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak. I wish you all a day that matters. Take care of everyone.
Divorce can bring upon a myriad of emotions- from grief and anxiety to identity loss and loneliness. Whether you’re in the early stages of divorce, struggling with depression, or trying to rebuild your confidence, the right divorce support makes a difference.
While therapy focuses on your past, divorce coaching is strategic, practical emotional guidance to help you navigate the divorce process while regulating your emotional well being. Divorce coaching can save you from enormous legal fees.
To be matched & connected with the right coach for you, take our free self assessment to speak with one of our Divorce Specialist for tailor-made solutions.
While your friends & family may provide daily support, their opinions are most likely one-sided. Leap through these challenging times with a neutral divorce coach on your support team.
Divorce Recovery Coach for Women
Specializing in Alternative Dispute Resolution
Arroyo Grande
California, 93420
United States
San Luis Obispo County
See Christin's Full Profile
About Christin
Certified Divorce Transition and Recovery Coach® and, Alternative Dispute Resolution Specialist in California
Divorce isn’t just a legal process—it’s an emotional journey. You’re not only grieving the loss of a marriage, but also rebuilding your confidence, navigating co-parenting, and figuring out who you are outside of your relationship.
Men's Transformational Coach & Rapid Rewire Method™ Practitioner
United States
About Brandon
I’m Brandon Boyd. I help men navigate the collapse of what once felt safe, especially in the context of divorce, and rediscover who they are on the other side. The work I do isn’t about managing symptoms or endlessly retelling your story. It’s about transforming from the root—emotionally, somatically, and subconsciously—so you can walk into the next chapter of life with clarity, confidence, and peace.
Why Men Should Feel Their Emotions : Healing After Divorce & Rebuilding Identity by Brandon Boyd:
Emotions Aren’t Weakness: They’re Human: Men are often taught to suppress emotions, but embracing them is a powerful step toward healing and growth, especially after major life changes like divorce.
Grief Doesn’t Disappear: It Waits: Emotional pain doesn’t go away just because it’s ignored. Suppressing feelings is like holding a balloon underwater – eventually, it resurfaces. Processing grief is essential to truly move on.
You’re Not Broken : You’re Cracked Open: Divorce can shatter identity, but it also opens a door to self-discovery. This is a unique opportunity to rebuild a stronger, more authentic self.
Rebounds Don’t Fill the Void: Jumping into dating or distractions too quickly often avoids the deeper emotional healing. Without addressing inner wounds, patterns repeat, and healing gets delayed.
Men Need More Time : And That’s Okay: While women may take 3 years post-divorce to feel grounded again, men often take up to 5 years – largely due to emotional avoidance. Recognizing this can help set more realistic healing timelines.
The Wilderness Period Is Necessary: That lonely, confusing time post-divorce is not a mistake – it’s a vital chapter. Use it to rediscover who you are, grieve, and emerge emotionally whole.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze. Super pleased to be here with Brandon, who is a men’s coach, and today’s topic is rather interesting, and it’s something that a lot of men don’t do or don’t know how to do, and that’s just to feel. How do you feel about your divorce? How do you feel about post-divorce? How do you feel about being a single dad? What are the emotions you’re going through? Is it safe to feel emotions? How do you feel emotions when in the past maybe you never felt emotions? There’s a lot of stuff going on right now, and so we’re here to talk about and explore really what it means, how you can continue being a man, even if you have emotions, you can still learn to feel and really start to connect more with yourself. So thank you, Brandon, for being here. Really looking forward to hearing your wisdom. Thank you, Ravit. Yeah, an important topic for men in the context of all this. So men and emotions, wow. Well, I’ll give you a little bit of perspective.
(1:20)
Looking into a man’s world is, in general, men have been taught that emotions aren’t okay, that it’s not safe to express or to feel them, you know, and constantly what is in our, in the Manosphere feeds is we see Navy SEALs, we see David Goggins, we see these guys who are just the manliest of manliness, and there has been a, I think it’s, I call it shame-based coaching, where, at least for men, that it’s been not okay to feel your feelings, that feelings are secondary to you being extremely mental-driven, focused, goal-oriented, precise, you’re supposed to be a machine. Well, all that kind of gets blown up after a painful divorce or end of a relationship, and all those rules about gutting through it and shoving those emotions down, they’re like a, it’s like trying to push a balloon underwater.
It’s eventually going to keep coming up until you give it some attention, and so that’s essentially what I do in my coaching practice is give men permission to feel, and I think there is, there’s a saying that when I was going through therapy post-divorce that my therapist said to me, she said that grief will wait for you, and that was, that was deep, because I was trying to move forward quickly through my wilderness period, I’ll call it, post-divorce, where I was trying to figure out who the hell I was, and like, oh, it’s okay, we’re just going to move through this, you know, this is what guys try to do, you know, we try to push through, and it took years, it took longer than I expected that I, that I wanted to, like, okay, am I healed now? Okay, I’m healed now, let’s, let’s, let’s go.
(2:58)
No, no, and giving myself permission to say, you know what, this is okay, it’s going to take as long as it’s going to take, and you’re not broken, you’re, you’re okay, you know, you might be cracked open, but you’re not broken, and so I think they’re just an important thing that men have to accept, that it’s okay to feel, and perhaps, perhaps the idea that the, one of the reasons why, one of the lessons that can be learned from, from your separation is to give yourself that permission to feel, I know it was for me.
Absolutely, and I love when you said that, you’re not broken, you just may be cracked open, and that’s exactly what divorce is, and it’s the same for women, whether the woman is the initiator or not, it doesn’t matter, she still goes through this, like, process, this emotional process, and even though, you know, she may say, I’m sick and tired of you, I don’t want to be married to you, and whatever, whatever she lays on you, doesn’t mean that she’s not dealing with the same emotions you are, it’s still the after effect of, like, who am I, where have I been all this time, what do I want to do, where do I want to take my life from here, what part of myself did I lose along the way, it’s all a question of self-identity, it’s self-worth, it’s self-everything, so everybody should take this time to rebuild, and heal, and understand what do I want from this point forward, and what do I want to get rid of, and not repeat, what are the patterns I want to leave behind, and this is, this is the time to do it, and it’s, and you do it through processing through your emotions, and just feeling, and knowing where you’re going.
(4:36)
Yes, well said, I think, and I think you’re absolutely right, it happens, it’s for everyone, it’s not just men, what we’re asking ourselves is, what’s happened is, there’s this identity that you’ve invested in five, ten, twenty something years, for a woman, it’s a wife, you know, for a man, it’s a husband, or, you know, spouse, whatever, it’s an identity that we’ve been investing, and investing, and working, and now it’s gone, it doesn’t exist anymore, the title, the identity of wife is dissipated, the identity of husband is gone, who am I? That’s the period that you’re in now, that’s been shattered, broken, it’s on the floor, it’s a mess, it’s ugly, and that’s when the question comes in, like you said, is who am I now, and who do I choose to be? That’s, it’s painful, it’s ugly, it’s messy, it’s gooey, but that’s the time you’re in it, that’s the wilderness period, and so you don’t want to kind of mess with that, you want to, it needs time to plan out, say, oh, who am I now, and go through that process, so I hear you loud and clear.
(5:32)
One of the things that we were talking about before, is like the rebounds, you know, oftentimes we feel, some people will feel, you know, in order to get out of this funk that I’m feeling, I’m just going to go and date and putz around and go and be and do and whatever, you know, sexually especially, and what happens is that you’re filling that void that is not going to be filled, it’s like this emptiness that you’re going to keep perpetuating and feeling over and over again, because you’re not actually solving the root cause of your problem, and the problem is that you just need to figure out who you are, so yes, there’s one big piece of let’s just release all this frustration, okay, but at the same time, understand that you can’t replace this work, if you don’t do it now, it’ll come back and wait for you in the future, and in the future when you feel like life is resolved and things are great, you’re going to have to come back and revisit this, because it has to get done, and so whether you do it now, or you kind of like put the blinders on, you say I’m not doing it, I’m not doing it, and it’ll go away, it won’t go away, because it’s going to show up again at some other point in your life.
(7:20)
So one of the things that you know I was talking about is the sort of the the process that a man and a woman goes through, so divorce is like this constant roller coaster ride, you’re going through different things, different phases, and for women it takes about three years to really feel good and healed and balanced, and for men interestingly it’s five years, and the reason it takes those extra two years is that more often than not men are shutting it down, shutting it down, shutting it down, shutting it down, pretending and thinking that you know it’s okay, it’s not there, it doesn’t exist, and then it comes back at some point, so no one understands that it should take you at least about three years to really feel like you got it, you know you feel good, you feel grounded, you’re ready for something else.
I love that, and I think the word I heard when you were saying that is delay, is because generally how men, how we operate is we don’t want to go to those tender areas where it’s raw, and it’s ugly, and it hurts, we don’t, because we’re taught that’s not safe, and now we’re coming into an age where it better be safe, we better be able to give ourselves those spaces where we can heal, but in general we’re delaying what you’re talking about, you know I’ve seen you know men jump into relationships, there was a time you know when I during my divorce, I almost did myself, and like whoa, you know I was trying to fill a void, and it wasn’t the right time, I needed that wilderness time.
(8:08)
I needed my grief, I needed time, and it was it was beautiful, but I recognize it, and I’m glad I did, because I can share with other men, because I know what that feels like, oh god you’re starving, and you just want to feel that feminine energy, you just want to fill that void with what you weren’t getting, and it’s so tempting to try to latch on, but my encouragement is it’s okay, go enjoy the dating, but know yourself, have perspective about it. Yeah, so that connection will come when you’re actually fully healed, and you’ve gone through all the emotions, and you understand everything that you’ve been through, so there is so much we could say, we could spend hours talking about this, but if you’re a man, you’re going through this, you feel like Brandon’s message resonates with you, please feel free to reach out to him, all his coordinates are here below, and I’m sure that he’d be delighted to offer you a consultation to see where you’re at, what’s going on, and how he could help you.
(9:03)
Thank you all for watching, thank you Brandon for being here, and being raw and vulnerable, and sharing all this, it’s really important, and it’s great work that you’re doing, thank you all for watching, until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters, take care everyone. Thank you.
Transformational Men’s Coach Brandan Boyd explains what men shoudl be doing:
Rebuilding Begins with Self-Discovery– After divorce, men often face the question: “Who am I now?” Brendan shares how starting with a clean slate allows men to rediscover themselves beyond the role of “husband.”
Exploration of Love and Relationships- From dating apps to exploring polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, Brendan encourages men to redefine intimacy and relationships on their own terms- free of judgment or old norms.
The Power of Solitude- Solitude is essential for post-divorce healing. It’s in the quiet that men can hear their own voice, free from social pressures and expectations.
Reclaiming Health and Passion- Brandan emphasizes the importance of rebuilding physical health and personal interests (like Brazilian jiu-jitsu) as a key part of identity and self-confidence.
Parenting Boundaries- Matter While exploring new identities, Brendan urges men to protect their children’s emotional stability- keeping adult experimentation separate from parenting.
Freedom to Reinvent Without Shame- Divorce opens the door to bold reinvention. Men are reminded they don’t need to carry past religious or social limitations- they have permission to explore and evolve.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Brandan Boyd, who is a Men’s transformational coach. And we have a very interesting topic today, which is really about how does a man rebuild his life. And we’re not talking about the financial and the career and all that we’re talking about you as an individual. What do you do in terms of love, affection, desires? How do you start to rebuild, maybe you have different ideas, maybe you’ve been hearing people doing different things. And maybe you’re interested in exploring, but you’re not sure who to talk to and what you can do about it and what is considered normal and you know, respectful, what is not. So Brandon is very open minded guy. And he’s going to be sharing all kinds of ideas for us. So thank you so much for being here. Looking forward to it.
Thank you. Thank you, Ravit. Excited to talk about this.
Absolutely. All right. So what do you have for us? I can only speak from my experience.
So post-divorce was moving into an apartment as most guys do. And it was a blank slate. And I realized it represented me.
(1:19)
I was now a blank slate. And as painful as divorce can be, and you’re trying to figure yourself out, the really big question is, who am I now? Who am I without this role as husband? You know, who am I? What am I worth? Who am I? And so doing that exercise for me was about wiping the hard drive clean, as I like to say, is like, I’m getting rid of every conceivable idea about what a relationship is supposed to look like. And I’m just going to start from scratch and go see what this is about.
So I started on these wonderful things called dating apps, right? These wonderful inventions. And I started dating and started having conversations with women and then going and exploring different types of relationship, polyamory, ethical non-monogamy. I even watched couples in the swinging environment.
What is that about? So it was about reclaiming, honestly, my own sexuality. I was in a marriage long term. We were great friends. We were great co-parents. We were not intimate partners. Just it was not there in the fishbowl.
(2:22)
We were married and certainly caused a lot. I’m not going to blame, but there was certainly influence there. So it was about reclaiming who am I as a man? Who am I sexually? Who am I in a relationship? What does that look like? What am I attracted to? How do I feel about myself? And so that was a lot of exploration.
And it was a lot of shedding, a lot of religious norms and beliefs around the identity of what a relationship is supposed to look like and what sexuality is supposed to look like. And so it got me interviewing hundreds of people, including couples, and even dating in polyamorous dynamics for a while on and off and learning about this. And I want to be clear, I don’t think there’s any one right relationship.
I think it’s whatever works for you, works for you. But I did see the healthiness of it. So rebuilding for me involved exploring different types of relationship structures.
(3:16)
Another thing that was for me, I think it’s so important for men, is solitude. If there’s one thing I protect more than anything else, it’s my solitude. In my solitude, I can ask myself questions.
I can see how I operate without the noise and the influence of the endless social media posts or the pressures or programs. And I can sit with myself in my own energy and ask myself important questions and see what I incline towards. I think solitude is, there’s a lost art that’s coming back.
I think we’re kind of seeing a trend right now in that in relationships with people, there’s some disruption going on in the relationship world. There’s even an article I saw yesterday, like, where are all the men? And I said, well, they’re probably in solitude because for a man, that kind of what a man does defaults goes into solitude, where I think women generally go to with each other in a group. I think that’s the default, but I’m not going to speak for women.
(4:10)
But men are reclaiming themselves in solitude. The other thing too was about, in that solitude, and now that you’ve got some space, it’s about reclaiming your health. So I’ve been training Brazilian jujitsu for a good seven years.
It was about getting my health back in shape even better. And it was about just giving myself the space to find out more of who I am and giving myself permission to explore without, I no longer am attached to this identity. I can do whatever I want now.
(4:45)
And there’s something dangerously exciting about that in all aspects of life. You can completely reinvent yourself. So there’s a couple of things I want to say to men.
Okay, so do whatever you want to do. Be as courageous and as adventurous as you want to be, but think of two things. One, don’t introduce it to your kids.
If you decide to go from you were one way, now you’re another, you’re exploring, don’t talk about it with your kids and don’t introduce a poly couple. Don’t let them know. Don’t confuse kids, even teenagers.
It’s not the smartest thing to do. If you’re in the state of discovering yourself, do it privately. So make sure you continue on your co-parenting relationship with the other mother or the biological mother and do whatever you need to do on the side.
Second thing is I think it’s important that we mentioned that you were also married into like sort of like a religious cult and like there was like, you know, you were sort of boxed in. Yes. So you spent, how many years were you married again? 26.
(5:47)
26 years. So for 26 years, you probably wanted to explore as a man and see what’s going on and all of that. And you know, you really had that limitation.
So now all of a sudden you get divorced and it’s normal and you go, yeah, wow, look at that. This is a great world. I’m, you know, there’s so much I could do and all of that.
So it makes sense. Now for other men who weren’t necessarily in that situation, if you’re exploring poly or not, or you’re exploring something different and it could be anything else, it doesn’t have to be poly. This was just Brandon’s experience.
(6:20)
If you want to know more, if you just want to evaluate, if you want to just talk it through with someone who gets you, who will understand, who will not judge you, you know, and that you could just have this open conversation and just see like what even makes sense. Like, you know, and look at all the different pieces, right? Not just your desires today, but like, how is it going to affect you into your future? Where is it going to take you? How close are you going to get to your end goal as well? So men out there who are watching, if you want to explore further, please do reach out to Brandon. All his coordinates are here below. I’m sure he’s delighted to have a conversation with you to see what and if he can do to help you out and really solve some of your needs and challenges. Thank you, Brandon, for being so open-minded. Thank you for having this open conversation with us. And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Divorce Sparks an Identity Crisis: Men often tie their identity to being a husband or provider. Post-divorce, the challenge is rediscovering who they are beyond societal roles and labels.
You Are Not Your Role: You’re More Brendan Boyd explains that being a husband, father, or martial artist is just one identity you wear- not who you are. True self-awareness starts by removing those layers.
Rebuilding Means Rechoosing: Consciously Divorce offers men a blank slate to ask: What do I want now? From desires to values, men can reinvent themselves with intention and freedom.
Question Inherited Beliefs: Many men (and women) unknowingly live by cultural, religious, or family scripts. Growth begins by questioning: Are these beliefs still in alignment with me?
Self-Discovery Opens New Relationship Paths :As men evolve, so do their relationship needs. Brendan encourages conscious partnership- not default roles, but chosen dynamics based on awareness and communication.
You’re Not Alone– Support Is Available Whether you’re confused, curious, or craving transformation, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Brendan offers virtual coaching to help men worldwide explore their post-divorce identity and desires.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Brandon Boyd, who is a men’s transformational coach. And today we’re going to be talking about a really interesting topic, which is the identity of a man. What is it? You know, what have you, what are you used to? How has it changed for you? Should it change for you? So we’re going to explore all of that because it’s very interesting. One of the most interesting reasons for getting divorced is this loss of identity. So Brandon, thank you so much for being here with us. Really looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Thanks, Ravit. So excited. Thank you. Pleasure. All right, go ahead. You have the floor.
Okay, so let’s talk about identities a little bit. So as I work with men around healing work and transformational work, what comes up for all the time is identities. And it’s a big deal for everyone, but particularly for men, because we attach ourselves to our identities.
So in the context of being a husband, so, you know, we get married and we, we have a identity around a husband and, and all, there’s all different types of societal expectations and norms that are projected into that identity. And what begins to happen is we, we think we are that identity. We think we become that identity.
(1:33)
It’s kind of like Batman or Superman, you know, is it Batman becomes Bruce Wayne or does Bruce Wayne become Batman? And so what happens is, is we get really attached to this identity of husband. And so if, and when divorce comes, we can really be devastated by it because we’ve identified so much with this identity, the role that we had. And what I help men do is kind of help them remember and unpack that you are not that identity.
You put that identity on, you know, when you were with your spouse, that is an identity you wore, but it’s not you. It’s an extension of you. It’s a part of you.
It’s a role. It’s a cape. It’s a, it’s a costume you could take on and now you can take it off.
But yours, the real you is still intact. And men do this with everything. We do it with our work titles.
You know, we do it with, with different things we decide to pick up on. For me, I, I’m a martial artist. That’s an identity I wear.
I don’t always walk around as a martial artist and try to attack people in the grocery store. I, you know, when I go to train, I put on that, that identity and I train and I enjoy it. It’s lots of fun.
Then I take it off. Like when I come home, it’s the same type of a thing and it’s, I think it’s important to in the work I do is like, oh, this, this identity was something I chose and I can unchoose it if I decide to. But it’s not me.
(2:51)
My “me” is still intact. Well, this is really interesting. So if we were to imagine that each person as a whole has different components, right? We have our role.
You’re, you have your role as a father, you have a role as a brother. You have a role as a father, as a child, as a whatever, then you have martial artists, your hobbies, you have all these things, and then you have your role as husband and you’ve been raised to think that you’re supposed to be a certain way and that you’re supposed to act a certain way and that these things are supposed to work in certain ways. And when you get divorced, all that starts to crumble because now you start to actually at an older age, much more mature, much more wise.
You’re able to see things from a different perspective. And so now you’re not following what other people told you or society or norms or your parents or your culture or your religion, what everyone told you you have to do, because now you’re at the point where you’re like, hey, I just want to decide for myself. And when you’re trying to decide for yourself, it’s like, okay, then what do I want? How do I rebuild and restructure myself? And that’s what you do.
And this is something just on the sideline that’s something that women go through as well. There’s nothing there’s nothing different. The only difference is that I hear a lot of men who say, but my identity was to be a protector and a provider.
I was supposed to go out there and work and hustle and bring home the money. And then when I did do that, everything at home was crumbling. And I didn’t know that. And she decided to divorce me. But I did my job. I was the protector and the provider.
(4:25 )
I did that part. So sometimes it’s, well, maybe you think that should be your identity, but that’s not an alignment with your wife. Or maybe it’s just you changed and both of you are sort of not on the same wavelength anymore.
And if that’s the case, that could be one of the reasons for your divorce. So take this opportunity to explore, to figure out who you want to be, what you want to do in life 2.0. And it could look totally different and it’s fine. Right.
I mean, your life is totally different now. Very different. And incredibly grateful for it.
And again, most of the work I do and you’re 100 percent on spot. This is the same for women as well. They’re trying to they’re trying to detach from from a wife identity.
And this is the work. And so when you do that and is what begins to happen is when we are when we process ideas and thoughts and emotions around these identities is you realize, wait a minute, I never chose this identity or I didn’t choose the meaning in these roles within the identity. These were handed to me and they’re maybe not in alignment with me anymore.
The other thing is I like to do is really kind of take people off the hook is, you know, we feel so bad. There’s such a stigma around divorce in our society. Like, well, wait a minute, let’s let’s unpack this a little bit is the common thing I hear is, well, they’re not the same person that I married.
(5:46)
Well, of course they’re not. They weren’t the same person five minutes after you got married, five days after you got married, they’re completely different beings. We’re organic, we flow.
So I like to just kind of soften it by saying, well, marriage is just a snapshot. It’s a moment in time with your wedding photos, moment in time. You are not even remotely that person anymore.
And neither is she, he, whatever. So we can take ourselves off the hook a little bit and realize that a lot of the things that we, when we form this identity of a husband or wife, we’re society given and society is always evolving and changing. And then we’ve got parental influence, you know, there’s a time when women were thought second class.
(6:27)
If you don’t get married, you don’t get yourself a man, then something’s wrong with you. Bullshit. And vice and vice versa with men.
Well, if you don’t have a family to take care of, you don’t have children to carry on your name, then, you know, what are you then? You’re just you’re just a bachelor. So we all these ideas and beliefs get injected in. And now we feel this pressure.
I got to go find somebody or I’m less than. So we unpack all that stuff. We just we just give that air, give that space to breathe.
(6:56)
And like, OK, who am I without the identity of a spouse? And that’s where the fun begins. That’s where the creation begins. And it’s a little daring.It’s a little it gets a little hairy because I wait a minute. I mean, I get to choose who I want to be. And if I choose to be in a relationship and I get to choose what that identity looks like with another kind of conscious partner, if that’s what we want to co-create. Heck, yeah, you do. So I think that’s where things are. Relationships are evolving to at least what I’ve seen and heard.
OK, so one thing I’m going to say in my observation is that, Brandon, the more you work on these men, the more I guarantee that there will be much happier women out there. So someone who is more evolved and understands where they are and understands that life is this constant movement and everyone should be. If you’re choosing a new person, you have to make sure that you’re always walking together on the same path.
So maybe in your marriage you didn’t. Like I always say, we never know how to marry. We certainly don’t know how to marry.
We certainly don’t know how to divorce either. So it’s like the blind leading the blind, trying to figure out what to do, how to do it and all of that. And then you wake up and they go, hold on a second.
(8:00)
And then you go into analysis and observation mode. Right. So if you are a man, anywhere across the US, you feel that you need some help. Actually, you don’t even have to be in the US, you could be anywhere in the world. And all Brandon’s work is done virtually. You want some help. You want to explore. You want to see what are your options. You want to discuss some ideas that you have. Maybe you don’t know what you even want. Maybe you just know that you need something, but you don’t even know what that thing is. I’m sure that Brandon would be delighted to have a consultation with you and see if and how he could help you. All these coordinates are here below. Thank you so much, Brandon, for being here and for exploring this topic with us. And thank you all for watching until the next time we speak. I wish you a day that matters. Take care of you.
Certified Anger Management Specialist - I (CAMS-I)
Jay Shetty Life Coaching Certification
About Talya
know how overwhelming it feels when anger takes over your relationships. I know how difficult relationship conflict can be, and how devastating the fallout can feel.
I grew up in a family where communication meant angry outbursts and yelling, with little room for discussion or reconciliation. Suppressing emotions or exploding in frustration was the norm, and for many years, I carried that same anger into my own life.
Recognizing Anger’s Impact: Understand how anger from either party can exacerbate the stress of divorce, affecting your emotional and physical well-being.
Signs of Anger’s Toll: Feeling exhausted, depressed, or hopeless may indicate that your ex-spouse’s anger is taking a toll on you.
Courtroom Challenges: An angry ex can be vindictive, nitpicking, and making the legal process more difficult and drawn-out.
Custody Complications: Anger can spill over into custody battles, leading to parental alienation and other challenges involving children.
Minimizing Engagement: Engage as little as possible with an angry ex-spouse. Focus on essential communication only, particularly regarding legal matters and children.
Reducing Contact: Limit direct access and communication with your ex-spouse to reduce the emotional impact and prevent feeding their anger.
Macro Perspective: Evaluate what issues are truly worth fighting for and avoid getting caught up in petty disputes that won’t resolve the underlying anger.
Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and activities that make you happy. Protect yourself emotionally and physically from the effects of your ex-spouse’s anger.
Shielding Children: Protect children from the angry outbursts and conflicts, ensuring they feel loved and secure despite the ongoing divorce proceedings.
Professional Support: Seek guidance from professionals like anger management coaches and therapists to navigate the challenges and find effective coping strategies.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze. Super pleased to be here with Talya Pardo, who is an anger management coach. And we’re going to be discussing whether your anger or your spouse’s anger has led you to a divorce or you’re already divorced and the other party is now exploding and showing and exemplifying a lot of anger and a lot of frustration and a lot of stuff is going on. What do you do? How do you deal with that now? Not only do you have to sort of recreate and rebuild your life on your own level, but now you have to deal with someone who is so angry and frustrated that it’s affecting you in many ways. So Talia is going to show us and explain to us, you know, how it could affect you.
What are the different signs to show that to indicate that it, you know, maybe the issues that you’re having right now in your divorce are not coming from you, but coming from the after effects of the anger, the outbursts, you know, the dramas, the craziness, all the sagas that are going around. And then provide you with some tips and solutions as to what it is that you could do at this point. So thank you so much for being here with us. Really looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Thank you so much for having me. It’s really a pleasure.
So when it comes to the divorce process, I mean, it’s we know that it’s such a highly emotional time. It’s really a time of facing, you know, everything in your life changing. And if you’re dealing with a soon-to-be or ex-spouse who’s very, very angry about the situation, it’s an added burden.
And so, you know, if you find yourself feeling really exhausted, if you find yourself feeling, starting to feel depressed or hopeless and overwhelmed, that’s a sign that the impact of their anger at you is really starting to take its toll. And that’s something to be very aware of. And things can happen, like there can be so much happening when it comes to divorce, especially if you end up in court.
And, you know, an angry spouse, it’s not hard, or ex-spouse, it’s not hard to see. They’ll tend to be very vindictive. They’ll tend to try to make life very difficult for you.
They’ll tend to try to pick out, you know, all of the minute negative qualities that they can in order to target you through the courts or nitpick on various issues, or they can tend to be petty just out of their own anger. And if you’ve got kids, unfortunately, it can come out in custody, you know, custody battles or even in parental alienation because their anger at you is so focused and so direct. So when you’re navigating those times of the freshness of the divorce and the legal process, I really advise to engage as little as possible to really try to build up a barrier because you’re not in a place and your ex-spouse is not in a place where conflictly there will be any real resolution to conflict.
The divorce is going through. You’re not looking to reconcile. You’re not looking to be friends again right now because that night, that state of turmoil will prevent any kind of ability to return to calm and civil engagement. Don’t don’t answer the insults or the backbiting or the sarcastic comments respond basically only on what’s absolutely relevant. If it’s a court battle, if it’s about the kids and you need to be in touch, then you keep it to about the kids. If you need to let your lawyers be the ones to negotiate or to maintain the communication, even if it’s for a short time, just to let things calm down and to keep your spouse from direct access to you all the time, because them seeing you upset will often continue to feed their anger.
(3:52) Like they may they often that’s how it is, right? They’re so angry about the situation that they want to see you upset because they want to hurt you because they’re hurt and their hurt is coming out in an angry project projection. And that’s typically also someone who always had difficulty managing their anger. And so this is the such tense.
Divorce tends to be the situation where they just go nuclear. And so understanding that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. But, you know, emotionally, but it may make it easier for you to deal with logistically, to know that they’re just trying to hurt you because of their own hurt.
And so to put up your shields and not give them all of the access. Right. And to not feed back into it.
I’ve seen so many couples going through divorce where there’s so much bickering afterwards and they’re picking on very petty and irrelevant issues. You know, who’s going to get the white couch in the living room because I wanted it, but it goes with the rug and you want the right like really try very hard to take a macro perspective of the situation and evaluate what is worth engaging in and standing your ground on and what is really not worth maintaining the angry, the angry engagement, because the thing is, it’s not going to like the couch isn’t going to make them happy and make them stop being angry with you. Right.
It’s just another thing to have a point of contention with. So it’s really about restricting and reducing the contact for now. Always trying to maintain your own dignity and your own self-possession and and not falling into those arguments and still saying if you’re of a mind to to say, I really hope at some point we can manage to discuss things civilly or we can get to a point where we’re civil about it and always try to hold that lantern up if you’re of a mind of it.
I don’t and I don’t say that that’s necessarily for everyone to do, but some people may want to do that and it may happen sometimes that some, you know, people who started off very angry will slowly kind of calm down and move into a different space for themselves and be able to manage to come around and return to being civil. I’ve seen that. That’s up to your own evaluation, but it really can be very detrimental to be continually barraged by the anger and divorce.
(6:21) I really say protect yourself, be aware of the emotional impact it’s having on you, do some self-care, you know, take care of yourself, find the activities that make you happy, do the things that work for you, learn to explore your new life as a single person or a single parent and take the pressure off of the shoulds, you know, that we might hold ourselves to. My house needs to be clean or I should be taking care of this or I should be taking the kids here. You need to be grounded and rested.
Your kids just need to know that they’re loved and it’s important to try and protect them from the angry outbursts as well. When it, when it comes to those divorce situations from you as well, like don’t red mouth the other parent in front of them. Don’t share the details of whatever divorce proceedings they’re going through, you’re going through, unless it directly affects them in terms of where they’re going to be living in custody, really try to shield them from feeling the impact of that anger as best as possible.
(7:22) And as long as the kids feel loved and secure, you know, that’s the important thing. Absolutely. So brings up two other thoughts is that when you’re negotiating, you have to really remember that if you’re dealing with an angry person who sort of very spiteful about like the white couch and things like that, understand that this may end up being a pattern.
They may end up asking first for the, the, the couch, and then you’re going to say, okay, fine, just to please them. And hopefully say, okay, hopefully that person’s going to go away while they may not. Cause if they’re angry, they’re going to keep like fishing, right? So they’re always going to throw the rod out and reel you back in and throw it and reel back in.
(8:01) It’s important for you to have those techniques and understand how to work with someone who is a very angry person and how to also decipher, like, how do you, when a situation arises, do you react or respond to it? The, the after effect of that is very different. If you just respond and you’re very calm, like the way Talia and I are speaking right now, then you’re going to have a very different outcome than if like this bombastic screaming, yelling and hysterics and all of that happens. And the ego tells you that, Oh, maybe you should fight in butt heads.
Because that’s the smartest thing to do, but all you’re doing is feeding the frenzy and you don’t want to do that. Absolutely. So there is so much that we can say.
There’s so much we can talk about. There’s many insightful articles that you could read about that Talya has graciously written and provided to you. So if you are in this situation and you’d like to dive deeper into your personal matter and have a conversation with Talia, all her coordinates are here below. Please feel free to reach out to her. It would be her delight to explore with you and see how it is she can help you. Thank you so much for being here with us, Talya, and for all this incredible information. And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you a day that matters. Take care of everyone.
As an Anger Management Coach, Talya Pardo discusses how to support children during a divorce when one or both parents exhibit anger.
Children’s Resilience and Sensitivity: Children are resilient but also absorb more than we think. Divorce can destabilize their lives, making them feel out of control. Reassure them that the situation is not their fault and that they are loved and safe.
Shielding from Conflict: It’s crucial to shield children from witnessing high-emotion conflicts and arguments, whether in person or over the phone, as it impacts their sense of security.
Avoiding Negative Influence: Do not speak negatively about the other parent in front of the children. This can create inner conflict and damage the trust bond between you and your child.
Maintaining Trust: Encourage children to feel safe sharing their experiences with both parents. Overreacting or judging their stories can lead to them hiding their true feelings and experiences from you.
Recognizing Behavioral Changes: Be alert to changes in your child’s behavior, such as becoming quieter, playing alone, changing eating habits, or having nightmares. These can be signals that they are affected by the conflict.
Balanced Responses: When children share negative experiences about the other parent, respond calmly and supportively. Avoid escalating the situation with anger or judgment.
Empowering Children with Solutions: Use the situation as an opportunity to teach children about handling difficult emotions and characters. Providing them with coping strategies prepares them for similar challenges in the future.
Age-Appropriate Conversations: Tailor discussions about anger and conflict to be age-appropriate. Younger children need more reassurance, while older children can understand more about emotional management and problem-solving.
Professional Support: Consider seeking professional help for your children if they show signs of distress or if the conflict is particularly intense. A therapist or counselor can provide additional support.
Modeling Healthy Behavior: Demonstrate healthy ways to manage anger and conflict. Children learn by observing, so showing them how to handle difficult emotions constructively is invaluable.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Talya Pardo, who is a anger management coach serving parents across USA and Canada. And we’re going to be focusing our conversation today on the children. What happens when you are very explosive and angry and have openly expressed in front of your children? How do your children react to it? You know, what are the after effects of all of that? If you just apologize, will they just spam, like just forget that it happened? Does it linger on with them? What if you are the non-angry person and you’re dealing with an ex or another parent who is angry and your children keep coming to you and saying, but mom did this and dad did that and and all of those stories, what do you do and how does it really impact your children? So Talia is here with us to really help us explore this in a little more detail and plant some seeds of thought in our minds and have us thinking bigger and larger about the effects, the long term effects and the short term effects, too, actually.
(1:11) Thank you so much for being here with us, Talya. Oh, it’s such a pleasure, Ravit. That’s a very special topic. Actually, that’s close to my heart. I went through very similar experiences with my own children, so I learned about it very firsthand. First thing I want to say is children are very resilient. There’s no question that they are. They’re stronger than we think. However, they’re also sponges and they absorb more than we think.
And when it comes to divorce, you know, it is a very destabilizing event in everybody’s life, adults and children included. And children can very easily feel left adrift and unsure of what’s happening in their lives and feel left feeling very out of control. And so it’s very important to reassure a that this the situation is nothing to do with them.
It’s nothing that they caused. It’s not their fault and that they’re very loved and they will always be safe. That’s the most important thing that children need to hear when it comes to you feeling anger and you dealing with if you’re going through a very tumultuous and high conflict divorce, they will feel it from you if you if they watch you angrily on the phone with your ex, if they watch you dealing with lawyers and having phone calls in front of them.
It’s very important to try to shield them from witnessing the high emotion of that process because they will take it in and they may never say a word to you about it, but they will sit and watch. And when children see their parents unhappy, that it makes them feel less secure like that. Children feel secure when parents are happy and stable.
(2:44) You don’t have to be the perfect parent at all. But as long as children feel secure, that’s the most important thing. And that’s what will help them get through it.
So it’s very important also that children don’t end up feeling conflict between their love for each parent because it’s natural for children to love both parents, regardless of that parent’s behavior. I mean, we still always even in an abusive situation, unfortunately, a child will still love that parent, even though that that child’s being hurt. So know that a you can’t stop the child from loving that parent, no matter how you feel about your ex spouse.
And it’s not healthy to try to influence them to feel negatively by telling them negative stories or saying, oh, you know, your father or mother is doing this, that all that does is a create a conflict for the child, the feeling that they’re being judged for their love of of one of that other parent. But also it will damage the connection that you have with that with your child because it will make them feel that they can’t trust you. They won’t be able to trust you in coming to you to tell you something positive that happened with the other parents because they’ll worry that you’ll be upset about it or put it down.
And if they come and tell you something negative that might have happened, there will also be a judgment and a reaction and maybe an overreaction of you see that this parent’s no good for you and I didn’t want you to go or things like that. That’s not to say that, you know, we should never we should we should continue to be aware if we have come out of an abusive or a very highly volatile situation, that we are aware of what happens with our children. But it’s also very important that we maintain trust.
(4:24) Even if we aren’t even if we know that our ex-spouse can be volatile. Encouraging the children to see that is not is not in their best interests, they need to see it on their own and feel free to be able to come to you to express it to you freely. And then your reaction also has to be measured so that they don’t feel that they’ll be put in the middle.
And I mean, I had that similar situation with my own my own divorce 10 years ago where the children were coming home and telling me upsetting situations. And at the time, I was much less in control of my own emotions. And I would be like, oh, my God, let him calling him and I’m going to tell him off and things like that.
And what would happen? He would then get mad at them and say, why did you tell your mother? And they stopped talking to me. And so I lost their trust. And for years, then they hid certain things from me and would tell me everything was wonderful that only came out later.
Things were not. So what’s most important is really to make sure that your connection and the trust bond that you have with your children is maintained. And to understand that if you know they may feel sad after divorce and them witnessing anger between either between you and your spouse or from you or from their or from their other parent is going to impact them.
(5:42) But in ways that may not be the the linear ways we think. So we just may see them be more quiet. We may just see them playing by themselves.
They may just, you know, they may never say a word. They may change their eating habits or start having nightmares or not sleeping well. And they may never actually come to talk to you about it.
But those are the signals that the situation is impacting them and that you need to be aware and maybe sit down and have a conversation with them or bring them maybe to see someone to speak with. So the anger and angry atmospheres affect children in a different way than than adults. And so it’s important for us to be sensitive of how our behavior impacts them and to be very aware of any changes in their behavior to see that they might be impacted by it.
And one of the recommendations that I would also add is, you know, as parents, we we have such a soft spot for our children and we don’t want anything to happen to them and we don’t want anyone to harm them and all of that. But the way that I see it is that we shouldn’t have pity on our children. And a lot of people do that.
(6:51) Oh, poor child. Oh, poor you. I can’t believe you have to deal with this and that and all of that. That pity, I don’t think is is sort of sitting in the right place. And I’ll explain why. I really believe that especially when the children are young and they’re living under your cocoon and they’re under your sort of umbrella, the most important thing for you to understand is that you have the opportunity to teach them about life and teach them about difficult characters and all of that, because the reality is that when they go out in the real world, they’re going to meet these people and they’re going to face people that are angry and crazy and frustrated and, you know, and not and not able to contain themselves.
If you take this as an opportunity to provide them with solutions, concrete solutions that they can go and carry over into their adult life, you’re doing them a great service and you’re actually helping them in better ways than someone who has sheltered their whole lives. You know, childhood comes out to the real world and all of a sudden sees all this reality of what it is as adults we see and doesn’t know how to react to it or respond to it or or even know how to handle it because they’ve never encountered it. So I take on a little bit of a different approach of, yes, take care of your children in one way, but keep thinking that your ultimate goal at the end of the day is to help them understand about life and reality and that this is what happens in the world.
(8:16) And there’s always a solution to every single problem. And as long as you speak to the right person, you get help from the right person. You’ll always be inching forward.
And that’s the most important thing. So that in mind, did you want to add something? I was going to say, I don’t disagree, I don’t disagree, and I think maybe there’s different considerations for different age groups of children, too, because the younger there are, you know, and to understand that I fully agree that children shouldn’t be completely sheltered. There’s a difference between the sheltering and what happens sometimes where the anger is projected on the parents, anger is projected onto the children about the other parent.
And that’s more what I was speaking to than protecting them from general discomfort or uncomfort. And sometimes they’ll come and if they do come to you and say, you know, the other parent was behaving this way or sometimes the answer is, I’m sorry, that person, you know, your other parent is dealing with a lot right now and they’re having trouble managing their anger or their emotions. And this is how they’re dealing with it.
And you’re absolutely right. That’s the opportunity to teach them about people managing or having trouble coping with different emotions in different places, in different situations. Absolutely.
(9:24) It is a great conversation to have in an age appropriate way, of course, and depending on how old the child is and how you manage that. So, you know, I agree that I support this. There are many techniques, there’s many things that can be discussed.
I think that if you’re dealing with this situation, the best thing to do is reach out to Talia. All her coordinates are here below. It would be important to present your particular situation and what’s happening and see how Talia could help you and get through this and to further explore it on a very personal level.
(9:57) Thank you so much, Talya, for being here with us. Thank you for sharing all these golden nuggets with us. It really is really expanding our horizons. And that’s really the most important thing. So thank you for being here. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters.
Normalizing Disagreements: It is normal for couples to have disagreements. The key is how these disagreements are managed and expressed.
Identifying Unhealthy Anger: Uncontrolled anger, expressed through yelling, insults, physical intimidation, and excessive gestures (like slamming doors), is damaging to a relationship. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step.
Taking Responsibility: It’s important to take ownership of your behavior and its contribution to conflicts. Reflect on whether your actions provoke escalation and work towards modifying them.
Maintaining More Good Times: Reflect on whether you have more good times than bad times in your relationship. Healthy relationships should have more positive interactions than negative ones.
Processing and Resolving Conflicts: People with anger issues often struggle with conflict resolution. They may deny their behavior, lack communication skills, or be unable to process their emotions. It’s crucial to work on these skills for better conflict management.
Understanding the Root Causes: Determine whether the anger stems from issues within the relationship or from past experiences that are being projected onto the current relationship. Addressing the root causes is vital for long-term improvement.
Leading by Example: You can’t change your partner, but you can lead by example. Use a calm tone, choose the right timing, and avoid aggressive language. Express your feelings using “I” statements instead of accusations.
Setting Boundaries: Establish and maintain clear boundaries about what is acceptable behavior during conflicts. This includes specific guidelines on language and actions to prevent escalation.
Patience and Compassion: Change takes time and patience. Show compassion and give your partner space to process their emotions. Small changes over time can lead to significant improvements.
Seeking Professional Help: If anger is severely impacting your marriage, consider seeking professional help. Talia Pardo offers consultations to provide personalized strategies and solutions.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Talya Pardo, who is an Anger Management Coach. And we’re going to be exploring today whether your anger or your spouse’s anger is affecting your marriage. Now, sometimes, you know, people fight and that is totally normal. But what happens if the anger is a little bit too heavy? If the aftermath of the anger is affecting your relationship, does your spouse or do you have anger issues or is it just that you’re angry and the other person is not listening? So we’re going to be exploring a little bit of that today. So thank you, Talia, for being here with us. Really looking forward to hearing your wisdom. Thank you. It’s such a pleasure to be here. Thank you.
We can dive right into that. But looking at anger, you know, anger is is a very powerful emotion. And what’s really important, especially within a relationship, is how anger is processed and expressed. And so it’s normal to have disagreements. Don’t ever think that that’s not normal. It’s how we manage them.
Anger can be expressed sometimes when it’s uncontrolled. It’s by yelling, by insults, by very expressive and excessive physical motion, slamming doors, slamming walls, things like that. There’s an escalating grade when it comes to anger.
(1:35) It’s very important to know where the line needs to be drawn to understand how damaging it can be to a relationship. Insults are never OK. Swearing is a line that’s a crossed line. Physical intimidation is also never OK. So that’s a good indicator to you if there is excessive arguing in your relationship. And those are the kinds of behaviors you’re either seeing in your spouse or you yourself are demonstrating.
It’s a very important point that I make when I’m dealing with my clients and anger issues is to take responsibility and ownership for your own behavior and your own contribution to conflict, because it’s very easy to provoke another person to then escalate and then each of you provoke each other to escalate. One way to kind of measure it is if you have more good times than bad times in a relationship, that’s really something that’s important to reflect on. As we know, it’s normal to argue, but also the kinds of arguments and the way that you negotiate those disagreements or diverse viewpoints between the two of you.
It’s important to reflect on are can you manage to express yourself without using those kinds of overang, you know, not overangry, but uncontrolled angry expression? That’s the thing. And the thing about when you have those kinds of disagreements that do get out of control, they’ll always leave a lasting impact. You know, I always say that, like, it leaves a bruise, right, even on it will leave a bruise on your heart.
What that will do is it will it will create a disconnect or start to wear away at the connection between the two of you because there are lingering hurt feelings. There are lingering resentments that can build because the impact of the argument has been so severe. And so often when people have trouble controlling their anger, they also have trouble with resolution of the conflict afterwards also, because they’re either in denial that their behavior was out of line.
(3:40) They don’t have the communication skills to be able to say, look, I was that was really too much and I really I was hurtful or I didn’t mean what I said or I didn’t even hear myself. But what I really meant to say was or what really got me upset was this. They often don’t even have the ability to do that kind of processing. It all goes hand in hand when it comes to understanding anger. And it can be for you or your spouse in a relationship. When it’s for you, then it’s on you to start looking at what is behind that anger.
Is the anger about dissatisfaction or issues within the relationship itself? Or are there things that you’ve brought into the relationship from your past that are still feeding in and being triggered by and and then projecting out into the relationship? So that’s it’s very important to understand where that comes from so that then you can work on it and then learn how to process it. But if it’s a situation where you find it’s your spouse who’s the one who has a lot of angry expression and is short tempered and and uncontrolled in their expression of emotion, ultimately, I always say you can never change a person and you can’t force a person to behave the way that you want them to. However, you can always lead by example.
It does happen that sometimes in a relationship, it’s what it’s it takes one person to lead and to take the initiative to make those changes. And sometimes that’s not fair, right? We want the other person to know what they need to do and to take those steps. And sometimes they either can’t or they don’t have enough of an awareness or they’re in a denial or a defensive protectionism.
(5:20) But if you are choosing to stay in this relationship, if you are choosing to give it a chance and you want to see some kind of shift, leading by example can be something that you can try. And what I mean by leading by example is by modifying your own approach to that person when you know there’s going to be a conflict or a disagreement. So how you approach the tone of your voice, your timing can often be the small, like the smallest and the biggest difference when you want to have a conversation about something, not using aggressive language.
Instead of “you always do this” which we tend to do, it’s I feel this way when this happens or when you say this. And that’s what I need you to know. And I’m, you know, emphasizing we’re a team, we’re in this together. I’m not here to accuse you. I need you to know this. Those are all phrases that can be de-escalating, reassuring to the other person.
Sometimes knowing that you may not get a response in that moment is also just saying I need to say this and leave it there and don’t feel that you need to respond. And another way of leading by example is how you do manage yourself. If a disagreement comes along, you have the awareness not to rise to their level of anger, which often happens between a couple, right? We tend to take on their other characteristics.
We also get defensive and then it becomes a big screaming match because everybody’s trying to hold their ground or make their point heard and match each other in volume and aggression. So by not rising to that can be the energy diffuser, but also the lead in demonstrating to your partner like this is the better way. But remember, nothing happens overnight.
(7:12) If you are choosing to do it that way and to manage it, and it can work, I’ve seen it myself in clients, I’ve seen it in my own life, it can work. But you also have to have the patience and the compassion to know that it’s not going to be linear, it’s not going to be fast, and it also will take the other person slowly processing. You may not even hear what you want to hear in the like, I totally understand that this isn’t the way to talk.
You may never hear that. What you may just see is small concessions and small changes in their own reactions and the way that they handle their anger. So this is really interesting because there’s two pieces to this.
Number one is you may know that you or your spouse has anger issues. Sometimes an individual doesn’t really know to classify it as anger issues and just says, well, you’re a very difficult person to deal with.
So classifying them into this doesn’t really help the problem because the problem is still there. And so sometimes it’s really about. Do you need to label them as something or do you need to just understand that they may not even know or understand what’s going on in their own minds, so that means that as they project and they throw all these words out, they may not even realize what it is they’re doing. A lot of it, I find, is ego based. Right. So if we live in a very, very ego based place where you hurt me and because you hurt me, I want to hurt you back.
(8:54) Because you said this, I want to send it back to you and I’m going to do that. Then you’re just going to repeat this cycle. Right.
I imagine that that’s not going to be very healthy. No, it’s not. And that’s really insightful, too, because it is true, it’s very ego based and the ego is there to protect you. Right. And so it will respond to everything. So sometimes you can’t even present the big picture and the label, like you say, of like you have anger issues and you need to deal with them.
You need to establish the boundaries and the language for yourself within the relationship. So it’s you can’t if we’re going to argue, you can’t say these things to me. It’s a very, very specific and minute process of slowly pushing back and establishing the structure around how the argument goes.
And then, having that person understand that, OK, I need to I can’t go past this line in this relationship or I need to watch this kind of behavior, even if they don’t end up doing the deeper reflection. It’s if it’s your spouse, then what’s of priority to you is about managing conflicts. And then the next step is their own awareness, which is really in their own hands.
(10:09) But so long as the conflicts themselves aren’t of a high escalation for you and you have established boundaries and that works, that may be enough for you. If the person is the kind of person who’s always ruminating and very negative and still walks around, you know, kind of carries the anger with them all the time, that might be something that you can address once those other processes may have been calmed down or better managed, because a person will still react from ego if you kind of come straight at them with,you’re so angry and you’ve got all these angry anger issues, you need to work on them. You’ll still you’ll still still get the backlash.
It’s a very hard process. It’s a hard process for someone who’s very self-aware and who wants to address their own issues. It’s very difficult.
(11:00) The ego takes a beating in a big way. So for someone who isn’t really that willing, it’s like you can you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. There’s only a certain extent of what you can do. And by modeling it and by being open to those vulnerable moments that they may display without, you know, using it as an opportunity maybe to throw things in their face, but rather just be compassionate and accepting of their expression when they can express it, express it well. You know, those are the the places that we need to give them the support.
And then, maybe you might want to think of I noticed that this is something that gets you really upset or, you know, different ways of of pointing it out to them that they may may take them a long time to reflect on and understand that you can’t like it’s very hard and very unusual that you’ll be able to sit down with your spouse who isn’t in a full awareness state and say, this is what’s going on for you. This is what you need to do. It’s unlikely, I think, that you’re going to get a positive reaction from that.
You’re really only going to have them dig their heels in deeper. So a gentler touch is generally, I think, the more successful route. So I think that there’s a lot of tips and strategies that you’ve provided to us.
(12:22) Thank you so much. This is really a great eye opener, discussion, exploration also. So if you are angry yourself and you feel like you may need some new solutions and tools, whether your spouse is the one who is angry and you feel like your marriage is starting to fall apart and break apart and you’re looking for solutions, I highly recommend you reach out to Talya. All her coordinates are here below. And I’m sure she’ll be delighted to provide you a consultation to show you and explore how it is that she could help you. So thank you so much for being here with us, Talya. And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you a day that matters. Take care.
Women’s Entrepreneur Coach
Certified Anger Management Specialist
I Usui Reiki Master
Christian Minister
About Lisa
I’m Lisa Brewer, a Women’s Entrepreneur Coach, here to help you turn your life experiences, skills and story into a successful entrepreneurial career at one of the most pivotal times in your life.
Listen, I get it. I am a single mother of three and have been divorced twice. I had to pick up the pieces of my life and do it quickly for the stability of myself and my children. I have clients, friends and family who have similarly faced the enormous challenges that divorce brings, especially when you’re getting divorced and either have to re-enter the workforce or need to dramatically increase your earnings as the result of the dissolution of your marriage.
How Single Moms Can Heal, Find Their Purpose, and Build a Business That Reflects Their True Self, shared by Lisa Brewer:
Healing Comes Before Hustle: Before chasing success, take time to heal emotionally – clarity and confidence come when you reconnect with yourself.
Your Story Has Power: The pain, lessons, and growth from your journey can inspire others and become the foundation of your business.
Align Passion with Purpose: Don’t just chase money – build something that reflects who you are and what truly matters to you.
Start from Where You Are: You don’t need perfection or big investments – consistency, creativity, and courage are your biggest assets.
Balance Motherhood and Ambition: You can build a meaningful business without sacrificing time with your kids – it’s about setting priorities and boundaries.
Empowerment Is a Journey: Finding your purpose and independence takes time, but every small step brings you closer to the life you deserve.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Lisa, who is a women’s entrepreneur coach here at Irooze. And we’re going to be talking about finding your purpose. Now I know this is really a hard conversation to have, especially for moms. I remember when I got divorced, I was straight out of maternity leave. I had a young one who was maybe two. So I was just starting a business.
I was just trying to figure out what to do. And I had no idea what I wanted to do at that point. So finding your purpose is really important in trying to figure out, you know, what do you do? Do you go back to work and get a full-time job? Do you get a part-time job? Or can you start a business, a little side business or a home-based business or whatever it is you want it to be? So the most important thing is to figure out what you can do.
And so finding your purpose and your passion is one of the most important things that Lisa is going to dive into. So thank you so much for being here with us. Really looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Thank you again, Ravit, for having me. I appreciate this. So let me just dive right in.
First of all, I want all of you to know that finding your purpose is not only difficult for women in your position, but it can be difficult for anybody, right? We’re not taught to live with purpose. We’re taught to either go get a job or get married or join the military. We’re taught to do all these other things and then have a family, raise the family, da-da-da-da.
We’re taught to do that and we’re not taught what’s really important with us and what’s really important to us. My grandmother gave me some great advice when I was 12 years old. God rest her soul.
She looked at me at my uncle’s wedding and she said this. She said, Lisa, never ever, ever forget who you are after you have children because if you do a good job, your children will grow up. They will leave the house.
They’ll find someone or they’ll live their lives. And then what do you have if you’ve only ever been a mother and you just identified as that? I’m paraphrasing what she said, but that stayed with me and I’m 57 years old, believe it or not, and that stayed with me for the rest of my life. So when we’re looking at finding our purpose, I’m going to bring this all back around.
What I typically tell my clients, one of the first things I say to them is your greatest or your first place of purpose is in the greatest pain. The greatest pain that you have found healing from, that is this place that we start with your purpose. Why is that? There are hundreds and thousands and maybe tens of thousands of people out there that have been through something similar to you.
(3:01) They have gotten the same t-shirt, but it might be a different face on it and a different label in the tag, but they’ve done the same, they’re going through the same thing. And what you have to offer them is a way through that place of pain in order to find themselves and in order to get alleviation or release or heal from that pain. You’re always going to be further along than the next person.
The other place we can begin to find it, if that’s a little bit, you know, too much right now, I want you to find things that you love to do and that you’re good at, right? Things that you love to do and you’ve learned to do it, either you learned it in a class somewhere, you learned it yourself, taught, whatever that is, and you feel like this is a skill that other people would like to learn how to do. And so in order to figure out if that’s something that other people want to do, you know what I do? I just go to Google and say how to blah, blah, blah, how to cook. I’ve been on a cooking spree lately.
So loving learning how to make homemade everything from scratch. So I was like, how do I make homemade bread easy? And then all of a sudden all these different videos popped up about like two and three ingredient homemade bread. I was like, you got to be kidding me.
And what did I do? I ended up starting a following and then the one that I ended up doing, I started buying these recipes books, right? If I want to learn how to do something, I how to blah, blah, blah. The minute you type in how to do something and you start seeing that there are people making videos about that or somewhat about that, then that’s something that you can do. Now, I want you to understand what we do today is not what most likely you’re going to do five years for now.
When I started doing all this 10 years ago now, I started as a spiritual life coach because I’m also an ordainment non-denominational minister. So I started as a spiritual life coach helping women who were coming out of abusive relationships, toxic relationships. They were separating, divorcing, what have you, and helping them work through it.
Why? Because that’s my life story. And that was my mama’s life story. And that was all my aunties and my grandmothers on both sides of the family.
So I wanted to stop that cycle and help other women stop the cycle. So that’s what I started doing. Now, you know, about five years ago or so, I started teaching other people how to do the same thing.
So your purpose and what you do right now and what you feel like your burning desire is right now is probably going to change as you heal and as you come into who you are in the fullness thereof because you have so many things. You have so much that you can do. You just don’t know what’s in your hand and that’s actually very valuable.
So we find our purpose by either finding our place of pain and then how we’ve overcome that pain even just a little bit or we find it by something we’re super passionate about doing. And then though we have to make sure that other people are going to pay for it, right? Everything that we like to do other people may or may not pay for it. Okay, so we need to like strategize.
(6:22) That’s why we do the research and all of those won derful things so that then we can say yep, this is a good one. This is trending. This is all but this is the strategy behind it.
And eventually you just as you grow your purpose grows your reach grows all of this grows and you know what the beautiful thing is you’re a better parent, right? It’s easier because we’ve got you have a drive outside of the children and you’re now creating the identity outside of the marriage. The children get to see you be an entrepreneur and look at mom like mom’s a businesswoman like this is amazing. Life gets different and you walk differently in it.
So that’s why I feel like purpose is so important and especially in these initial stages to figure that out and go after it. I love that, you know, one of the my greatest purposes of starting this business was my own divorce and one of the greatest businesses that you could have is turning your pain into a learning experience, something wonderful that you can do for other people how you could help someone else. So when I got divorced, I never imagined that I would be at this point.
So my sort of pathway got divorced. I had no idea what was going on. No idea.
What was happening was very lost and confused and spent a hundred thousand dollars in legal fees. I was questioning everything on this planet God the universe me. Did I do something wrong? I had no idea what was going on until I finally started doing my research and talking to other friends and this and that and realizing that it’s all the same.
We’re all going through the same thing. So that led me to writing a book, never my life that I imagined I would author a book, but it all came from talking to people and interviewing and figuring out what exactly was going on because 15 years ago, we didn’t know what we really know now. So then became a divorce coach this and that whatever and then all these years later morphed into the Irish divorce community.
So I’ll tell you that what Lisa said is the most important thing is finding your purpose finding your passion figuring out what that is and sometimes you need a little help to do that and other times you already know what it is and you just need the help to say, okay, let’s turn this into a business. How can I monetize this? How can I build a career or a lifestyle doing this or that? So very very important key ingredients here. So wherever you’re at in your divorce process, whether you’re contemplating whether you’re sort of debating like should I stay married not what am I going to do about income? What am I how am I going to live? How am I going to survive? How am I going to pay my bills? All the sorts of questions that everyone asks whether you’re there whether you’re separated whether you’re already divorced.
(9:20) I’m sure Lisa would be delighted to have a conversation with you to see how she can help you and maybe pull out and extract some pieces so that you can use that to build something wonderful and fruitful for you and your family. So thank you Lisa for being here. This was really insightful and thank you all for watching until the next time we speak. I wish you all a day that matters. Take care everyone. Bye.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Lisa Brewer, who is a women’s entrepreneur coach here at Irooze. And we’re super delighted to give you, ladies, especially moms, some ideas of what you can do when it’s time to go back into the workforce. So divorce is upon the horizon, whether you’re contemplating, whether you’re separated, whether you’re already divorced.
And now the question is, what do I do for income? How do I, you know, get a job? How do I start a career? Perhaps you’ve been a stay-at-home mom for quite some time and taking care of the kids. You don’t necessarily have the skills that you feel that you need or you had once upon a time. So we’re here to give you some ideas of what you can do to continue and hold on to that, you know, momhood and also be able to be financially independent.
So Lisa, thank you so much for being here with us. Really looking forward to hearing your insights. Thank you so much for having me, Ravit.
I’m excited to talk to everyone today about this topic. Thank you. All right, go ahead. Share your wisdom. Well, let’s, first of all, I want you all to know I am a single mother of three. I also am a grandmother of three.
So I had to, I had to live this life, right? I had to live the single mom divorce, raising children. And back in my day, you know, that was a long time ago. But back in my day, we didn’t have all the options that you all have right now today.
I didn’t have the choice of work from home was not a thing in the 90s, okay? It was just not a thing. Being able to like take your laptop and run around and just do other things. It was not a thing.
I had to be sure that I was working and I had to be sure I was supporting my children. It was just, it was a lot, right? And you feel a little guilty at the time because you got to take them to daycare. You got to do this.
You got to do that. Now you all, I know this is a tough time, but you all actually have so much more available to you where you can blend being a mother full time, right? And being an entrepreneur and being successful. The first thing though, I need you to breathe.
Just take a huge breath and just be like, okay, this is all happening. I know the world is just like, but it’s gonna be okay. And then I want you to think about all of the good things that are gonna come from this.
The beauty about being a mompreneur, right? Being a stay at home mom still while being an entrepreneur is you still get to get the kids on the bus or drop them off at school. You still get to be home when they’re home from school. You still get to go to the events and all of those things that you absolutely love to do.
(3:10) But now during the daytime, you get the opportunity to explore all of you. You have six, seven hours of dedicated time during the day that you get to explore who you are and then elevate that and monetize that. And it’s not a bad thing.
That’s actually a great thing to be able to monetize who you are, your life experiences, the things that the skills that you garnered all this time while you’ve been a stay at home mom. Maybe you were a writer in high school or college. You know, maybe you just love to write.
Maybe you love to do crafty kinds of things and make new, you know, make cute stuff or make pretty stuff for the home, right? Maybe you’re a great cook and you come up with amazing recipes for things. Maybe you have found a new way or a different way that works for disciplining or for helping keeping the children in a structured environment. You know, maybe your scheduling system really works.
It’s not just the standard little gold stars that we used to do back in the day. I don’t know what those could be. Maybe you’ve had to learn how to budget while you were even married, right? And then now, especially, maybe you’ve had to learn how to be very creative with financing, finances, you know, not necessarily frugal, but smart with the money that you’re spending and how you’re spending it and what you’re spending it on.
All of these different things can be something that becomes a business. And it doesn’t have to be a business where you’re making these things and sending them out. You know, or you’re like making, you know, meals in your kitchen or something like that.
You can be making meals in your kitchen, create a recipe book and sell it on Shopify, sell it through some other online printing like Printify and things like that. You can create TikTok videos and you can create Instagram videos and YouTube videos that show how you created that recipe and give other women or men just an idea of how you created the recipe, what goes in it, how savory it is. Listen, there are a million and one ways that we can use the skill sets that we actually have in order to create a thriving business all while the kids are at school.
So these are the things that I love to sit down and speak with women about with mompreneurs or budding mompreneurs to say, OK, we’re going to take everything that’s going on right now and become very empowered and not let it defeat us. It’s just a wonderful, healing, cathartic process that we go through. Love it.
(6:06) You have honestly painted such a great picture of possibilities. You have done such a marvelous job. I cannot believe it.
I’ve been doing this for 15 years and I’ve never met someone who can paint the picture in my mind where I’m literally thinking of sewing and I’m thinking of, you know, yes, there’s so many more opportunities now than even in my days when I got divorced 15 years ago. It was get a job or start a big business. It wasn’t this kind of stuff.
I mean, I would have had such an easier life to be able to do this and cooking and whatever it is. There are so many opportunities. So the most important thing is no matter where you’re at in your divorce process, it doesn’t matter.
You don’t have to be in a particular place. There are ways to also blend and start a business, maybe by using your alimony money, you know. And the most important thing is that Lisa will go through, you know, different ideas with you.
And then we have other financial professionals who can help you sort of decide what can you do? Can you use your alimony or can you use part of your child support or can you use some of your savings or whatever to get you and kind of leap you into starting a business? So Lisa’s work is incredible because it helps you build. It helps you think and strategize and create the whole part of it from A to Z. And that’s a really, really important because I remember when I was starting off my entrepreneurship journey, I was pretty much alone. And then my mentor was my dad, you know.
So it wasn’t the same thing. Like I needed that everyday support, but this is really incredible. So as I was saying before, wherever you’re at in your journey, most important thing is please feel free to reach out to Lisa.
All her coordinates are below. I’m sure she’d be delighted to provide you a consultation to see if and how she can help you and start like, you know, sprinkling little fairy dust on you to see what can build, what can spread, what can come out of this wonderful journey of yours. Thank you so much, Lisa, for being here.
Thank you for all this great wisdom. And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone. Bye.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Lisa Brewer, who is a women’s entrepreneur coach here at Irooze. And we’re going to be dabbling in different types of businesses. What can you do? What are your options? We live in a world of opportunities right now.
There are so many options available to women compared to when Lisa divorced, when I divorced, it was really go out and get a job, you know, or start a big business. It wasn’t, you know, as many options now. We also know and we realize that a lot of it is AI and you might be worried or scared about it and all that, but it’s actually a great opportunity that Lisa is going to dive into.
So thank you so much for being here with us. Really looking forward to hearing your wisdom. Thank you, Ravit.
This is one of my favorite topics. I’m just such a tech nerd and also a human nerd, but that’s okay. So listen, the types of businesses that you can create now, it basically is endless.
And that’s why I think a lot of people are just like, what the heck do I do, right? So the first real good thing is to see, okay, what am I interested in? What’s my greatest place of pain that I’ve overcome? Like what, you know, what really gets you going? And that could be anything from any type of home stuff, right? I’ve worked with women who have come through postpartum like depression and things of that nature and then rebuilding a life. So it could be a myriad of things. Maybe you got a college degree that you never really used because, you know, you two decided you were going to stay home and raise the kids and he was going to be the primary breadwinner.
And now we’re in a situation where you’re thinking about leaving or it’s already begun. And now we’re like, what do I do? So what I want you to understand is, especially with AI right now, A, of course, the world is just at your fingertips. B, we’re doing much more service and less like actual production of things.
So I tend to have people steer away a bit from making bracelets and making this and producing hard goods, unless you’ve attached it to something that someone can continue to consume. Let me give you an example. I had a client a couple of years ago that was really, she was very much into crystals and she made these beautiful, beautiful bracelets.
And she was having a tough time getting her job going or business going. So what happened is I said, well, but you also like to lead meditation. You also, you like to counsel and coach and you can help women.
And she was in her 40s at the time, help women through the life changes that happen when the kids grow up and all these things, you know, the changes in life. Tie that into your crystal bracelets and make it into where someone has to come back to you or wants to come back, be a part of a community, things of that nature. And the business took off then because she then just really blossomed and becoming kind of a life coach that also had different crystal bracelets and things like that.
(3:21) So you want to really look for things that are going to take, that are less production and physical goods. You don’t have to hold, have an inventory and more where you can either offer service, make videos that people can watch, write books. Like you’ve mentioned that you did review, like you wrote a book about your experiences.
So we, or teach skills. So when we talk about coaching and online coaching, that is really either your kind of transformational where you’re helping somebody make a change or your informational educational, where you’re teaching somebody a skill. Those are the easiest and fastest and lowest cost.
As far as what you have to invest in a capital manner in businesses. Okay. I’m not saying it’s no cost, but I’m saying it’s the lowest cost and it’s the easiest point of entry.
And we can use AI to find out whether or not those ideas are valuable. We can also use AI to help us create our journals or our books or the calendars, help us decide, you know, come up with content ideas. And there’s so many different ways we can use AI to help us magnify our voice and get our business off the ground.
What used to take me weeks of market research and let’s put the polls out on social media, or let’s do this or let’s do that. Like even three years ago, I can do all that. Now we can do all that in the matter of a half hour conversation.
It’s crazy what we can do. We can build it. We can build entire websites and businesses and offers and stuff in a matter of hours and days or weeks at the very most.
We have to record videos and stuff, but we can create all this stuff just like this. What used to take me months and months to do, and you can do the same thing. Let’s not be scared of technology and let’s not be scared of AI.
Let’s leverage it so that we can figure out, okay, this is a topic that’s been trending over the last few years. This is a topic that all the market’s kind of waning right now. You want to play into that and allow this to be your playground.
Allow it to be this kind of quantum space of creation or like in the matrix, like when Neo went into the construct and he was like, oh, I want blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All of a sudden, all of this appears. That’s what you literally have a construct in the middle of AI and utilizing your brain.
(6:07) Create everything that you want to create. You have unlimited possibilities. If you don’t know something, guess what? It’s so easy for us to learn it now.
I don’t want you to feel like you are an imposter or you can’t do it. You absolutely have a skill set or you have some advice and knowledge that so many people need to hear from you and they want to learn from you. So to me, the best businesses to start are the ones that are kind of a low capital cost, but they have high returns and you need to be willing to build it.
OK, it doesn’t happen overnight. I know what you see. They’re like, oh, make six figures tomorrow.
That’s not going to happen. I’m not going to tell you a story. OK, but we can begin to build and build.
And before you know it, you will be at that six figure year mark. Absolutely. I couldn’t agree more.
There are so many different opportunities with AI. I see it as an entrepreneur myself. I would hire a mom any day to be able to take care of my AI, my stuff, whatever it is.
There’s a lot of opportunities for you to learn a particular software and go and work or be a freelancer. There are so many endless possibilities right now that there should be no reason for you not to find something that you’re good at, something that you’re passionate about. In the last video, we talked about purpose, having a real purpose and all of that.
So wherever you’re at in your journey, wherever you’re at in your life right now, please feel free to reach out to Lisa. I’m sure she’d be delighted to have a conversation with you. Let’s see what kind of ideas you can come up with.
Just to give you that excitement and say, you know what? I can do this. You know what? This sounds really reasonable. This is definitely something that I can go with.
And I see myself and envision myself in the future being able to still be a mom and go to the plays and go to the shows and do all those things that you want to do and you desire to do, but while having some financial independence. So Lisa and I are big believers that women should be financially independent. And it’s very, very, very, very important that you have your own money and you make and you earn your own money.
That you don’t sit at home and you just wait for dad to send you money and send you child support and send you alimony. And you know, if he doesn’t send it to you, you can’t buy bread. This is not the way to live.
Not in this day and age. There’s so many things you can do and have fun and be creative. So I hope that you enjoy the journey. Please feel free to reach out to Lisa at any point. Thank you, Lisa, for inspiring us again with your beautiful visuals and stories. I love how you speak. I love how you explain. It’s so easy to relate to you and to really imagine the possibilities. So thank you so much for your wisdom.And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Resilience Coach
Surrey, British Columbia, V3Z 0N4r
Canada
About Christianne
I’m Christianne Zurowski, a Body Intelligence (BQ) Coach who helps people navigate divorce and life transitions with clarity, confidence, and integrity. Divorce can leave you feeling exhausted, reactive, and disconnected from yourself, your kids, your work, and your life. I guide clients to stop surviving and start living again, reconnecting to their body, mind, and values – so they can make grounded choices, reclaim their energy, and show up fully in their next chapter.
How to Manage Divorce Stress Through Body Awareness and Confidence Practices, by Christianne Zurowski:
Your Body Holds Emotional Stress: Divorce-related anxiety often shows up physically – in your posture, breath, and presence – so learning to work with your body helps calm your mind.
“Change Your Shape to Change Your State”: Adjusting your posture – standing tall, opening your chest, and relaxing your stomach -can instantly shift you from fear to confidence.
Grounding Creates Stability: Feeling your feet on the floor and breathing deeply helps you stay centered and prevents panic during tough conversations or meetings.
Powerful Poses Build Inner Strength: Practicing the Tree Pose for rooted confidence and the Star Pose for openness trains your body to take up space and express self-assurance.
Consistency Builds Emotional Resilience: Doing these exercises daily -even for a few minutes – prepares you to remain calm, focused, and strong during stressful divorce moments.
Embodiment Empowers Communication: When your body feels safe and grounded, your voice becomes clearer and your presence stronger – allowing you to speak up for yourself without fear.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Christianne who is a body intelligence coach at Irooze. Now one of the things that we want to talk about is what do you do when you feel uncomfortable, when you feel this stress, when you’re walking into a meeting, maybe with your lawyer, with your ex or soon-to-be ex, you’re going into mediation, you’re doing something that makes you feel really uncomfortable. What do you do? You can’t just crawl into a hole, you need to be able to show up and express yourself and share what you want to share in a very comfortable way.
Christianne is going to show us today a couple of tips and strategies and things that we can think about, and I’m super excited to hear all about it. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much, Ravit.
As a body intelligence coach, I’m working with your body. So any way that you can use your body to, A, listen in and listen to what it’s telling you and use that to guide your next decision, and also how can you change your body? How can you show up differently so that you get to be the person you want to be? A simple phrase that is kind of sticky is change your shape to change your state. So this idea of if you’re feeling small, right, you’ve got to go to the lawyers, you’ve got to go deal with all the stuff that just makes you want to crawl in a hole, like Ravit said.
Our body shrinks, our voice shrinks, our presence shrinks, our words shrink, and we don’t get out what we really need to get out. If you’ve lived a whole life where you felt a little bit small, or maybe your marriage made you feel like you were losing yourself, we tend to lose the ability to speak up and speak our truth and to be seen. So it’s one thing to tell your brain, yeah, I’m going to speak up, I’m going to speak up, but it gets overridden by what your body is feeling.
It’s not enough to just say, I’m going to speak up, I’m going to be confident today, because your body’s stuck in the old patterns, and it’s going to hold you back. And then they’re going to be like in a tug of war, your mind and your body. So what I’d love to show you today is just a couple things that you can do so that you can show up in your next scary meeting, being seen and heard and using your voice so that you get to say what is really important in your life.
There are many steps to that, right? One, you just need to go in in a grounded way. So I’ve shared that before, you might already have some grounding techniques, I’m going to give you one quick one. And I’m going to invite you to ground your feet, just feel them, wiggle them on the ground.
That means that you’re present in the moment, and I’m going to get you to drop your arms by your side and spin your thumb open. By spinning your thumb open, your shoulders naturally rotate and your chest opens, you’re going to get more air. And that’s it, I’m going to ask you to do a couple breaths like this, I think you’re nice and tall spine, and your tummy relaxes, you’re not sucking anything in, there’s no photo op.
(3:18) And an even juicier one is to add the sigh. The sigh gives you a little bit of a, think of it as a vocal massage. The vibration gives your resonance here in your heart, it also tones your vagal nerve if you know what that is.
You don’t need to right now, but… That’s going to release whatever tension is pent up, just do a few, it only takes a few seconds. Once you feel grounded, then you can move into the way you want to be. We’re going to shake off those old feelings, and I’m going to invite you to stand with me and I’m going to show you two poses that you can do at home.
If they feel foreign to you, I’m going to invite you to do them daily, and you can do them before you walk into the scary thing, or make the scary call, or whatever the scary shrinky, shrinky thing is. I’m going to stand with the first one, move my camera a little bit, it’s called tree pose. If you’ve ever done yoga, I want you to have your legs right beneath, in line with your hips.
Your hips are in line with your shoulders. If you want to have alignment in your thoughts and words, your body also has to be aligned. Can’t be like this, can’t be like this.
Practice rooting to the ground. And if visualization works for you, I’m going to walk you through just a quick minute of visualization. So we’re going to do breath.
You can do that here. I’m going to imagine that you’ve got roots growing through the ground. If this is too wackadoo feeling for you, you don’t have to add visualization.
But the idea that you are so rooted that if I were in the room with you, I can’t push you over. You’re an oak tree. You know your worth.
You know what you’re walking in there to ask for it or talk about. And as you feel connecting to the ground, when you breathe in, feel a stretching up like you are your tallest self. When you’re not feeling confident and you’re feeling small, your body tends to shrink.
What we’re doing is undoing that body pattern to be your tallest, most confident self. This is a solid oak tree kind of quiet confidence. Breathe in again.
I like to look out as a tree, feel that there’s a wind and nothing can knock me off course. Sometimes you can add some self-talk like, I know my worth. I know what I want to speak about today. I will use my voice. Whatever works for you. That’s step one.
That’s a very centered kind of oak tree confidence and it will give your body the feeling of being rooted. You cannot be a pushover. You’re tall.
Sound like that a minute, five minutes, whatever feels good before you go into the thing. And if that felt really nourishing to you, your body’s probably craving that. If it felt really foreign to you, you’ve probably never felt strong and confident and rooted before.
(6:08) I invite you to listen to what your body’s telling you and make it a daily practice. Wake up in the morning, brush your teeth and stand there like that. Give your body the experience of feeling strong and tall and grounded and rooted.
And then when you move through life, it will be easier to access that state. It’s different. It’s adding that onto the mindset.
And then the second one, this one’s slightly different energetics. So that one is tall and strong and I’m going to get you to have your legs open. It’s called taking up space pose or star pose because that’s literally what you’re going to train your body to do.
If you’re somebody that’s been feeling very small or trapped and like you can’t break out to your body needs the opposite. So I’m going to stand like a star. I want my feet to be open and my feet to be facing out.
My finger is open and the tallest arms that I can stretch out to the universe. Now just stand like that and notice, do you feel like this is a normal thing and you always do this? I got this. No big deal.
Does it feel like, Oh my God, that is so uncomfortable. People that are not used to taking up space often have wet noodle arms, their arms hanging down. They have a hard time stretching, taking up space.
They feel really uncomfortable. They want to, they want to be small. Their hands are closed. Pay attention to the nuance, be as big with all of your parts as possible and just sunk that in. You don’t have to do anything at all, but sound like that every day for a minute until your body gets trained to take up space and your body will give your brain the programming that it’s allowed to talk. It’s allowed to have a voice.
You’re allowed to show up and be seen and ask for what you need. Okay. So if you’d like to add some self talk, say that I choose to show up as my brightest star today.
I walk into that meeting knowing that I deserve to be heard and seen. So do what calls you. If you like visualization, add some energetic, some light shooting out your fingertips.
If you like sparkles and rainbows, make them sparkles and rainbows. Maybe it’s a golden light and maybe it’s just this, that’s enough for you. This is body intelligence and action.
This is not just listening inwards, but choosing a new way to show up and training your body what it feels like so that your brain can catch up because it’s not enough to just do mindset. We’ve got decades of patterning and acting one way and if you don’t also train your body to catch up to where you want to be, they’re incongruent and they’re like tug of war. So I share those three little things that you can do if you’re looking to try, show up as your most confident self that deserves to take up the space in that room and you’re claiming back your life.
Nobody gets to make you feel small. You don’t need to be trapped anymore. I can give you those gifts.
Thank you. I love that. And one thing I would add to that because I’ve been in many of those very stressful meetings, I would even recommend that if you’re already highly stressed, do this in advance for like only two weeks, three weeks.
(9:06) Make it sort of part of your routine so that you’re preparing yourself for that grounding moment so that when you walk in, you don’t get flared up like the first thing that happens, right? You don’t want that to happen because that actually can ruin or destroy or really affect you in a negative way. So definitely add this in on a regular basis to sort of practice and make sure that like you’re with it, you know, like it’s a routine for you at this point and that you can snap out of it fast. That’s really important.
It’s like going to the gym, right? You’re not going to get strong arms if you don’t go do a bunch of reps. You need to do this as a practice for your body to know what it feels like to step into that embodiment. Yeah, absolutely.
Wherever you are in your divorce process, if you’re feeling like this could be really helpful, I highly recommend you DM Christiane. All her coordinates are here below, and I’m sure she’d be delighted to provide you a consultation to see if and how she can help you with whatever challenges you’re facing right now. Thank you so much Christianne for being here.
Thank you for showing these great exercises and for teaching us something new. And thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care everybody.
How to Recognize and Overcome Different Types of Fear During Divorce, by Christianne Zurowski:
1. Fear Comes in Many Forms: Divorce triggers various fears – emotional, mental, and physical – that often go unnoticed but deeply influence your reactions and decisions.
2. Differentiate Real vs. Imagined Fear: Some fears protect you, while others limit you. Learning to tell the difference helps you act with clarity instead of panic.
3. Your Body Reveals Hidden Emotions: Fear often appears as physical tension, shallow breathing, or discomfort – your body sends signals before your mind understands them.
4. Listen to Your Body’s Messages: Every tight muscle or heavy feeling carries information. Noticing where fear lives in your body helps you release it instead of suppressing it.
5. Break Free from Old Conditioning: Many fears come from childhood experiences or past relationships. Recognizing these patterns lets you rewrite your emotional story.
6. Build Body Awareness for Healing: Strengthening your Body Intelligence (BQ) helps you manage fear, reduce stress, and regain confidence as you rebuild life after divorce.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Christianne, who is a body intelligence coach. Now, you probably don’t know what that is. This is when you start to focus on your body and the signs and signals that it’s sending you all the time.
Now, when we’re going through divorce, you know, it’s an emotional roller coaster ride, right? We have one good day, a bad day, another bad day, a good day, and we never really know what’s going to happen. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children and that post-divorce, you’re not going to end up being sick or diseased or anything like that from the overwhelm of stress. So what we’re doing today is talking about the different kinds of fear.
Now, I didn’t know this until a little while ago, but apparently there are different kinds of fear. I figured fear is fear, apparently not. So we’re going to be learning about the different kinds of fear, and it’s very important for you to be able to evaluate, what am I actually feeling? What is actually going on? And this is going to help you throughout your divorce process to make sure you make better decisions.
It’s going to help you with your children and your parenting time, and it’s going to help you as an individual overall to make sure that you really are okay after your divorce. So thank you so much for being here, Christiane, really looking forward to hearing your wisdom on this one. Thank you so much for that intro.
It’s such a huge topic and yeah, there are so many types of fear, like so, so many. Anybody who’s here is already doing some introspection and some reflection, right? You’re trying to grow, you’re trying to survive, you’re trying to make it through to this next chapter of your life where you can be happy and healthy and whole again. So fear, we’re all biologically programmed to react to fear.
You know, there’s a fear of not touch the flame or you’ll get burnt. That’s a state, like a physical fear, and that’s legitimate. That’s you don’t want to get burnt.
Don’t walk in front of a moving car. But then there’s a type of fear that’s like, I better not do that. What will they think? That’s a very different internal narrative kind of fear.
So that’s a limiting belief fear, and we have lots of limiting beliefs. We might not have all of them. It might be, what will they think? What if I fail? What if I get rejected? What if I don’t belong? What if I’m alone forever? What if I succeed and I lose the life I have and people don’t want to hang out with me anymore and I lose my friends and family? What if I outshine and I make people around me feel small and bad and I would feel terrible about that? Like, the list is long.
So those are limiting belief, internal narrative stories that we tell ourself, not don’t touch the flame or you will burn. And they all show up differently in our body. And the reason that matters is if you can pay attention to how your body’s talking to you, you can make better decisions, right? So divorce is messy.
Hopefully it’s less messy when you’re here with, you know, Ravit and her team. But it can be a hot mess, right? Part of you is worried about, did I piss my picker off? Like how did I pick such losers in my life all the time? What’s wrong with me? And then you feel terrible. So the fear of picking again, what if I get it wrong? That’s a story and that’s part of your past.
(3:15) Or what if I make the wrong choice for my kids and you get analysis paralysis, oh my God, I can’t do anything at all. And you get just this perfectionist kind of fear and you just stand still, right? There’s so many debilitating types. So what I invite people to do, and this is definitely way too big a topic for this quick little segment, but start to listen inwards.
So once you’re past the survival mode and you can actually feel your sensations, I’m going to invite you to notice. One fear that’s really common for people is in this like solar plexus area where you make a fist right above your belly button. If you’re into chakras, this is your place of autonomy and authority and self-expression and your power.
So when we talk divorce, this place often gets really affected and you get a knot. Something’s wrong here. That’s often, oof, something crossed my boundaries, oof, something’s not in alignment.
When you say yes and you mean no, quite often it’s here like, okay, yeah, I’ll do that. And then your body’s like, oh, and you’re like, shoot, I shouldn’t have said yes. So this place gets really different sensations for different people.
Sometimes it’s a gripping or a nodding or a piercing or a vibrating, and it’s for you to pay attention to what’s happening there. Now that’s a different fear than up here. So like I do this for a living and I’ve worked on figuring out my signals.
They’re not the same for everyone, but they’re similar. When my heart goes, I get a little bit of imposter syndrome, which we’ve all had. It feels a little crushing here, like, oh, that’s a fear of, am I going to be good enough? You try something new for the first time and I feel it here, very different than feeling it here.
And this one I know I got to work through because this one’s in my head. So if I know it’s this fear, I know that I can get grounded, make a better choice and take a risk. But if it’s here, that one I better listen to because I’m out of alignment.
I’m not following my values. Something’s pushing my boundaries. It can be a heart pain, and that could have been about your old heartbreak.
Figure out where it is. My heart lights up in very different places. The top one, it’s imposter syndrome, like a pushing.
When I’m helping others, the top of my heart feels warm and delicious. And when I’m doing something that’s nourishing for me, it feels like a hand cupping the back of my heart, like a little hug. And they’re different.
And I know the difference. So the more you pay attention inside what’s happening, love shows up 20 different ways. Fear shows up 20 different ways.
Which one’s holding you back from being the person that you want to be? For yourself, for your children, for your loved ones, at work, in that divorce proceeding. So are you listening to the scary thing that tells you you don’t want to make the same mistake? And is that a clenched jaw and clenched shoulders? Does it feel like you’ve put like a turtle shell on to protect yourself because you’re keeping out the past? Or can you release that fear and be like, I don’t need to be protected from those old stories. I get to choose differently.
(6:22) And I’m going to do this instead. So it’s about discernment. It’s about knowing how it shows up differently in your body.
So you can make a different choice and not just an autopilot, what you’ve always done kind of a choice. So when you’re looking to be different after your divorce, so you don’t repeat those mistakes, this skill is imperative. How do I not do that automatic pattern again, based on how I was in my childhood, my culture, my parents, my past stories? How do I take a detour and show up differently? How do I use that, that fear, that anxiety to tell me, oh, that’s the one, I’m taking an exit route here.
So it’s super powerful. It’s very, very nuanced. And I invite you to start noticing at home.
Every time, if the text thing is a thing for you, every time you get it, where do you feel that in your body? Is it heat? Is it cold? Is it vibrating? Is it pulsing? How specific can you get? And then, oh, that’s what my body’s telling me that time. And then do it again for another thing. Every time I’m worried about making the wrong choice, what do I notice? And start tracking.
If you want help, I have a downloadable free PDF that gives you some vocabulary to help strengthen that skill and a way to track it, which is very cool for you to just start developing this skillset, because it’s not common that we do this, but it’s so, so powerful. So I think I’m up for time. Thank you so much for listening.
I’ll turn it over to you, Ravit. Oh, that was amazing. I was just thinking of like all the things that I’ve gone through in my life. I mean, I’ve been divorced over 15 years. So believe me, I went through every roller coaster possible. And it’s true.
One of the things that we don’t do is stop and think about how we feel and how something affects us. And so what happens is that when we don’t pay attention to it, it kind of goes into our subconscious and maybe in this conscious world, you don’t really realize it or think about it. But believe me, because I’ve been through so much and I’ve done a lot of work to clear and get rid of all this stuff that got stuck in me from all the years of chaos.
What ends up happening is that it affects your body in one way or another. And you may not see it. You may not feel it because you don’t see what’s happening inside your body.
But if you really want to sort of reduce the chaos in your body, in your mind after you get divorced, it’s really important to be in your body, in your mind, you know, like you would have emotional intelligence, right? EQ, BQ, and body intelligence are really important. So I invite you no matter where you’re at in your divorce process, whether you’re contemplating, whether you’re separated, whether you’re already divorced and stuff is still going on or you’re not feeling perfect, you’re not feeling great. I recommend that you reach out to Christianne, her DM and all her information is here below.
(9:08) And please take advantage of that free 30 minute session. You may as well see if and how she can help you and learn some new tips and strategies. So thank you Christianne for being here with us.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Now I’ve enlightened what’s going on inside my body and I hope that you did as well. Until the next time we meet, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care everyone. Thank you.
How to Calm Your Mind and Reconnect with Your Body During Divorce Stress, by Christianne Zurowski:
Shift from Thinking to Feeling: Divorce often traps you in overthinking—learning to sense what your body feels helps release emotional overload.
Your Body Speaks First: While your brain processes 50 thoughts per second, your body processes 11 million signals—listen to those cues of stress before they overwhelm you.
Use the One-Minute Reset: Unroll your shoulders, sit tall, breathe deeply, and rotate your thumbs outward several times a day to reset your nervous system.
Try the Lazy Boy Breathing Technique: Lean back, stretch your legs, and breathe deeply into your diaphragm—this posture instantly reduces anxiety and restores calm.
Ground Yourself in the Present: Feel your feet on the floor, soften your gaze, and take slow breaths to bring yourself back from survival mode to awareness.
6. Prevent Post-Divorce Burnout: Ignoring your body’s stress can lead to illness—practice self-awareness and seek support to stay emotionally and physically healthy.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Christianne who is a body intelligence coach here on Irooze. And what we want to talk about is really something important is can you feel your body? Do you understand what the signals that your body is sending to you? Do you realize when you’re in stress mode? Do you realize when things are happening in your body? How do you know how to decipher what’s happening? This is where we’re going to get you out of your head and into your body and I’m super excited to have Christiane here, who’s going to share some great tips, tools and strategies with us to help us all get out of our head and into our bodies. Thank you so much for being here with us. Thank you so much, Ravit. And thanks for that lovely intro. I’m so happy to be here.
Okay, so I love the topic of body intelligence because it is very, very practical. I love to be able to help people find the thing to do to get to where they want to go and not just learn about it, think about it and put their learning on a shelf. So often we go through reading books and expertise and hearing things, but we never know how to put them into practice.
And I really love doing bit. So this question is foundational to everything I do. How do you do it? I actually just on Ravit Sairu’s Divorce Directory released a blog and was commenting on all these exact questions this morning.
It sounds easy, but it’s hard. It takes a lot of time. How long does it take to actually develop these skills? And the answer to that, it’s all over the map because everybody comes to this place in their life with a different connection or disconnection to their body.
I have some clients that when I say, feel your toes, they feel nothing, can’t feel their elbows or butt, nothing like that. It’s like it’s not present. I like to say that we’re decapitated going through life, thinking, thinking, thinking.
We’re trained that our brain is really intelligent. We do the checklist. We use our logic.
We can push through things and, you know, I’ll sleep later or I’ll take an Advil for the headache. And then we lose touch with everything from the bottom from here down. One of my favorite stats is also that our brain is processing 40 to 50 things every single second.
So our brain is super powerful. We rely on it so much. We like to work on our mindset.
Our body, our sensory body, is processing 11 million bits per second. That’s all the unconscious stuff. That’s what’s happening without us noticing.
When our heartbeat speeds up and our breathing gets shallow and we don’t notice, those are the signals that we get to make from unconscious to conscious. And that’s what I like to help people do. So some people were lucky enough that they lived a life where they stayed in touch with their intuition.
Most of us did not. Unless you come from a culture and a family that made that okay. Most of us are like, oh, no, no, no.
You’re just going to or you don’t feel like going to school today, honey, you’re going to go anyway. And maybe that kid just needs to stay home and take a minute. Adults are the exact same way.
(3:06) We cannot push through all the things that are going on in our brain that are keeping us up at night, that are escalating our nervous system and keeping us in this frenetic kind of fight or flight survival mode. And when you’re going through divorce, holy jeez, are you ever living up here? All the things going through, I see Ravit’s face going, uh-huh. All the things going all the time.
A simple text can sit you off. The idea, the memory of a conversation can sit you off and it just doesn’t stop. So I’ve got a few minutes with you here today.
I’d love to show you a few things instead of just talk about it, because you have so much, 11 million bits of data from here down, well, including here, all of our sensory bits that you can actually listen to and use to your advantage. So the question was about how do we stop, I’m paraphrasing here, floating out of our bodies, right? How do you turn off that hamster wheel? So the first thing I like to tell people is to get in touch with your body more often throughout the day. And I call it a one-minute reset.
So without getting into all the neuroscience in these short minutes, I’ll invite you to try it with me. Pretend that you’re stressed, right? Like, I always work in contrast. So if you’re at the computer and you’re working, just like this Quasimodo pose, your fingers are clawed and you’re coming in and your eyes are zooming shut.
And when you’re stressed, you’re looking at that text angry, like, oh, that. Your eyes zone in. This is mimicking fight or flight.
And whether you know it or not, it’s hitting your cortisol spiking. So the first thing I’m going to ask you to do is to undo this, whatever this mode is. So take a breath and unravel.
And even if you’re not in that full claw-like state, build it into your day. Do it when you pour your coffee, when you have your breakfast, when you check your emails right before, right after, four, five, ten times a day. Start with one if you have to.
So you’re going to unroll your shoulders, you’re going to sit straight, and you’re going to pay attention. This way you can’t breathe. Your breath is here and you’re going to drop your shoulders.
Another really nice note that’s hard to put in print, rotate your thumbs out so that when you drop them by your side, they naturally rotate your shoulders out. Now I’m not thinking about anything. I’m opening my chest by just spinning my thumbs out.
And just take a minute and feel what it’s like to be the opposite of this. Your thumbs are out, your chest is open without thinking about it, your posture is straight so that your air can go freely, right? It can move from the top to the bottom. Now some people, when they’re really freaking out, this is too much to ask.
I cannot do that. The world is ending. Oh my God.
So I’m going to one-up you for you, or give you the next level for your panic moments. So this is too hard to access, I’m going to invite you to put your hands above your head and lean back. You know those lazy boy chairs that we all had growing up, I don’t know what age you are, but the ones where you kick your feet up? This is called the lazy boy breathing.
(6:11) So by doing this, you cannot breathe up here. Check the difference. Here, your breath can be like, short, shallow, not getting to the diaphragm where the calm state is.
Here, your breath gets pushed from the top to the bottom, and now it’s in your diaphragm. Now logically, we might know that diaphragmatic breathing is smart, but you can’t do that when you’re panicking. But when you’re chilling like this, stretch your legs out, lean back, support yourself.I’m going to ask you to do it for two minutes. That’s it. Just breathe like this.
You can even read your emails while you’re like this, and you’ll notice it’s very hard to be mad when you’re like this, because your air gets pushed down to where your parasympathetic nervous system is triggered, and you don’t have to think, right? You’re just getting out of your head and into your body, and this is better for like panic. How do you get out of it? So if you’re going to breathe slowly, then you want a good six cycles of breath to just shift the mode of… Right? So do this first, and then maybe you want to do the thumb spin, soften your gaze, and look out the window. If you’ve got nothing to look out, just soften and look through the wall, because when you have the beady little fight or flight eyes, that’s cortisol.
So imagine if you did that once, twice, five times a day. You are going from escalated survival mode. Everything is crazy and wrong and angry, and the texts are coming in, the lawyers and the bank, but you gave yourself a minute to come back to grounding.
Feel your feet on the earth. That’s a common one people do. Straighten your spine is pretty common.
Breath exercises are amazing. I don’t even have to tell you a specific one. I just want you to breathe.
And then when you come back to your body, this is off and this is on. And when you get good at this, you can start paying attention to what your body is doing when you’re stressed out. That’s a whole next level.
You can’t even get there when you’re in survival mode though. First you got to get calm, then you can do the noticing. Otherwise you’re zoned in into attack mode, anger, fight it away, survive.
I see Ravit nodding. Do you have a question for me or should I keep going? I love what you were saying, I think we’re going to reserve the rest for the other videos. And I was thinking of all these different scenarios, you know, so whether you’re in the midst of your divorce, whether you’re, you know, you’re dealing with someone who’s very angry and frustrated and your divorce is turning into a high conflict, whether, you know, you’re just the type of person who reacts very quickly to situations.
It’s very important to stop and just listen. And why do we talk about this? Because often enough, what we see is that people, parents are not focusing on what’s happening inside their bodies. So what happens, their body crashes after.
So you might sign your divorce agreement, you might be done all of that. And then what happens afterwards is that your body says, Oh, I’m so stressed that I can’t handle it. Boom, and it crashes.
(9:06) And then we have illnesses and diseases and all sorts of other situations. So what we’re trying to do here is open you up to something different and realize that when you’re having a hard time, realize that maybe you need some support. So no matter where you’re at in your divorce process, if you want some help, please do feel free to reach out to Christianne and I’m sure she’d be delighted to provide you a consultation to see if and how she can help you move forward from this point on.
So thank you so much for these great tips. I think I’m going to go and watch TV later on with my hands up and relax and check that diaphragm feeling. Thank you for these wonderful tips.
And thank you all for watching. Until the next time. Thank you.
Internal Medicine Physician & Anger Elimination Coach
M.D. Degree from University of Maryland Medical School (1973)
Board Certified Internal Medicine (1976)
Private Practice Internal Medicine (1977-2000)
Corporate Medical Director for Capital BlueCross (2000-2015)
About Dr Mort Orman
Hi, I’m Dr Mort Orman, M.D., Anger Relief Coach. If you’re thinking about divorce, going through it, or picking up the pieces afterward, you might feel angry, lost, or completely overwhelmed. You may not even know what kind of help you need—but you know something has to change. As a medical doctor and Anger Elimination Coach who’s helped thousands of people overcome unwanted anger for over 40 years, I want you to know this: You don’t have to stay stuck in that pain. I can help you find peace, even if it feels impossible right now.
The Obvious and Not So Obvious Effects of Recurring Anger by Dr Mort Orman:
Health Consequences of Chronic Anger: Recurring anger can lead to serious health issues, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes, and weakened immune function, making individuals more susceptible to illnesses like autoimmune diseases and even some cancers.
Draining Energy and Mental Fatigue: Anger drains your energy, leads to emotional fatigue, and disrupts your sleep and diet. This affects brain function, making it difficult to think clearly or make good decisions, hindering personal effectiveness.
Relationship Strain: Chronic anger negatively impacts relationships. Whether it’s a divorce or other interactions, being angry all the time can make others feel uncomfortable, causing emotional distance with loved ones, children, and even colleagues.
Harming Self-Esteem: Constantly being triggered by anger can lead to a loss of self-respect. It undermines confidence, as individuals may feel they are unable to control their emotions, even if they are successful in other areas of life.
Long-Term Impact on Future Life: The damage caused by anger doesn’t stop in the present. If unresolved, it can carry over into future relationships, health problems, and personal well-being, affecting every aspect of your life.
The Power of Anger Elimination: Unlike anger management, which only addresses the symptoms, anger elimination focuses on understanding the root causes within the brain. By learning to recognize and reframe the mental processes that lead to anger, individuals can eliminate it permanently and improve their quality of life.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Dr. Mort Orman, who is an anger elimination coach, and we’re going to be talking about the damages that anger can cause to you, to your divorce process, to your kids. So sometimes when we’re in the heat of divorce and there’s a lot of stuff going on and we’re being thrown all these different things at the same time, it’s very hard to stop and realize that the anger is getting really bad, that it’s becoming uncontrollable, and how it’s affecting you and everyone around you. So we really invite you to take this moment to just pause, think, and listen to what Dr. Maud is saying, to really internalize and say, is this me? So and once you know and you feel like it’s you and it sounds like you, then you’re one step closer to finding the solutions that you need to eliminate your anger.
Thank you, Dr. Mort, for being here, really looking forward to your wisdom. Well, thank you for having me. So the purpose of this discussion is to help you understand that anger, both during and after divorce, can be very damaging. It can be damaging to you. It can be damaging to anyone you care about, and it also can be damaging to your future life. So as mentioned, when you go through divorce, which is not a pleasant thing, there’s often lots of anger involved.
And even after the divorce, there can be lots of lingering anger, and it’s easy to get triggered to become angry very easily. And sometimes you might think that all this anger is good for you or that it’s protecting you or that it’s totally justified. But what you may not be considering is how much damage this anger can be causing both now and in the future.
So it’s worth taking a few minutes to honestly look at and consider all the damage that this anger can be doing now and in the future. Not to make you feel bad, but hopefully to motivate you to stop marinating in your anger and take steps to eliminate any unwanted anger that may not be benefiting you. So I’ve been a medical doctor for over 50 years.
I’ve been an anger elimination expert for over 40 years. And during those 40 years, I’ve been teaching people in all kinds of situations how to eliminate unwanted anger from their life without anger management. And there are only a handful of anger elimination experts in the world today, and I happen to be one of them.
And I’ve seen both in my medical practice and in my anger coaching experience, I’ve seen a lot of damage that anger can do, and it’s not a pretty picture. So let’s look at some of the areas where it can cause damage. Now, as a physician, I like to start off with looking at the health effects of having chronic anger or recurring anger.
And I saw a lot of this in my practice. You can get high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes, common symptoms like headaches, tight muscles, digestive problems. And one of the big things is chronic anger or recurring anger can depress your immune system.
And that can set you up for all kinds of other illnesses and problems, autoimmune diseases, even some cancers, we believe, maybe due to the fact that the immune system gets depressed by certain factors, one of which can be heightened emotions. And another area is to look at is your energy level and your brain function. So when you’re angry a lot, it can drain you of energy, it can make you less effective during your day, it can cause you to have emotional fatigue, lose sleep, start overeating or have a poor diet, and all this can affect your brain function.
(3:48)
So we don’t think our best or make our best decisions when we’re angry. Another area of damage, which most people are aware of, is how anger can affect your relationships. Obviously, anger may have been one of the contributing factors to why you ended up divorced in the first place, you and your partner ended up divorced.
But other relationships can suffer from anger if you’ve got a lot of ongoing chronic anger. Walking around angry all the time affects other people. It makes them feel uncomfortable and not wanting to spend a lot of time around you.
And if you’ve got kids or grandkids, anger can definitely damage them as well. If you’re constantly complaining or being bitter or having anger outbursts, it can affect your kids emotionally. And it can also teach them and model for them that the way to be an adult is to be angry, which is the message I don’t think you want to be sending to your kids.
(4:45)
So another area that’s really important we don’t think about a lot is our own self-esteem. When you’re getting triggered a lot and you’re not able to control your emotions, it makes you lose respect for yourself. I know when I was a younger man and I got angry very easily and couldn’t control it, even though I was very successful as a physician, I really didn’t feel good about myself because I didn’t feel like I was in control of my emotions.
So that’s another big area of damage that anger, particularly recurring anger, can do. And don’t forget your future life. Whatever damage anger is doing now, you have to look down the road and it can multiply over time.
When you don’t know how to free yourself from anger, the damaging effects can accumulate and can spill over into your future life. It can ruin your future romantic relationships. It can cause future health problems and lots of other problems that we’ve talked about.
So there is a solution to this problem and all this damage, and that is for you to be motivated to find a solution, to find a way to protect yourself from all this harm. And there are ways to do this. There are ways to get rid of your anger rather than just manage it or manage the symptoms for the rest of your life.
So I found this out 40 years ago and I’ve been teaching people how to do this ever since. So the best solution for dealing with anger during or after divorce is to understand anger elimination, understand how your brain is making you angry, and stop focusing on what other people are doing that you don’t like and start focusing on how your brain is making you think about those things so that you end up feeling angry. And once you understand this mechanism, which is really not that difficult to learn, you can eliminate most of your unwanted anger that’s not doing you anything positive and maybe causing lots of harm.
(6:42)
So every emotion comes from certain ways that your brain tells you how to look at things and how to think about things. And these ways can be discovered and they’re not complex or difficult, and this is not just true for anger. It’s true for every emotion that we have, whether it’s guilt or fear or worry or sadness.
They all come from just a few brain, what I call brain filters or ways in which our brain tells us to look at things that causes us to have that emotion. And you can learn the system or how the brain is using the system very quickly. I’d be happy to teach it to you.
All you have to do is reach out and we can set up a time to talk. And the important thing to realize is you don’t have to continue to have lots of anger either during or after your divorce. There are ways to stop doing that and stop having that emotion and the problems that come along with it.
So if you’re interested in learning more or you’d like to talk to me about your unique situation, please feel free to reach out. The contact information should be below and I’d be happy to set up a time to talk to you. So thanks for your attention.
Thank you for that. I think this is great because I think a lot of people don’t realize the impact that anger has. They’re like, yes, I got angry.
I had an outburst. Big deal. But it is a big deal.
It’s something that if it perpetuates, it will ruin your relationships with your children. So if you consistently have these outbursts, they will back away. They will, you know, cut down the amount of time they spend with you because it’s just not pleasant.
(8:13)
Children want to be in a fun, comforting, loving environment and anger scares them and it doesn’t do anything very good for them. And they’re embarrassed at times, you know, you’re screaming in public, you’re doing all these things. It makes them feel very uncomfortable.
So I know that it could be hard to realize that you have anger issues. I know that it could be hard to really ingest the fact like I need help, but this is the best gift that you can give yourself is to realize, I think I need to do something. It’s time to eliminate it.
And I’m not just going to do breath work while I’m, you know, in a chaos mode and having outbursts because we know that that’s not really going to help you. But think long term, think of the legacy you’re leaving behind to your children, to your family, to your friends, to your colleagues, everyone around you. Just be a better version of yourself and you’re going to see that you’re going to feel a lot better about yourself. So thank you so much for being here, Dr. Mort. Thank you for sharing this. This is really insightful. Thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all the day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Why You May Feel Like Giving Up on Your Anger Issues with Dr Mort Orman:
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze. Super pleased to be here with Dr. Mort Orman, who is an anger elimination coach. And our topic today is when you feel like just giving up, and you’ve had anger for a long time, and you’ve tried different techniques, and you worked with a therapist or psychotherapist or whoever, and you worked with this one, and you tried that, and you read this book, and you did those practices, and nothing is working.
And you feel like nothing works, so I’m just going to give up. Maybe I don’t have an issue, maybe my issue is not so big, maybe other people are making it seem worse than it actually is, or you just feel discouraged. What do you do at this point? And this is where Dr. Mort is going to give us some wonderful insights on that it’s not time to give up, it’s actually time to change your techniques.
So looking forward to hearing your thoughts, Dr. Mort. Okay, well, thanks for having me. Yeah, so the purpose of this discussion is to help you understand why that happens, why people tend to give up trying to solve their anger problems, and when they can find a solution if they hadn’t given up, if they just kept searching.
And, you know, it’s not the typical solutions are, like you mentioned, they’re not going to be all that effective, but there are solutions out there that can help anger during a divorce and also after the divorce. So as you mentioned, there’s no secret that when you go through a divorce, anger can be flying around all over the place, emotions run high, easy to get triggered and get angry and stay angry for long periods of time. And most people, as you said, will try and do something about their anger, they’ll recognize it’s not good for them, and they’ll try to control it, and they’ll try to stop getting triggered, stop having intense angry reactions.
And as you also mentioned, usually it doesn’t lead to much success. And after you do that for a while, the tendency is to just quit and give up and get pessimistic and say, why bother? And this is a shame because as I mentioned, there are very effective solutions out there, but when you go through that process and you’ve tried everything you know how to do and you don’t get the results, it’s very understandable that you may conclude nothing’s going to help. So the solution that I’m aware of is called anger elimination.
It’s something I discovered over 40 years ago, and I’ve been using ever since and teaching other people how to use it ever since. And there are a number of reasons why we tend to give up, and I think that’s important to get some insight into. But the first one is that most of the advice you’re going to receive is going to be about managing your anger.
And managing your anger mainly just deals with the symptoms. So you’re never going to cure the problem, you’re never going to stop getting angry through anger management, but you can through anger elimination. And most people aren’t aware of this.
So if you do anger management, you’re going to keep reacting, you’re going to keep getting triggered. That’s just what happens when you just deal with symptoms and you don’t address the underlying causes. So when these repeated disappointments occur, people naturally just tend to give up.
Another reason is there are a lot of myths in our society today about anger. A lot of people believe anger is just part of life, you can’t get rid of it, you can’t stop having it, the best you can do is to manage it. So the idea, the whole idea of living without anger is foreign to most people, and it seems radical and unbelievable.
(3:41)
So they don’t even, you know, approach anything that sort of promises that result. There’s also a fear of change and a fear of the unknown. And what happens when you’ve been angry for a long while and early, anger tends to become part of your identity.
And you start to feel like it’s protecting you, you start to feel like it’s a good thing to have, even though it’s causing problems, but it becomes part of your identity. So the idea of living without anger is actually threatening on a subconscious level, because that’s all you know. And you don’t know this other world where you could be free of your anger.
And just to even think about it is scary because it’s unfamiliar. Another big reason why people give up when they don’t have to, is because there’s resistance to being wrong. And when you, in order to embrace anger elimination, which is different from anger management, you’ve got to admit at some level, that you’ve been wrong about a whole lot of things.
You’ve been wrong about everything that people have told you about anger and that all the anger management experts are preaching that you may have bought into. And you’ve been wrong about that your anger is caused by other people’s behaviors, because it’s being caused by your own brain. So there’s this aspect of being wrong that you have to be willing to admit if you want to embrace anger elimination and actually get rid of the problem, then a lot of people are reluctant to do that.
So in short, there are a lot of good reasons why people would tend to assume that the thing to do is to give up, but it’s really not a good strategy. It leaves you stuck with your anger and all the damage that anger can do when you really don’t have to. So you can learn how to understand your anger differently and how to deal with it better.
And I’d be happy to show you how to do that. All you have to do is reach out. I’ve been doing this for 40 years and gotten very, very good at it.
So if you’re ready to give up the struggle and you want to learn how to eliminate anger, please reach out. My contact information is below. There’s no need to continue to have lots of anger either while you go through divorce or in the aftermath after divorce.
If you’re interested and like to learn more, feel free to reach out to me. My contact information is there and I’d be happy to schedule a free consultation with you. So attention.
(6:02) Thank you. That’s actually really great. I think that it’s very easy to give up when there’s a lot going on in the divorce process. You know, you’re dealing with this and this choice and this challenge and that challenge and all of that. And you tend to put yourself last. My best suggestion is try not to put yourself last all the time for a long period of time, because if you do, you’ll have to deal with the consequences of that later on.
So not only are you dealing with all these problems now, you’re going to have to deal with that later on and all the effects that it has on everyone around you. So we did another video about how your anger and recurring anger can really affect the people around you, your children, relationships, your colleagues, your family, you in general. So if you tend to give up on a lot of things, this is probably one of the things that you really shouldn’t give up on, because you’re going to feel so much more at peace and so much more relieved just knowing I don’t have to live with this anymore.
I don’t have to deal with this anymore. I don’t have to think about this anymore. And that on its own is really going to help you rebuild and restructure your life in a beautiful way. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. Thank you all for watching.
You could reach Dr. Mort by sending him a DM or all his coordinates are here below to see if and how he could help you from this point forward. And thank you all for watching.
Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Dr Mort Orman shares with us the difference between Anger Management and Anger Elimination
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Dr. Mort Orman, who is an Anger Elimination Coach. And we’re going to be talking about the difference between anger elimination and anger management. There’s a significant difference between the two.
And what we’re seeing is that there’s a lot of anger, animosity, frustration that either comes from before the divorce, so maybe in the marriage, maybe it could be from your life as a child, maybe you brought it into the marriage, or maybe it’s this anger that just exploded as you separated, as you’re going through the divorce process. There’s so much going on, and you’re not sure what to do, how to do it. And maybe you’re on the borderline of really being angry and needing some help.
So Dr. Mort is here with us today. Thank you for being here. We’re super pleased to hearing your thoughts, your wisdom, and all your great insights on what people can do to really eliminate anger and understand the differences. Thank you. You’re welcome. Thanks for having me.
So again, the purpose of this discussion is to help you understand the difference between anger management and anger elimination. And as was mentioned, and as you probably know, when you go through divorce, there’s often lots of anger that surfaces. And even after the divorce has been finalized, there can be lots of lingering anger and resurfacing anger.
And when you’re in that situation and you have all that anger going on, you’re going to try and deal with it as best you can. And if you seek advice or ask for help, you’re most likely going to end up with anger management strategies. And, you know, there’s thousands and thousands of anger management experts and books out there today.
(2:00) And any article on how to deal with anger during divorce that you might run into, it’s probably going to give you anger management advice. You’re rarely going to hear about anger elimination. And that’s what this discussion, I think, is so important today.
So I am an internal medicine doctor. And for 40 years, I’ve been an anger elimination expert and I’ve been teaching all kinds of people how to eliminate anger without anger management during those four decades. And there’s only a handful of anger elimination experts in the world today, and I happen to be one of them.
So get ready to learn all about the difference between anger elimination and anger management. So let’s start with anger management. Most people have heard about anger management or are familiar with some of the concepts.
You’ve probably heard about it. It’s basically a group of strategies or techniques designed to calm you down when you get angry, to reduce your symptoms. It also includes some strategies for how to communicate when you’re angry so you don’t make things worse or cause other problems.
And there’s an underlying philosophy underneath anger management that goes something like, well, anger is just a part of life. You can’t get rid of it. You can’t stop it.
So the best thing you can do is learn how to manage it and protect yourself from harm. Now the key feature of anger management is that it directly deals with symptoms. It directly tries to reduce your symptoms and make you feel better.
(3:27) Anger elimination is also about reducing symptoms, but it does it in a different way. It does it by helping you deal with and recognize the underlying causes of your anger. And the philosophy behind anger elimination is you’re not stuck with anger for your entire life.
You don’t have to keep living with it. You don’t have to keep experiencing it. There are ways to get rid of it.
There are ways to stop getting angry if you just have the right understandings and the right systems for doing that. Now one of the first things anger elimination teaches is that anger doesn’t come from outside of us. It doesn’t come from all the things that are going on that we observe that we don’t like, the behavior of other people, all kinds of external circumstances and events.
Anger comes from within us. It comes from our brain, basically. It comes from how our brain tells us to look at things and look at the external events, interpret them, and our brain actually makes us look at things in ways that produces our anger.
So every human emotion basically comes from an underlying set of brain filters. Usually there’s only two or three of them involved, and they’re usually not complex or difficult to understand. They’re just invisible.
So unless you’re taught to understand them, you won’t know what they’re doing. And this is true not just for anger. It’s true for any other emotion like guilt or worry or fear or sadness.
They all come from our brain and the way our brain tells us to look at situations in life. Now 40 years ago when I was opening up my medical practice and after I’d gone through my medical training, I had lots of anger and anxiety and one relationship failure after another. And back in those days, I blamed it all on the external sources, external things outside of me.
(5:14)
I didn’t have the insights of what my brain was doing. But then I discovered that it was my brain. It wasn’t all the things outside of me that I had been thinking was the problem.
And I did a lot of research and I finally figured out how exactly my brain creates anger and how your brain creates anger and everyone’s brain creates anger. And once I understood this sort of invisible brain mechanism, I was finally able to stop getting angry, stop being anxious, and I eliminated my pattern of relationship failures. So over the last 40 years, I’ve had very little anger or anxiety in my life and my wife and I just celebrated our 41st wedding anniversary.
And I guarantee you that would not have happened had I not learned how to stop getting angry and stop getting triggered so easily, which I discovered 40 years ago. So in my world and my work with other people, anger elimination works much, much better than anger management. Now you too can learn how to eliminate anger very quickly and very easily.
(6:13)
I’d be happy to show you how to do it. All you have to do is reach out. There’s really no need for you to continue having lots of anger during or after your divorce.
You can learn how to stop it, but you won’t learn that from anger management, but you can with anger elimination. So in summary, anger management is mainly about directly attacking symptoms and reducing symptoms. Anger elimination is about dealing with unwanted anger by dealing with the internal causes of your brain is making you angry.
Both of these approaches have value. It’s not that anger management doesn’t have any value. It’s just that if you want to cure your anger problems, you can’t do it with anger management.
You need to turn to anger elimination. So if you’re interested in learning more or you’d like to talk to me about your own situation, please DM me. and I’d be happy to schedule a free consultation with you.
(7:17)
Is this talk therapy? Like what are you doing with the individual? Are you diving in deeper into where did this come from? Where did it stem from? And you’re trying to find the root cause? Well there’s really no need to do all that deep dive like psychotherapy you would do in psychotherapy. This is not psychotherapy. It’s again, if you don’t understand the simple mechanism your brain is using, that’s where the anger is coming from.
That’s all you really need to understand to get a handle on it so that you can take control rather than having the anger or other emotions control you. So you can, you know, if you want to speculate about all the where it came from and all this, you can do that. It just for most people, it doesn’t give you the power to stop having the emotion.
Whereas this way, this approach does, and it’s a very simple thing that you can learn. And then you understand what your brain is doing every time you have that particular emotion. So by understanding what your brain is doing kind of reduces your tension that you’re thinking it’s an exterior factor, whereas you’re just looking internally and saying, okay, something is going on within me.
Yes, but it’s, to know that it’s coming from you is one thing. To know exactly how it’s coming from you is where the power is. So you have to know the formula your brain is using, because then that shows you where your anger is coming from.
And that allows you to go to actually interact with your brain and decide where your brain is telling you the truth and when it’s not telling you the truth. And that’s what releases the anger. When you, when you understand how your brain may be lying to you to make you angry and you figure out how it’s doing it, then you can step in and say, wait a second, here’s what’s really true.
(9:00)
And then when you connect with the truth and it’s different from what your brain’s been telling you, then the anger immediately dissolves. So that’s, that’s the power of that methodology that I discovered 40 years ago and I’ve been using, you know, incredibly successfully ever since it works like a charm and it’s not that difficult to learn. Great. Wonderful. So this is very insightful. Thank you for sharing all this. Thank you all for watching. If you want to reach out to Dr. Mort, you can just DM him. All of his coordinates are here below and connect with him and have a free consultation to see if and how he can help you. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Holistic Divorce Recovery Coach
BCC (Board Certified Coach)
Certified Divorce Coach (CDC)
Certified Divorce Recovery Coach (CDC)
Certified Relationship Coach (RCI)
Certified Life Coach (ILCT)
Certified Holistic Wellness (ILCT)
Certified Facilitator, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
(John Gottman Institute)
About Hanna
I’m your advocate, ready to guide, support, and empower you before, during, and long after your divorce.
The divorce process is a journey that often unfolds over time, sometimes extending into years of indecision before the moment arrives to take definitive action. It’s a complex and emotionally charged experience, like the stages of grief.
Even for those who want a divorce, the internal struggle can be profound. The end of a marriage signifies the conclusion of a significant chapter in your life, and the process of letting go—and all the emotions that come with it—can be deeply felt.
Holistic Divorce Recovery Coach
BCC (Board Certified Coach)
Certified Divorce Coach (CDC)
Certified Divorce Recovery Coach (CDC)
Certified Relationship Coach (RCI)
Certified Life Coach (ILCT)
Certified Holistic Wellness (ILCT)
Certified Facilitator, 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
(John Gottman Institute)
About Hanna
I’m your advocate, ready to guide, support, and empower you before, during, and long after your divorce.
The divorce process is a journey that often unfolds over time, sometimes extending into years of indecision before the moment arrives to take definitive action. It’s a complex and emotionally charged experience, like the stages of grief.
Even for those who want a divorce, the internal struggle can be profound. The end of a marriage signifies the conclusion of a significant chapter in your life, and the process of letting go—and all the emotions that come with it—can be deeply felt.
The Obvious and Not So Obvious Effects of Recurring Anger by Dr Mort Orman:
Health Consequences of Chronic Anger: Recurring anger can lead to serious health issues, such as high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes, and weakened immune function, making individuals more susceptible to illnesses like autoimmune diseases and even some cancers.
Draining Energy and Mental Fatigue: Anger drains your energy, leads to emotional fatigue, and disrupts your sleep and diet. This affects brain function, making it difficult to think clearly or make good decisions, hindering personal effectiveness.
Relationship Strain: Chronic anger negatively impacts relationships. Whether it’s a divorce or other interactions, being angry all the time can make others feel uncomfortable, causing emotional distance with loved ones, children, and even colleagues.
Harming Self-Esteem: Constantly being triggered by anger can lead to a loss of self-respect. It undermines confidence, as individuals may feel they are unable to control their emotions, even if they are successful in other areas of life.
Long-Term Impact on Future Life: The damage caused by anger doesn’t stop in the present. If unresolved, it can carry over into future relationships, health problems, and personal well-being, affecting every aspect of your life.
The Power of Anger Elimination: Unlike anger management, which only addresses the symptoms, anger elimination focuses on understanding the root causes within the brain. By learning to recognize and reframe the mental processes that lead to anger, individuals can eliminate it permanently and improve their quality of life.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Dr. Mort Orman, who is an anger elimination coach, and we’re going to be talking about the damages that anger can cause to you, to your divorce process, to your kids. So sometimes when we’re in the heat of divorce and there’s a lot of stuff going on and we’re being thrown all these different things at the same time, it’s very hard to stop and realize that the anger is getting really bad, that it’s becoming uncontrollable, and how it’s affecting you and everyone around you. So we really invite you to take this moment to just pause, think, and listen to what Dr. Maud is saying, to really internalize and say, is this me? So and once you know and you feel like it’s you and it sounds like you, then you’re one step closer to finding the solutions that you need to eliminate your anger.
Thank you, Dr. Mort, for being here, really looking forward to your wisdom. Well, thank you for having me. So the purpose of this discussion is to help you understand that anger, both during and after divorce, can be very damaging. It can be damaging to you. It can be damaging to anyone you care about, and it also can be damaging to your future life. So as mentioned, when you go through divorce, which is not a pleasant thing, there’s often lots of anger involved.
And even after the divorce, there can be lots of lingering anger, and it’s easy to get triggered to become angry very easily. And sometimes you might think that all this anger is good for you or that it’s protecting you or that it’s totally justified. But what you may not be considering is how much damage this anger can be causing both now and in the future.
So it’s worth taking a few minutes to honestly look at and consider all the damage that this anger can be doing now and in the future. Not to make you feel bad, but hopefully to motivate you to stop marinating in your anger and take steps to eliminate any unwanted anger that may not be benefiting you. So I’ve been a medical doctor for over 50 years.
I’ve been an anger elimination expert for over 40 years. And during those 40 years, I’ve been teaching people in all kinds of situations how to eliminate unwanted anger from their life without anger management. And there are only a handful of anger elimination experts in the world today, and I happen to be one of them.
And I’ve seen both in my medical practice and in my anger coaching experience, I’ve seen a lot of damage that anger can do, and it’s not a pretty picture. So let’s look at some of the areas where it can cause damage. Now, as a physician, I like to start off with looking at the health effects of having chronic anger or recurring anger.
And I saw a lot of this in my practice. You can get high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes, common symptoms like headaches, tight muscles, digestive problems. And one of the big things is chronic anger or recurring anger can depress your immune system.
And that can set you up for all kinds of other illnesses and problems, autoimmune diseases, even some cancers, we believe, maybe due to the fact that the immune system gets depressed by certain factors, one of which can be heightened emotions. And another area is to look at is your energy level and your brain function. So when you’re angry a lot, it can drain you of energy, it can make you less effective during your day, it can cause you to have emotional fatigue, lose sleep, start overeating or have a poor diet, and all this can affect your brain function.
(3:48)
So we don’t think our best or make our best decisions when we’re angry. Another area of damage, which most people are aware of, is how anger can affect your relationships. Obviously, anger may have been one of the contributing factors to why you ended up divorced in the first place, you and your partner ended up divorced.
But other relationships can suffer from anger if you’ve got a lot of ongoing chronic anger. Walking around angry all the time affects other people. It makes them feel uncomfortable and not wanting to spend a lot of time around you.
And if you’ve got kids or grandkids, anger can definitely damage them as well. If you’re constantly complaining or being bitter or having anger outbursts, it can affect your kids emotionally. And it can also teach them and model for them that the way to be an adult is to be angry, which is the message I don’t think you want to be sending to your kids.
(4:45)
So another area that’s really important we don’t think about a lot is our own self-esteem. When you’re getting triggered a lot and you’re not able to control your emotions, it makes you lose respect for yourself. I know when I was a younger man and I got angry very easily and couldn’t control it, even though I was very successful as a physician, I really didn’t feel good about myself because I didn’t feel like I was in control of my emotions.
So that’s another big area of damage that anger, particularly recurring anger, can do. And don’t forget your future life. Whatever damage anger is doing now, you have to look down the road and it can multiply over time.
When you don’t know how to free yourself from anger, the damaging effects can accumulate and can spill over into your future life. It can ruin your future romantic relationships. It can cause future health problems and lots of other problems that we’ve talked about.
So there is a solution to this problem and all this damage, and that is for you to be motivated to find a solution, to find a way to protect yourself from all this harm. And there are ways to do this. There are ways to get rid of your anger rather than just manage it or manage the symptoms for the rest of your life.
So I found this out 40 years ago and I’ve been teaching people how to do this ever since. So the best solution for dealing with anger during or after divorce is to understand anger elimination, understand how your brain is making you angry, and stop focusing on what other people are doing that you don’t like and start focusing on how your brain is making you think about those things so that you end up feeling angry. And once you understand this mechanism, which is really not that difficult to learn, you can eliminate most of your unwanted anger that’s not doing you anything positive and maybe causing lots of harm.
(6:42)
So every emotion comes from certain ways that your brain tells you how to look at things and how to think about things. And these ways can be discovered and they’re not complex or difficult, and this is not just true for anger. It’s true for every emotion that we have, whether it’s guilt or fear or worry or sadness.
They all come from just a few brain, what I call brain filters or ways in which our brain tells us to look at things that causes us to have that emotion. And you can learn the system or how the brain is using the system very quickly. I’d be happy to teach it to you.
All you have to do is reach out and we can set up a time to talk. And the important thing to realize is you don’t have to continue to have lots of anger either during or after your divorce. There are ways to stop doing that and stop having that emotion and the problems that come along with it.
So if you’re interested in learning more or you’d like to talk to me about your unique situation, please feel free to reach out. The contact information should be below and I’d be happy to set up a time to talk to you. So thanks for your attention.
Thank you for that. I think this is great because I think a lot of people don’t realize the impact that anger has. They’re like, yes, I got angry.
I had an outburst. Big deal. But it is a big deal.
It’s something that if it perpetuates, it will ruin your relationships with your children. So if you consistently have these outbursts, they will back away. They will, you know, cut down the amount of time they spend with you because it’s just not pleasant.
(8:13)
Children want to be in a fun, comforting, loving environment and anger scares them and it doesn’t do anything very good for them. And they’re embarrassed at times, you know, you’re screaming in public, you’re doing all these things. It makes them feel very uncomfortable.
So I know that it could be hard to realize that you have anger issues. I know that it could be hard to really ingest the fact like I need help, but this is the best gift that you can give yourself is to realize, I think I need to do something. It’s time to eliminate it.
And I’m not just going to do breath work while I’m, you know, in a chaos mode and having outbursts because we know that that’s not really going to help you. But think long term, think of the legacy you’re leaving behind to your children, to your family, to your friends, to your colleagues, everyone around you. Just be a better version of yourself and you’re going to see that you’re going to feel a lot better about yourself. So thank you so much for being here, Dr. Mort. Thank you for sharing this. This is really insightful. Thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all the day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Why You May Feel Like Giving Up on Your Anger Issues with Dr Mort Orman:
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze. Super pleased to be here with Dr. Mort Orman, who is an anger elimination coach. And our topic today is when you feel like just giving up, and you’ve had anger for a long time, and you’ve tried different techniques, and you worked with a therapist or psychotherapist or whoever, and you worked with this one, and you tried that, and you read this book, and you did those practices, and nothing is working.
And you feel like nothing works, so I’m just going to give up. Maybe I don’t have an issue, maybe my issue is not so big, maybe other people are making it seem worse than it actually is, or you just feel discouraged. What do you do at this point? And this is where Dr. Mort is going to give us some wonderful insights on that it’s not time to give up, it’s actually time to change your techniques.
So looking forward to hearing your thoughts, Dr. Mort. Okay, well, thanks for having me. Yeah, so the purpose of this discussion is to help you understand why that happens, why people tend to give up trying to solve their anger problems, and when they can find a solution if they hadn’t given up, if they just kept searching.
And, you know, it’s not the typical solutions are, like you mentioned, they’re not going to be all that effective, but there are solutions out there that can help anger during a divorce and also after the divorce. So as you mentioned, there’s no secret that when you go through a divorce, anger can be flying around all over the place, emotions run high, easy to get triggered and get angry and stay angry for long periods of time. And most people, as you said, will try and do something about their anger, they’ll recognize it’s not good for them, and they’ll try to control it, and they’ll try to stop getting triggered, stop having intense angry reactions.
And as you also mentioned, usually it doesn’t lead to much success. And after you do that for a while, the tendency is to just quit and give up and get pessimistic and say, why bother? And this is a shame because as I mentioned, there are very effective solutions out there, but when you go through that process and you’ve tried everything you know how to do and you don’t get the results, it’s very understandable that you may conclude nothing’s going to help. So the solution that I’m aware of is called anger elimination.
It’s something I discovered over 40 years ago, and I’ve been using ever since and teaching other people how to use it ever since. And there are a number of reasons why we tend to give up, and I think that’s important to get some insight into. But the first one is that most of the advice you’re going to receive is going to be about managing your anger.
And managing your anger mainly just deals with the symptoms. So you’re never going to cure the problem, you’re never going to stop getting angry through anger management, but you can through anger elimination. And most people aren’t aware of this.
So if you do anger management, you’re going to keep reacting, you’re going to keep getting triggered. That’s just what happens when you just deal with symptoms and you don’t address the underlying causes. So when these repeated disappointments occur, people naturally just tend to give up.
Another reason is there are a lot of myths in our society today about anger. A lot of people believe anger is just part of life, you can’t get rid of it, you can’t stop having it, the best you can do is to manage it. So the idea, the whole idea of living without anger is foreign to most people, and it seems radical and unbelievable.
(3:41)
So they don’t even, you know, approach anything that sort of promises that result. There’s also a fear of change and a fear of the unknown. And what happens when you’ve been angry for a long while and early, anger tends to become part of your identity.
And you start to feel like it’s protecting you, you start to feel like it’s a good thing to have, even though it’s causing problems, but it becomes part of your identity. So the idea of living without anger is actually threatening on a subconscious level, because that’s all you know. And you don’t know this other world where you could be free of your anger.
And just to even think about it is scary because it’s unfamiliar. Another big reason why people give up when they don’t have to, is because there’s resistance to being wrong. And when you, in order to embrace anger elimination, which is different from anger management, you’ve got to admit at some level, that you’ve been wrong about a whole lot of things.
You’ve been wrong about everything that people have told you about anger and that all the anger management experts are preaching that you may have bought into. And you’ve been wrong about that your anger is caused by other people’s behaviors, because it’s being caused by your own brain. So there’s this aspect of being wrong that you have to be willing to admit if you want to embrace anger elimination and actually get rid of the problem, then a lot of people are reluctant to do that.
So in short, there are a lot of good reasons why people would tend to assume that the thing to do is to give up, but it’s really not a good strategy. It leaves you stuck with your anger and all the damage that anger can do when you really don’t have to. So you can learn how to understand your anger differently and how to deal with it better.
And I’d be happy to show you how to do that. All you have to do is reach out. I’ve been doing this for 40 years and gotten very, very good at it.
So if you’re ready to give up the struggle and you want to learn how to eliminate anger, please reach out. My contact information is below. There’s no need to continue to have lots of anger either while you go through divorce or in the aftermath after divorce.
If you’re interested and like to learn more, feel free to reach out to me. My contact information is there and I’d be happy to schedule a free consultation with you. So attention.
(6:02) Thank you. That’s actually really great. I think that it’s very easy to give up when there’s a lot going on in the divorce process. You know, you’re dealing with this and this choice and this challenge and that challenge and all of that. And you tend to put yourself last. My best suggestion is try not to put yourself last all the time for a long period of time, because if you do, you’ll have to deal with the consequences of that later on.
So not only are you dealing with all these problems now, you’re going to have to deal with that later on and all the effects that it has on everyone around you. So we did another video about how your anger and recurring anger can really affect the people around you, your children, relationships, your colleagues, your family, you in general. So if you tend to give up on a lot of things, this is probably one of the things that you really shouldn’t give up on, because you’re going to feel so much more at peace and so much more relieved just knowing I don’t have to live with this anymore.
I don’t have to deal with this anymore. I don’t have to think about this anymore. And that on its own is really going to help you rebuild and restructure your life in a beautiful way. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. Thank you all for watching.
You could reach Dr. Mort by sending him a DM or all his coordinates are here below to see if and how he could help you from this point forward. And thank you all for watching.
Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Dr Mort Orman shares with us the difference between Anger Management and Anger Elimination
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Dr. Mort Orman, who is an Anger Elimination Coach. And we’re going to be talking about the difference between anger elimination and anger management. There’s a significant difference between the two.
And what we’re seeing is that there’s a lot of anger, animosity, frustration that either comes from before the divorce, so maybe in the marriage, maybe it could be from your life as a child, maybe you brought it into the marriage, or maybe it’s this anger that just exploded as you separated, as you’re going through the divorce process. There’s so much going on, and you’re not sure what to do, how to do it. And maybe you’re on the borderline of really being angry and needing some help.
So Dr. Mort is here with us today. Thank you for being here. We’re super pleased to hearing your thoughts, your wisdom, and all your great insights on what people can do to really eliminate anger and understand the differences. Thank you. You’re welcome. Thanks for having me.
So again, the purpose of this discussion is to help you understand the difference between anger management and anger elimination. And as was mentioned, and as you probably know, when you go through divorce, there’s often lots of anger that surfaces. And even after the divorce has been finalized, there can be lots of lingering anger and resurfacing anger.
And when you’re in that situation and you have all that anger going on, you’re going to try and deal with it as best you can. And if you seek advice or ask for help, you’re most likely going to end up with anger management strategies. And, you know, there’s thousands and thousands of anger management experts and books out there today.
(2:00) And any article on how to deal with anger during divorce that you might run into, it’s probably going to give you anger management advice. You’re rarely going to hear about anger elimination. And that’s what this discussion, I think, is so important today.
So I am an internal medicine doctor. And for 40 years, I’ve been an anger elimination expert and I’ve been teaching all kinds of people how to eliminate anger without anger management during those four decades. And there’s only a handful of anger elimination experts in the world today, and I happen to be one of them.
So get ready to learn all about the difference between anger elimination and anger management. So let’s start with anger management. Most people have heard about anger management or are familiar with some of the concepts.
You’ve probably heard about it. It’s basically a group of strategies or techniques designed to calm you down when you get angry, to reduce your symptoms. It also includes some strategies for how to communicate when you’re angry so you don’t make things worse or cause other problems.
And there’s an underlying philosophy underneath anger management that goes something like, well, anger is just a part of life. You can’t get rid of it. You can’t stop it.
So the best thing you can do is learn how to manage it and protect yourself from harm. Now the key feature of anger management is that it directly deals with symptoms. It directly tries to reduce your symptoms and make you feel better.
(3:27) Anger elimination is also about reducing symptoms, but it does it in a different way. It does it by helping you deal with and recognize the underlying causes of your anger. And the philosophy behind anger elimination is you’re not stuck with anger for your entire life.
You don’t have to keep living with it. You don’t have to keep experiencing it. There are ways to get rid of it.
There are ways to stop getting angry if you just have the right understandings and the right systems for doing that. Now one of the first things anger elimination teaches is that anger doesn’t come from outside of us. It doesn’t come from all the things that are going on that we observe that we don’t like, the behavior of other people, all kinds of external circumstances and events.
Anger comes from within us. It comes from our brain, basically. It comes from how our brain tells us to look at things and look at the external events, interpret them, and our brain actually makes us look at things in ways that produces our anger.
So every human emotion basically comes from an underlying set of brain filters. Usually there’s only two or three of them involved, and they’re usually not complex or difficult to understand. They’re just invisible.
So unless you’re taught to understand them, you won’t know what they’re doing. And this is true not just for anger. It’s true for any other emotion like guilt or worry or fear or sadness.
They all come from our brain and the way our brain tells us to look at situations in life. Now 40 years ago when I was opening up my medical practice and after I’d gone through my medical training, I had lots of anger and anxiety and one relationship failure after another. And back in those days, I blamed it all on the external sources, external things outside of me.
(5:14)
I didn’t have the insights of what my brain was doing. But then I discovered that it was my brain. It wasn’t all the things outside of me that I had been thinking was the problem.
And I did a lot of research and I finally figured out how exactly my brain creates anger and how your brain creates anger and everyone’s brain creates anger. And once I understood this sort of invisible brain mechanism, I was finally able to stop getting angry, stop being anxious, and I eliminated my pattern of relationship failures. So over the last 40 years, I’ve had very little anger or anxiety in my life and my wife and I just celebrated our 41st wedding anniversary.
And I guarantee you that would not have happened had I not learned how to stop getting angry and stop getting triggered so easily, which I discovered 40 years ago. So in my world and my work with other people, anger elimination works much, much better than anger management. Now you too can learn how to eliminate anger very quickly and very easily.
(6:13)
I’d be happy to show you how to do it. All you have to do is reach out. There’s really no need for you to continue having lots of anger during or after your divorce.
You can learn how to stop it, but you won’t learn that from anger management, but you can with anger elimination. So in summary, anger management is mainly about directly attacking symptoms and reducing symptoms. Anger elimination is about dealing with unwanted anger by dealing with the internal causes of your brain is making you angry.
Both of these approaches have value. It’s not that anger management doesn’t have any value. It’s just that if you want to cure your anger problems, you can’t do it with anger management.
You need to turn to anger elimination. So if you’re interested in learning more or you’d like to talk to me about your own situation, please DM me. and I’d be happy to schedule a free consultation with you.
(7:17)
Is this talk therapy? Like what are you doing with the individual? Are you diving in deeper into where did this come from? Where did it stem from? And you’re trying to find the root cause? Well there’s really no need to do all that deep dive like psychotherapy you would do in psychotherapy. This is not psychotherapy. It’s again, if you don’t understand the simple mechanism your brain is using, that’s where the anger is coming from.
That’s all you really need to understand to get a handle on it so that you can take control rather than having the anger or other emotions control you. So you can, you know, if you want to speculate about all the where it came from and all this, you can do that. It just for most people, it doesn’t give you the power to stop having the emotion.
Whereas this way, this approach does, and it’s a very simple thing that you can learn. And then you understand what your brain is doing every time you have that particular emotion. So by understanding what your brain is doing kind of reduces your tension that you’re thinking it’s an exterior factor, whereas you’re just looking internally and saying, okay, something is going on within me.
Yes, but it’s, to know that it’s coming from you is one thing. To know exactly how it’s coming from you is where the power is. So you have to know the formula your brain is using, because then that shows you where your anger is coming from.
And that allows you to go to actually interact with your brain and decide where your brain is telling you the truth and when it’s not telling you the truth. And that’s what releases the anger. When you, when you understand how your brain may be lying to you to make you angry and you figure out how it’s doing it, then you can step in and say, wait a second, here’s what’s really true.
(9:00)
And then when you connect with the truth and it’s different from what your brain’s been telling you, then the anger immediately dissolves. So that’s, that’s the power of that methodology that I discovered 40 years ago and I’ve been using, you know, incredibly successfully ever since it works like a charm and it’s not that difficult to learn. Great. Wonderful. So this is very insightful. Thank you for sharing all this. Thank you all for watching. If you want to reach out to Dr. Mort, you can just DM him. All of his coordinates are here below and connect with him and have a free consultation to see if and how he can help you. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
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About Pushpinder Singh
Spiritual Reason for Marriage: The spiritual reason for marriage is liberation. Spouses serve as doorways towards each other’s liberation by fostering mutual growth and spiritual development.
Complementary Natures: Men’s minds are typically sexually oriented while women’s minds are emotionally oriented. This complementary nature aids in balancing each other’s needs and desires within a marriage.
Role of Emotions and Desires: Women often shift their emotional focus to their children, while men may seek novelty in sexual experiences. Understanding these tendencies helps in managing marital dynamics better.
Detachment and Attachment: Marriage involves emotional and psychological detachment from previous familial attachments and forming new attachments, which aids in personal growth and contentment.
Contentment as Spiritual Base: Contentment, humbleness, and patience form the base of spirituality. Marriage helps individuals move within the boundary of contentment, essential for spiritual progression.
Mutual Dependency: Mutual dependency in marriage, such as fulfilling emotional and physical needs, fosters gratitude and love, strengthening the marital bond.
Psychological Effects of Name Change: Changing a woman’s surname post-marriage helps in psychological detachment from her parental home, fostering a sense of belonging and attachment to her new family.
Sex and Spirituality: Sex is not just a physical need but a powerful tool for spiritual progression, as it helps in relaxing the mind and exchanging memories, leading to deeper connection and understanding.
Kama Sutra Explained: Kama Sutra, often misunderstood, is about the thread of sex joining and merging the minds of spouses, enhancing their spiritual journey together.
Gratitude and Love: Acts of fulfilling each other’s needs in marriage lead to gratitude, which in turn fosters deeper love and commitment, making liberation through marriage possible.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose super excited to have Pushpinder Singh, Spiritual Coach for a very insightful and valuable information on what is marriage and what is the spiritual reason we get married. I can tell you that until today, I don’t even know the answer to that. I don’t know what the spiritual reason to get married is. I know what the, in the physical world, why we do it. So Pushpinder, I’m actually also very excited to hear what you have to say. So go ahead Pushpinder. Short answer is liberation. Both are each other’s doorway towards liberation.
In last video, I forgot a particular explanation, which is very easily adjoined to this explanation. If you remember, I had explained that a man’s mind is sexual oriented and a woman’s mind is emotions oriented. For a woman, it starts from emotion, ends in sex. And for a man, it starts with sex and ends in emotions. That’s how it is. So after some time, after two years or three years or so, a man’s mind, which is adjoined to sexual desires, it starts for thinking something new.
(1:23) It starts thinking something new. That means it will desire for a new woman. That’s how a man’s mind has been constructed. But for a woman, what happens? For a woman, after three or four years or so, a new emotion is born within her house, which is her own child. If you pay attention, a man, just because of sexual desires, he’ll get bored of his wife and thus his mind is thinking of a new kind of a woman just because he’s bored of a wife.
Why is his mind sexual oriented? Her mind is emotions oriented. That is why she will be attracted to a new emotion, which is her child. That is why she moves away from her husband. It is due to sexual desires, a man moves away from the wife. Because nature of the mind is such that it always wants something new. So a woman, she is fulfilling her emotions just because she got something new in her house, which is her own child.
All right. Now, how does this explanation get adjoined to this new information? As I said, a woman’s mind is emotions oriented and a man’s mind is sexually oriented. I don’t know about the West, but in India, it is the woman who is the one who is who leaves her house and comes to her spouse’s house, her husband’s house.
(3:02) As said, a woman’s mind is emotions oriented. Her emotion is adjoined. This is actually known as MO or external attachment. This emotion is known as attachment. Frankly speaking, sex is also an emotion, but so that the listener or the viewer can understand in a much more perspective and does not get confused over here. That is why I’m not utilizing the term emotion for sex, though sex is also an emotion. The definition of emotion is energies in motion. Sex is also an energy. Love is also an energy.
So what is happening over here is that she is leaving the house. So that means there is an emotional attachment with her parents. With her brother, with her sister and so on. She is getting detached from that emotion. Hence, that emotion is moving within the boundary of contentment. Contentment is the base of spirituality. This is a situation of a woman. That is why if you see, woman changes her name also. So that on the level of psychology, that complete detachment from her previous house happens.
Name also, a surname connected to the parents’ house also create a lot of psychological effects within the mind of a woman. In today’s day in India, this has started to happen that they are not changing their names. If they do not change their names, what will happen? A psychological effect will not get created. This detachment which will result in detachment, that will not happen. As I said, they are thinking on a very basic level. They do not understand mother nature.
It’s like your relationship is a sea. It’s a sea where all these small, small, small, small, small, small drops makes a lot of difference. In fact, the sea is a combination of all these drops.
(5:14) As I said, we just spoke about independence in the last video. If they become dependent on each other, what will happen? For an example, if a husband is a bread earner and if wife is not the bread earner, if the husband fulfills what the wife wants, automatically gratitude will arise from within the mind of the wife, due to which love will increase from her side towards her husband. And if the wife cook great food or fulfill his sexual needs, what will happen within his mind? Just because he’s dependent on his wife, he will develop gratitude due to which love will increase within him for her.
So what is happening over here? These are small, small reasons for the love to increase, for the relationship to become much more firmer. As said, these rules and regulations are made by enlightened beings. They are not idiots like me to make such kind of relationship, sorry, to make such kind of rules and regulations.
They have that vision to look far in the future tense. They knew what kind of action will convert into what kind of reaction. So they made such kind of rules and regulations so that in no way the relationship should end, by the way.
So what happens over here is that when she leaves her house, at the same time, she converts her name, her son’s name, from her parent’s name to her husband’s name, and then that name gets attached. Hence, again, on the level of psychology, emotions are moving within the boundary of contentment. Two effects.
Effect of the man. Now, his mind was continuously asking for sex. Majoritatively, if a man, as well as a woman, specifically a man, if he’s a virgin and did not have sex, he will majoritatively be excited for the first night with his wife.
(7:26) That’s a fact. Okay, so what happens over here, somewhere her sex gets detached from desire, moves within the boundary of contentment. Again, I said, contentment is the base of spirituality.
Contentment, humbleness, patience. These three are the base of spirituality. So what happens over here is that both are moving within the boundary of contentment.
If both are moving within the boundary of contentment, though they do not know, they are actually moving towards spirituality. Actually, they are. But what happens is that just because they are not going inwards, that contentment does not increase.
(8:16) After two or three years, the mind, which is habituated to always ask for something new, that feeling increases and thus they get mentally separated. Right. So what is going on over here, the spiritual reason behind marriage is that they both are a doorway towards liberation.
Because if a woman is emotions oriented, if she does not leave her house, if she does not change her name, automatically her emotions will not get detached. If a husband is not getting married and having sex with his wife, that means desires will keep on happening, keep on increasing within him. Hence, it will become impossible for both of them to move towards spirituality.
Why? Because contentment is not increasing within both of them. I would just like to describe the verse, I’ll say the meaning as well, by Gurdas ji says, लोक वेद गुण ज्यान विर्च अर्ग सरीरी मोक दुवारी That means, in the world, your spouse is actually a doorway towards liberation. He confirms it. Frankly speaking, as said in the previous video, sex is not just the need of the body. Of course, it is. The body is made out of food. It needs food. The body is made out of water.
(9:48) It needs water. The body is made out of air. It needs air. The body is made out of sex. It needs sex. It is the need of the body. Yes. But it is a much more bigger need for spiritual progression. Why? Because sex is the most powerful tool to relax your mind.And without relaxation of mind, awakening of the mind does not happen. This is itself known as Kama Sutra. Kama means sex, Sutra means thread.
One more meaning of Sutra is adjoinment. One more meaning of Sutra is submerging. Because these are all steps.
What is happening? Kama is adjoining both of them with a thread, which will later on submerge both of their minds into each other. How? Because as I said, in the process of sex, huge memory exchange happens between both of them. Hence, both of them are merging into each other.
That is what Kama Sutra is. Though in today’s day, majority of the people are kind of justifying, they are trying to justify their own sexual perversion by utilizing the name of Kama Sutra. Saying that, okay, fine, Kama Sutra is there in Indian society or in Eastern spiritual culture.
That means we can have sex with anyone. Though they do not understand the concept. The motive behind it is that they just want to justify their own perversion by utilizing such kind of a term.
Hence, both husband and wife are a doorway towards liberation. Without both of them getting together, it is impossible that liberation is a possibility. It is impossible.
Frankly speaking, whatever this body has attained, a very big part goes towards my wife. A very big part. It was impossible without her.
Hope you got your answer. Wow. A whole other way of looking at marriage, that’s for certain. Hope you guys enjoyed this. Please do write your comments and your thoughts below and Pushpinder will respond back to you.
Pro-Marriage Perspective: While the Divorce by Rose community is neutral, this course offers a pro-marriage stance, encouraging couples to explore all options before deciding on divorce.
Role of Emotions: The course delves into the crucial role emotions play in marriages and life decisions, emphasizing that actions are secondary to emotions.
Impact on Children: Detailed discussion on the psychological and emotional effects of divorce on children, highlighting their developmental challenges during and after parental separation.
Culprit Thought Process: Exploration of the main thought processes that lead to marital conflicts, explaining how emotions combined with memories create thoughts that drive conflicts.
Spirituality in Marriage: Introduction to the idea that a spouse can be a gateway to spiritual liberation, combining concepts of Kama Sutra with spirituality to enhance marital harmony.
Mental vs. Physical Separation: Analysis of how long-term mental separation between spouses can lead to physical separation and ultimately divorce, focusing on psychological and emotional factors.
Post-Separation Emotions: Insights into the emotional and psychological struggles individuals face in forgiving their spouses after separation, addressing common post-divorce sentiments.
Community Support: The Divorce by Rose app offers 24/7 access to professionals and a supportive community, helping individuals make informed, logical decisions about their relationships.
Anonymity Assurance: Members can remain completely anonymous within the app, ensuring privacy and security while seeking support and advice.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze. I’m super pleased to be presenting to you this course created by Pushpinder Singh, who is our fellow Spritual Coach, and his course is called Why and How to Divorce a Spiritual and Psychological Perspective Overview. Now in this course, Pushpinder, who is from India, opens up our horizons to look at things differently. Pushpinder is actually not pro-divorce, he is pro-marriage, which is okay, because at Irooze, we always say we’re not pro-marriage and we’re not pro-divorce either. We are pro-helping you, to provide you with the information and the tools and the strategies that you need to help you make a logical decision. So if you’re staying stuck in the mode of somebody wants a divorce, whether me or my spouse, and one of us is not comfortable with the idea and we’re really strong on the fact or the tradition of marriage, this is a great course to take.
This is going to open up your horizons and open up your ways of thinking and plant new seeds of thought that you might not have thought about before. Before you make an irrational or emotional decision to divorce, it’s very important that you think outside of the box, that you get as much information as possible to make sure that you’re making the right decision. So if you stay tuned, in this next clip, you’re going to have access to Pushpinder, who’s going to share more about himself and more about his course and what it is that he is offering in this amazing content-filled course. Stay tuned and at the end, we’re going to show you exactly how to get access to this course. Thank you. Hello, Namaskar and Sat Sri Akal to the viewer who is watching this video right now.
My name is Pushpinder Singh and this video is actually an introduction video which is related to the course which has been integrated into the Divorce By Rose community app.. I have given my introduction completely in the previous video.
(2:25) Now, the name of this particular course is Why and How to Avoid Divorce. In this particular course, lots of information regarding how and why to avoid divorce have been given. The different topics which have been integrated into this particular course is what role do emotions play in your marriage and in your life.
In this particular video, it has been explained that what role do emotions play in any kind of action the human body commits. I usually say this in my rooms or in my webinars that emotions are always primary and actions are always secondary. Whatever action a human body commits, it’s actually the emotions going on and on and on in the background.
There are lots of reasons which have been shared in that particular video. Next video is about psychological and emotional effects on innocent children and their future due to the separation which happens in between their parents. In this video, lots of psychological development which a child has while the parents are going through divorce and after they are divorced, what kind of psychological effects and what kind of psychological development develops within a child on the basis of these five senses have been shared in that particular video.
(4:20) The next video is the culprit thought behind divorce. Does the problem exist within your marriage or within you? That is the topic of the next video. In that, the main culprit thought process which is a creation of emotion and memory.
Normally, thoughts are a consequence of this adjoinment. When emotions get adjoined to memory, that’s when thoughts are born. So, what is the main culprit thought process which pushes a human being for any kind of conflict which is happening within the world including the conflict in between a husband and wife that has been shared in this particular video and completely been explained.
Now, the next video is on spirituality in marriage. It has been shared that how your spouse is actually a doorway towards liberation. This will be a very very new perspective because in this particular video, sex known as Kama Sutra has been adjoined to spirituality.
In fact, if sex gets adjoined to spirituality, this itself, this process itself is known as Kama Sutra because sex is the most powerful tool to relax down the mind and without relaxation of mind, awakening of mind does not happen. This particular adjoinment of relaxation and awakening of mind, sex and meditation itself is known as Kama Sutra. This has been explained in a lot detail.
(6:08) Next video is physical separation as a consequence of mental separation happening since years. In this particular video on the level of psychology, why and how do the mindsets get separated in between a husband and a wife and the consequence of this mental separation leads to physical separation which is known as divorce. That has been explained completely.
What kind of psychological, emotional and on the level of thoughts and memory what goes on within the mind that has been explained. Now, I think this will be very new perspective to the viewer and the next video is on the subject, how does one know that he she still loves the spouse even after separation. Now, in this video, different kind of emotions and different kind of thought process which develops due to which a person literally keeps on fighting with his own self to forgive the spouse.
This usually happens after divorce. If you pay attention, normally after divorce or after separation, a certain kind of hatred develops between both the husband and the wife. What is the psychological, emotional and memory on the level of memory, what is the reasoning behind it that has been explained in this particular video.
(7:39) If you’re a parent and you’re either contemplating divorce or newly separated and you’re wondering should I stay or should I go, we are here to help you find the answers you’re looking for. At Irooze, we are not pro-marriage and we’re not pro-divorce either. We are a select group of coaches, experts and professionals from various industries who are here to help you replace your emotional decisions with logical and methodical decisions.
With our guidance, direction, support and most of all our personal and professional wisdom, you will be 10 steps ahead. Whether you decide to stay married or get divorced, we will help you find your answers and your path towards your new beginning. Where else can you get 24-7 access to divorce professionals?
(8:48) And remember, when you become a member, you can remain completely anonymous. When you register, all you need to do is use a fake first name and last name and now you can feel comfortable and secure knowing that no one can recognize you. Not even your mother-in-law or soon-to-be mother-out-law who now won’t start a gossip column on something you wrote publicly. You’re one click away from not being alone and preventing yourself from ending up broke and broken. Until then, wishing you a day that matters
Video Transcription
Hi, I’m here with Pushpinder Singh, Spiritual Coach, and we are so excited to be offering you this video series for his course. And the first important critical conversation that we wanted to have today was how do your emotions affect your marriage and your happiness? And this is a very important question to ask and a very important concept to understand, which normally people don’t really quite understand because our emotions are the biggest part of us. And when you’re contemplating divorce or you’re newly separated, one of the important things to understand is did your emotions of a particular situation affect you and affect your marriage? Did you look at those things? Did you look at those areas? Did you analyze all this so that you really do understand where you’re at right now?
Pushpinder is not for divorce, but we at Irooze are not for either – styaing married or divorcing. We are here simply to help you and guide you to find the right information so that you can make a logical decision as to should you stay married or should you get divorced, so that you can move forward with your life from that moment on. So Pushpinder, what wisdom and advice can you share with parents on this important topic? As you have heard me before also, I’m not a man of advice. I’m definitely a man of reasons and explanation by the way. So your question was that what kind of role does emotion play in any kind of decision, let it be marriage or the other way around. From childhood to everything, every action, whatever action a human body or a human being commits, it’s always the emotions 24×7 working in the background.
For an example, if right now also if I’m speaking, it’s the emotions working in the background. If somebody is committing an action in anger, automatically that means it’s anger working in the background. And emotions plays a very big role.
In fact, that’s the major role which plays with like the body is actually the doll dancing with the commands of those emotions. And anyhow, science also says that majority of the body is also controlled by either the subconscious or the unconscious mind. Conscious mind controls about just 2-3% or maximum 4%.
(3:06) So what happens is that in today’s date, majority of the people are fighting outside. What happens like in this case, if there is a problem or a conflict in between a husband or a wife, both of them are either angry on each other or holding on to aggression or ego against each other. So of course it’s the anger and ego which are of course emotions.
I usually say this that you need to go inwards, fight against these own internal emotions. If you fight against these own internal emotions, take charge over these emotions, then automatically these emotions will not be able to control you. Majority of the cases, it’s the emotions which are controlling the human being.
It’s not the human being controlling the emotions. If the emotions control the human being, if emotions take charge over the human body, these emotions will control the human being in such a way that they will start fighting with each other externally. Why does that happen? Just because they are not fighting internally against their own internal emotions.
For an example, there is anger held on in between a husband and a wife. Anger is an emotion. Instead of they holding on to anger against each other, if they went inwards and at the same time they took charge over anger.
If a human being takes charge over anger, that means they become patient enough. If they become patient enough externally, it is impossible that any kind of conflict will occur in between a husband and a wife externally. It is not at all a possibility.
Just because they are fought internally, taken charge over anger internally, and anger is no more in charge of that particular body or that particular human being. Hence they have gained patience. If they have gained patience, automatically the marriage wouldn’t collapse.
It is due to ego or it is due to anger or many more negative emotions which take charge of the situation and make them fight externally, create a conflict externally. This is how emotions take charge either on the level of the body or either on the level of situation. The emotions which is taking charge of the situation.
It’s better we take charge over these emotions by going inwards. We control it and hence we can live a very blissful life. I usually say that happiness and sadness both are very, very temporary states.
(6:08) Happiness can anytime convert into sadness and sadness can anytime convert into happiness. But if you go inwards, then you are actually chasing bliss. That is 100% permanent state. It does not convert into anything because that is a state of singularity. Happiness and sadness both are states of duality. Both are opposite states.
So these are how emotions work on a human body, on a human being as well as in such kind of situations where two, let it be a husband or a wife or anybody, are in conflict. It’s mainly the emotions which are the culprits, which are taking charge over human beings and making them fight against each other externally. That’s how it works.
I agree completely and I think that one of the things that you really do realize only when you get to the brink of deciding that you’re done with this marriage and you want to move on, is you start to look within yourself. The decision to either get divorced or to separate really gets you to look internally. Until that moment, often we live in like this go, go, go, go, go world where we’re so busy that we don’t take the time to think about ourselves.
We don’t take the time to just stop. It’s really when you have this life-changing experience that’s about to radically change the life that you know, that you suddenly start to reflect within. The important conversation we’re trying to have here is before you make this radical decision to divorce, it’s very important that you just take the time to just stop and think and analyze yourself and work within and do the self-development and evolve as an individual and become a better version of yourself so that any decision you make from this point forward will be a logical decision rather than an emotional decision.
Because divorce is a very emotional decision and usually I would say a good 75% of the time we’re just sort of like quickly saying I want a divorce, I’m fed up with you, you didn’t take out the garbage, you didn’t do this, you didn’t do that, I don’t like this, I don’t like that, you get a list of all the complaints. Sorry to interrupt, that’s more than 75% literally more than 35% because that’s what impatient does. That’s what impatient does.
(8:36) Impatient decision just like that. And if you take a decision just like that, that means you’re not spending time to think. Right? If you’re not spending time to think that that’s when you will take a hasty decision.
Hasty decisions are always harmful decisions and that’s what is going on today. People are getting harmed by their own hasty decisions, impatient decisions. So in order not to be impulsive, what we’re saying here is that it’s really important that you dive inside yourself, that you focus on you and that you look at your emotions and you try to just balance it out just so that you have a very clear picture of what you’re dealing with, so that you can then make the next decision. Should I stay married or should I get divorced? Or maybe I should work on things or maybe I need to work on myself first before I make any decision. And that would probably be the smartest thing you can do because if you work on yourself first, you’re going to have much more clarity as to the kind of life you want, what did you lose along the way, what is it about yourself that you can modify and change first, just for you to feel better about yourself.
Energetic Healer, Emotional Recovery, and Soul-Level Transformation.
120 Lubec St
Providence, Rhode Island, 02904
Servicing the Whole United States
About Rev. Rachael
I work with moms and dads at any stage of the divorce process- whether you’re contemplating leaving, newly separated, or deep into rebuilding. My clients often feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, unsupported, or confused about what to do next.
I help individuals who are ready to stop surviving and start healing- from emotional pain, relationship trauma, chronic stress, spiritual disconnection, and physical imbalance.
I offer both in-person and remote sessions, and I welcome people of all backgrounds, gender identities, and spiritual beliefs. I also work with children and teens (with parental supervision) who may be struggling during or after divorce.
Letting Go Is Difficult but Necessary: Ending relationships, especially intimate ones, is painful, but it’s essential to move forward and break free from old patterns.
Energy We Give Returns: When we give love or energy, even if not reciprocated, it eventually comes back to us in another form. Letting go allows that energy to flow back positively.
Patterns of Self-Worth: We may accept less than we deserve because of old patterns. Releasing those patterns opens us up to receiving more love and healthier relationships.
Cord Cutting for Energy Cleansing: Energetic cords form in relationships, and cutting them clears past energy, allowing for spiritual growth and healthier future connections.
Clear Energy to Make Better Decisions: Clearing old relationship energy helps us make decisions from a place of clarity, free from past emotional influences.
Periodic Energy Maintenance: Regular energetic healing and cord cutting maintain balance and keep us aligned with our divine self, fostering personal and relational growth.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Rachael, who’s an energetic healer here at Irooze, and super excited to be talking about letting go. How do you let go of relationships? How do you let go of, why did I choose this husband or wife? Why did I pick these boyfriends? And really looking at the patterns of your past relationships and how they brought you to where you are now. So we’re not talking about therapy, this is not talk therapy, this is not diving into your childhood and why did you choose this and why did you do that and what about behaviors? We’re looking at this from a spiritual and energetic perspective.
And I love this because this is so helpful for you in so many ways. And I would recommend that you listen to this a couple of times until it really sinks in, because it really is something that very important to hear. So thank you, Rachel, for being here with us, super looking forward to hearing your wisdom. Oh, thank you so much. Thanks for the warm welcome. Yeah, this is a great topic.
You know, this is a really loaded topic, right? It brings up so much for us. Letting go is very difficult, especially when we’ve poured into somebody. So when a relationship is coming to an end, it’s generally painful, right? Anything, even friendships, you know, just even a lover or any kind of relationship.
And so when you get into the realm of marriage, where you’ve really bonded with this person on so many levels, and you’ve changed your life and you’ve poured into the person and you’ve poured into the relationship, there’s going to be a part of you that wants something back, right? Most of us want a return on our investment, right? We want to feel like what we did was worth it, and that we’re being acknowledged, you know. So I want to talk about this from a couple different points of view. One is that anytime we pour into a person, and anytime we love, that puts that out into the universe, that energy goes out there.
And even if that person does not return it, it will come back to you. And it’s really important to remember that. It’s really important to remember that what we put out will come back to us.
It doesn’t feel like it in the moment, and it feels like we can be shortchanged. And you know, in some ways we could have been, that’s true, but it will still come back to you in another way. The thing is, is we have to get out of our own way and change the pattern so that we receive it.
Because for some reason, we are sabotaging it or we’re blocking it. And that comes down to the patterns of what we’ve gotten used to, and what we feel we deserve. So again, it kind of comes back to self-love and self-worth, what we deserve, and what we’ve gotten used to.
(3:02) We might have gotten used to just getting like crumbs from a person, and it feels like the best thing ever. But the truth is, is you’ve given so much, and the universe is ready to give you that back, and it’s not going to be coming through that relationship. So at that time, it’s really important to let that relationship go, again, to the best of your ability.
And the healings that I do, the energetic healings I do, change those patterns. It changes and works on the light grids in your body, which is what is connected to all of creation. So there’s a light grid that runs through your body and your being, and that also connects to all the larger light grid.
And what happens is, is we get really closed off. We get kind of like tunnel vision about things, and we forget that we’re actually connected to a larger grid. And so it changes those patterns so that you can reconnect to the larger grid in a whole way again, back with kind of like the divine being, that divine spark of yourself that’s actually perfect the way it is.
It connects you back to that so that you can then change your reality or change the experience you’re having and change the people that you’re connecting with. And then another healing that I do, I do cord cuttings, which are really important because when you’ve been intimate with somebody, you create cords with energetic cords with them. And that energy actually flows back and forth between the two of you.
And so wherever you were in your life and you connected with them, that’s the energetic cord that was created. So as we grow, as we change, as we learn, we want to cut those cords so that if we record, we decide to be with somebody new and create new cords. It’s in a space of growth.
So we’re not sending that energy back and forth. That is the old energy with the old patterns, with the old ways of being. So you can do it.
You can do it in a current relationship that’s not ended. And you can also do it with relationships that have ended. You can do cord cuttings at any time.
So they clear the energy. They don’t sever love. Love is considered a force which is beyond energy. So love is never severed. So that’s something to remember too. All the love that we put out there, all the love that we have for ourselves, all the love that we have for others is absolutely beautiful.
The more love that you put out there, it’s actually the better because that will come back to you once you clear those patterns that you’ve created with people that are more dysfunctional and you open yourself back up. That love will be returning back to you once you can hold it and your self-esteem and your self-love has been worked on enough to receive it and not block it. So it’s really important to go through that process.
I highly, highly recommend energy work. I highly, highly recommend cord cuttings. They’re so important for our spiritual growth and development.
And it really frees you because energy will go from a higher vibration to a lower. So if you’re the one in the higher vibration, you’re going to be feeding your partner energy. And so you’re going to get depleted.
(6:11) You might not even know why you feel depleted. And you’re also going to feel things from your partner that aren’t yours. And so that can be very confusing.
So when you’re in a time in your life where you’re making really big decisions, you want to be as clear as possible. You want to be in your own energy. You want to be clear.
You want to be connected with yourself and you want your divine guidance to be guiding you. You don’t want the influence from somebody else guiding you because it might not be in alignment with what is actually best for you. So I just think it’s really important to be aware energetically that you’re being affected by other people’s energy and that you’ve created cords with people you’ve been intimate with.
And that energy is flowing back and forth between the two of you, which a lot of people are not aware that exists. So it’s good to clear that. I think of it as like a chalkboard and you’re kind of erasing everything or a white board and you’re clearing it and you can kind of start over.
And you can start over actually with the same person or you can start over in a new relationship. But it’s good to clear it and kind of start over again as you develop and you grow and do it periodically. So I recommend healings every three months to six months at least as just general maintenance.
And then if you’re going through a difficult time, it’s good to have a healing probably once a week or once every two weeks and just stay on top of that. That’s what I would recommend. This is so good because when you’re getting divorced or you’re, let’s talk about before divorce process.
So when you’re at the part where you’re thinking about what to do and where to go from here, a lot of the decisions you’ll be making is like pointing the finger at the other person. You don’t do this. You don’t do that.
You don’t do this. You don’t do that. You don’t give me this.
You don’t give me that. Right? Those kinds of conversations. And a lot of it could be this energy that the two of you are sort of feeding each other over and over again.
So when you clear out all this stuff and muck, then you’re able to see clearly. And once you’re able to see clearly, you make better decisions that are better for the future. If you’re already separated or divorced, it is really ideal to clear out these cords and cut these cords.
And believe me, I did it many times with my ex to clear out whatever it was that was holding me back, whatever it was I was holding on to, whether it’s something that I was conscious to or I wasn’t, I knew that it existed. And I didn’t want whatever it was that we had to go into next relationships. So I highly encourage you to reach out to Rachel wherever you’re at in your divorce process and talk it out.
And I’m sure she’d be delighted to have a conversation with you to show you how it could work to your benefit. So thank you so much for this. This was really enlightening, like beyond imagination. Thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
1. Spirituality Can Support You Through Divorce: Spiritual practices help navigate the emotional and mental challenges of divorce, offering a sense of clarity and connection.
2. Healing Beyond Religion: Spirituality isn’t just about religion; it can be a personal journey of connecting with your inner self and the universe, regardless of your belief system.
3. Energy and Life Force: Understanding your body as an energetic being with life force can provide healing and help you feel more alive and centered during a difficult time.
4. Forgiveness and Compassion: Spirituality offers tools like forgiveness and compassion, which are essential for personal growth and overcoming past trauma.
5. Post-Divorce Growth: Embracing spirituality post-divorce can lead to deeper self-awareness, joy, and the ability to form healthier relationships in the future.
6. Personalized Spirituality: There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to spirituality—it’s a unique journey, and finding what resonates with you is key to healing.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Rachael, who’s an energetic healer here at Irooze, and we’re going to be talking about spirituality and how it’s tied to divorce. So whether you’re contemplating divorce and thinking, should I stay, should I go, what do I do, what is spirituality, how can it help you, and how can it help you post-divorce? So a lot of people think spirituality is only your connection with God or religion and all that, but there’s also spirituality with self. And so that’s something that we’re going to be talking about with Rachael. So really looking forward to hearing your wisdom here. Welcome, Rachael. Oh, thank you so much for having me here.
This is such a pleasure to be here on this platform, helping individuals going through this process. It’s definitely, you know, a trying time for people. It can be very painful, it can be confusing, or people can be very angry, resentful, and they can also trigger traumas and things from the past.
So definitely it’s a complex experience to have as a human being, and it’s really important to get support and help through the process. So whether you’re divorced or not, or whether you’re just in a time in your relationship where you’re looking at things where either there’s been, you know, abandonment or, you know, underlying or financial issues or whatever the problem is in the relationship, it’s good to address those things even before you’ve decided to actually end the relationship and get divorced, because these are signs that things need healing, really, is how I look at them. They’re kind of like symptoms.
They’re symptoms of something that’s going on within, you know, the people and inside each individual that, you know, can be addressed at any time. So I think it’s good to get support through that time. But also, let’s talk about spirituality, and I am going to define it in my way.
Now I think spirituality is definitely open for interpretation, because I think everybody feels and thinks differently about it. I definitely think for some people, religion is tied to spirituality for them, and that works for them. And I think for others, maybe religion didn’t really work for them.
It didn’t resonate with them. They didn’t get all the answers they were looking for. And there’s other ways of connecting, I think, spiritually to, you know, the universe.
It could be God, it could be the goddess, it could be nature. It could just be believing in yourself and love, you know, the energy of love as a cosmic kind of energy that runs through things. So I do think that spirituality, the general concept is to know that you are part of creation, and that that is inside of you.
(3:03) So you are a spiritual being that is also connected to all of the universe, right, or universes or galaxy or creation, whatever that is. So whatever you want to call it, however you want to label it, whatever you want to name it, it’s good to realize that you yourself are a spiritual being in some capacity, and that you are connected to the greater whole. And that can be defined in any way.
I work with people who are agnostic, atheists, different religions, anyone can do healing work, anyone can do energy work, it doesn’t really, you know, matter what the belief is. It’s just a matter of being open to healing, and opening yourself to something larger than yourself. And I also look at things through Chinese medicine, like, you know, qi or qi, you know, which is that life force energy that runs through all living things and all things.
Because, you know, if you think about it, if you think of your body and your being without energy running through it, what is that? I mean, basically, you wouldn’t be presenting as alive, right? So we know that there’s life force energy, and there’s energy that’s running through our bodies. And, you know, we can interpret that however we like. However, it’s still there.
And that’s why we’re alive. And so we have to understand we are spiritual, energetic beings. And that’s what makes us alive.
So it’s good to address that, as well as whatever else we might need, you know, the physical stuff, the emotional stuff, the financial help, you know, therapy, all of these things are so important for us. But I think it’s good to consider these healings, you know, as you’re going through the process. And then if you do decide to divorce, at least you’re going through it with a lot of support, and you’re getting clear help with your own process of healing and understanding your own, you know, spiritual nature.
And so after divorce, too, I think it amps up. It’s even more of a time where we can develop ourselves personally, whether it’s learning about compassion or forgiveness, which are really actually difficult. You know, they’re in spiritual practices for a reason.
It’s because they’re difficult. And we have to do that work, you know, again and again and again. And so it’s an opportunity for spiritual work to be done, right, whether it’s like unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion.
It actually spiritually develops us the more that we work on those things and we get wisdom from that. So we can take life after divorce and explore spirituality as almost like a spiritual practice as we go through it and come out even stronger, more aware, more wise and more clear about what we want to do next in our lives, what we want to experience, because we’re here to have joy. We’re here to have love.
(5:52) We’re here to have experiences that are so amazing. Right. And we’re here to connect with others.
There might be other people out there for you to connect with other friendships, other relationships that you might have not been open to. So, you know, life after divorce can be really amazing, actually. What you know, once you’ve kind of moved through it and you’ve you’ve really let go the best that you can, it can really be amazing and open doors.
You know, one of the things that I didn’t do at the very beginning is do spiritual work, but I found that I was moving away from religion at some point and really more into spirituality with self. And there was something that I love and I do it on a regular basis. So everyone is different, you know, and there’s no one size fits all.
That’s the whole idea of what we’re trying to say here. Spirituality means different things to different people. And we’re not here to judge. We’re not here to have you change your ways of being and thinking. It’s not that. It’s about really just completing your spirituality.
What does that mean to you? And this is what Rachel can help you do. This was so informative. This was so helpful from someone who’s been down the road of not being spiritual to being spiritual.
This was really a perfect explanation of what spirituality is and how it can help you throughout your divorce process, your decision making. You know, you’re going to make many choices and you want to make sure that they’re always in alignment with you. So if you want to reach out to Rachel, you have any questions, please feel free to DM her.
All her coordinates are here below. Make sure to send her a DM so that you can have a conversation. I’m sure she’d be delighted to have a talk with you and see if and how she can help you. Thank you, Rachael, for being here and exploring this with us. Thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Rachael, who’s an energetic healer here at Irooze, and we’re going to be talking about spirituality and how it’s tied to divorce. So whether you’re contemplating divorce and thinking, should I stay, should I go, what do I do, what is spirituality, how can it help you, and how can it help you post-divorce? So a lot of people think spirituality is only your connection with God or religion and all that, but there’s also spirituality with self. And so that’s something that we’re going to be talking about with Rachael. So really looking forward to hearing your wisdom here. Welcome, Rachael. Oh, thank you so much for having me here.
This is such a pleasure to be here on this platform, helping individuals going through this process. It’s definitely, you know, a trying time for people. It can be very painful, it can be confusing, or people can be very angry, resentful, and they can also trigger traumas and things from the past.
So definitely it’s a complex experience to have as a human being, and it’s really important to get support and help through the process. So whether you’re divorced or not, or whether you’re just in a time in your relationship where you’re looking at things where either there’s been, you know, abandonment or, you know, underlying or financial issues or whatever the problem is in the relationship, it’s good to address those things even before you’ve decided to actually end the relationship and get divorced, because these are signs that things need healing, really, is how I look at them. They’re kind of like symptoms.
They’re symptoms of something that’s going on within, you know, the people and inside each individual that, you know, can be addressed at any time. So I think it’s good to get support through that time. But also, let’s talk about spirituality, and I am going to define it in my way.
Now I think spirituality is definitely open for interpretation, because I think everybody feels and thinks differently about it. I definitely think for some people, religion is tied to spirituality for them, and that works for them. And I think for others, maybe religion didn’t really work for them.
It didn’t resonate with them. They didn’t get all the answers they were looking for. And there’s other ways of connecting, I think, spiritually to, you know, the universe.
It could be God, it could be the goddess, it could be nature. It could just be believing in yourself and love, you know, the energy of love as a cosmic kind of energy that runs through things. So I do think that spirituality, the general concept is to know that you are part of creation, and that that is inside of you.
(3:03) So you are a spiritual being that is also connected to all of the universe, right, or universes or galaxy or creation, whatever that is. So whatever you want to call it, however you want to label it, whatever you want to name it, it’s good to realize that you yourself are a spiritual being in some capacity, and that you are connected to the greater whole. And that can be defined in any way.
I work with people who are agnostic, atheists, different religions, anyone can do healing work, anyone can do energy work, it doesn’t really, you know, matter what the belief is. It’s just a matter of being open to healing, and opening yourself to something larger than yourself. And I also look at things through Chinese medicine, like, you know, qi or qi, you know, which is that life force energy that runs through all living things and all things.
Because, you know, if you think about it, if you think of your body and your being without energy running through it, what is that? I mean, basically, you wouldn’t be presenting as alive, right? So we know that there’s life force energy, and there’s energy that’s running through our bodies. And, you know, we can interpret that however we like. However, it’s still there.
And that’s why we’re alive. And so we have to understand we are spiritual, energetic beings. And that’s what makes us alive.
So it’s good to address that, as well as whatever else we might need, you know, the physical stuff, the emotional stuff, the financial help, you know, therapy, all of these things are so important for us. But I think it’s good to consider these healings, you know, as you’re going through the process. And then if you do decide to divorce, at least you’re going through it with a lot of support, and you’re getting clear help with your own process of healing and understanding your own, you know, spiritual nature.
And so after divorce, too, I think it amps up. It’s even more of a time where we can develop ourselves personally, whether it’s learning about compassion or forgiveness, which are really actually difficult. You know, they’re in spiritual practices for a reason.
It’s because they’re difficult. And we have to do that work, you know, again and again and again. And so it’s an opportunity for spiritual work to be done, right, whether it’s like unconditional love, forgiveness, compassion.
It actually spiritually develops us the more that we work on those things and we get wisdom from that. So we can take life after divorce and explore spirituality as almost like a spiritual practice as we go through it and come out even stronger, more aware, more wise and more clear about what we want to do next in our lives, what we want to experience, because we’re here to have joy. We’re here to have love.
(5:52) We’re here to have experiences that are so amazing. Right. And we’re here to connect with others.
There might be other people out there for you to connect with other friendships, other relationships that you might have not been open to. So, you know, life after divorce can be really amazing, actually. What you know, once you’ve kind of moved through it and you’ve you’ve really let go the best that you can, it can really be amazing and open doors.
You know, one of the things that I didn’t do at the very beginning is do spiritual work, but I found that I was moving away from religion at some point and really more into spirituality with self. And there was something that I love and I do it on a regular basis. So everyone is different, you know, and there’s no one size fits all.
That’s the whole idea of what we’re trying to say here. Spirituality means different things to different people. And we’re not here to judge. We’re not here to have you change your ways of being and thinking. It’s not that. It’s about really just completing your spirituality.
What does that mean to you? And this is what Rachel can help you do. This was so informative. This was so helpful from someone who’s been down the road of not being spiritual to being spiritual.
This was really a perfect explanation of what spirituality is and how it can help you throughout your divorce process, your decision making. You know, you’re going to make many choices and you want to make sure that they’re always in alignment with you. So if you want to reach out to Rachel, you have any questions, please feel free to DM her.
All her coordinates are here below. Make sure to send her a DM so that you can have a conversation. I’m sure she’d be delighted to have a talk with you and see if and how she can help you. Thank you, Rachael, for being here and exploring this with us. Thank you all for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you all a day that matters. Take care, everyone.
Spiritual Coach | Intuitive Healer
Life Transformation Coach | Akashic Guide
Franklin, TN
United States
About Caroline
Caroline Sequin is a Life Transformation Coach, Akashic Guide, Channel, and Intuitive Healer using The Akashic Records, Theta Healing, Reiki, Myofascial Release Therapy, and Massage Therapy. She has been a Licensed Massage Therapist for 18years and has been utilizing the Akashic Records to get even more results for her clients. Caroline has always been intuitive, using her intuition to help her clients have a successful life. She currently resides in Michigan and Florida.
As she accesses the Akashic Realm for her clients they come away with deep healing and legitimate action steps to quantum leap their life and business.
Her clients trust that she will give them exactly the session and healing they needed.
Trauma Healing & Emotional Resilience Coach
About Mihai
I specialize in rapid and permanent emotional healing using a revolutionary approach that integrates psychology, sub-cellular biology, and energy work. Many of my clients have carried emotional burdens for years, only to have them dissolved in just 1 to 3 sessions without the need for endless talk therapy.
Spiritual Coach
About Vikke Ford
Vikke Ford is a Legal Consultant, Certified Life Mastery Consultant and Georgia Attorney.
Divorce is one of the most difficult times in a person’s life. It’s like we change personalities and wonder what happened to our “perfect life”. As a divorcee and a single mom, I understand. I have been there more than once. The feelings of being lost, hopeless, lonely, unloved, guilty, and desperate remain in my memory. Understanding why divorce is so difficult is an area that I understand both spiritually and legally.
Explanation of what a legal consultant does versus what an attorney and a therapist do, highlighting the different focuses of each profession.
Discussion on the importance and challenges of representing oneself in legal matters, and how a legal consultant can provide valuable guidance.
Emphasis on the risks of seeking legal advice from friends and family, and the benefits of professional consultation.
The role of a legal consultant in helping individuals strategize their life plans, especially concerning settlement agreements during a divorce.
Insight into how a legal consultant can help foresee potential future issues that might arise from settlement agreements.
The importance of unbiased and nonjudgmental advice from a legal consultant, helping clients gain clarity and confidence.
The benefits of having a legal consultant as part of a support team, even when represented by an attorney, for additional guidance and emotional support.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Vikke Ford, who is a legal consultant in Georgia and also an attorney. And we’re going to be talking about what is a legal consultant versus an attorney versus a therapist? What is it that a legal consultant can do? And this is a very important conversation because some people are going pro se, some people are, you know, trying to represent themselves. Other times they have an attorney representing them and they just want to get additional advice or additional information or sort of think things through and all of that. One of the things that we always say is please try not to get legal advice from your friends and family. It is the worst thing that you can do. I’ve seen it many times over and so is Vicky, where people were completely misled and misguided and ended up, you know, down the rabbit hole of doing the wrong thing or taking the wrong step. And it either costs them time, stress and money. So thank you so much for being here, Vicky, with us. And please do share with us what is your role as a legal consultant and what does that mean to anyone who is either contemplating divorce, separated or in their divorce process? Well, hi. Thanks. It’s good to see you today.
Well, first off, when you’re in a therapist position or title, you’re working on mental health. You’re working on maybe some childhood issues. You just don’t know and no one really knows what a therapist is going to address. As an attorney, you’re looking at the legal aspects of your divorce.
(1:48) And that means going to court, filing any documents, time issues, those types of things. So that is what a lawyer will do as compared to a therapist. Now, if you are a mediator, which I am a divorce mediator, but I haven’t done it because when I was doing legal work as a divorce attorney, we were advised not to do mediation when there was domestic violence.
I haven’t done it for a couple of years, but I am certified in that. Four things I can do as a legal consultant for a divorced person or someone who’s going through a divorce is strategize your plans for your life. I mean, look at your settlement agreement and make sure that you can live with that settlement agreement, that means what your settlement agreement is is about your life. And of course, you have to agree with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, but you have to live with that settlement agreement. This is your time to take responsibility for yourself. It is important because sometimes when you call a legal consultant, you start talking.
(2:57) And when you start talking, you hear yourself talking, I’m like, oh my goodness, I solved my own situation. You know, you get insights sometimes from talking. Because with a legal consultant, you’re not going to get the bias and you’re not going to get the judgment. And it’s like, I don’t know your spouse and I don’t know your situation like you do. And so what I’m going to do is take a step back and look at it from a wider, broader viewpoint. And especially one of the talents that I have is being able to look in the future.
(3:30) I can see in a settlement agreement that it might feel good now, but I’m like, three years from now when the new spouses come in and the children get older and these kinds of things happen, that’s not a lawyer’s job to do that. It’s a legal consultant’s job to say, you know, this could occur. It doesn’t mean it will. But if this were to occur, how would you handle it? You know, would you be content with this? That type of thing is very important in a settlement agreement as far as a legal consultant and how that person would possibly work with you. Now, another aspect of legal consulting that I find very valuable is intuition. A lot of people don’t understand it, but we all have it. And one of the things that happens when we get stressed and when we go through a divorce is that we just don’t always trust ourselves. We don’t listen. We don’t say, well, you know, that doesn’t feel right, but the lawyer says it’s right.
(4:34) You know, somebody else says it’s right, but what about you? Do you feel it’s right? And so, yeah. And so intuition is that part of you that you have to trust. You have to trust, no matter whether you’re spiritual or not, we’re all intuitive. So you have to take responsibility for your own life. I want to tell you a real quick story. There was a soon-to-be ex and they had a pet. And she had inherited the pet from her, the soon-to-be ex’s deceased wife. But the little dog loved her so much. And so when the settlement agreement came, it was written by a lawyer.
(5:23) And what happened was that they said that the pet had visitation. You know, that the ex could come over to the other ex’s house and visit the pet. But guess what? That’s all they said. They didn’t say when, how, what terms. So what happened was the divorce occurred, the settlement agreement was signed, and this other spouse harassed. Oh, I got to see my pet. I got to see my pet. And so finally, as difficult as it was, this person had to give the pet away to the person probably should have had it to begin with. But, I mean, I don’t know, I’m a pet lover.
(6:06) And I can’t even imagine what they went through. But the guy didn’t care about the pet. He just wanted to see the person. And so I try not to put too many specifics in it. So, you know, no names, anything. And so that’s the kind of thing you want to look for. Yes, you want to get your divorce done. You want to get your settlement done. But those little teeny things can cause havoc in your life if you don’t look for the small details and what could happen in the future.
The other thing that a legal consultant does is unbiased and a nonjudgment viewpoints. Your insights is what you’re looking for. You go to people for insights. You eventually want to get them for yourself. You want to be so strong and so secure and unstuck and, you know, be certain so that these insights start coming into you naturally. And that a really good, you know, legal consultant will help you to find those insights for yourself.
(7:10) That’s very important. It’s not about getting them necessarily from me. I can guide you and say what’s, you know, pro and con in this situation.But it’s your insights that are going to give you the empowerment which is going to make your life better. The other thing that I get excited about is finding new dreams. Whether you’re in the divorce, that’s what keeps us from being stuck in life.
That’s what gives us our motivation when we wake up in the morning. Whether you have children or not, even if you have pets, it’s the dream, the new dream. And you will, you do have a new dream.
And I know you may not feel like it at this time, but there is a new dream, a new beginning. And I have wonderful courses that help with that and I do consult them. You know, I do all of the consulting.
(8:01) It’s one-on-one, it’s online, it’s very confidential. And what’s so great about this is you start to create your own life. And that’s where you get unstuck. And that’s where a legal consultant makes a difference. They don’t tell you what to do, how to do it. They may say, what step would you like to take? But it isn’t legal advice, that’s your lawyer’s job.
And even if you don’t have a lawyer, you don’t want to be given advice. You need to find that out for yourself. But a legal consultant can give you wisdom, insights to help you make your own insights, if that makes sense, in an unbiased and nonjudgmental way.
Absolutely. I represented myself many times throughout my divorce. And for many, many years, I was doing it on my own. Way back then, I mean, I got divorced 14 years ago, there really wasn’t legal consultants at the time. There was, you know, either you have a lawyer or you don’t have a lawyer. And recently, I started using legal consultants, whether retired judge or, you know, an attorney who also, you know, helps on the side, you know, where I don’t have to mandate the attorney.
(9:20) I could just ask for information, procedures, how do I do this, that, where do I get the documents, all that kind of stuff. And I can tell you that it’s really made a big difference. Not only that, but knowing how to show up in front of a judge, how do you explain things, what do you do? I mean, it’s not obvious, right? So if you’ve never done this before, it’s really something that you’d want to know more about.
If you’re really representing yourself, it’s very valuable as well. And if you have an attorney and you don’t want to pay the excessive, you know, billing hour, the hourly billing, and maybe you just want a second opinion and you want to just be human and share the stories and be able to vent and and and have someone to listen to you because you shouldn’t be doing that with your attorney, especially not at their billable rates. Right. So you are part of your support team. So you could have a legal consultant, even if you have an attorney or if you’re representing yourself. So if you’re in Georgia and you’re either contemplating divorce, you’re separated, you’re already in the divorce process.And this sounds interesting to you. Please feel free to reach out to Vicky. All her information is here below.
I’m sure she’ll be delighted to provide you a consultation, some guidance and direction just to let you know what it is you could do, how she can help you and you take it from there. Right. Thank you so much, Vicky, for being here with us and for sharing all this information with us. It was very enlightening. And thank you all for watching until the next time we speak. I wish you all a day that matters.
Learn the difference between responding calmly and reacting impulsively.
Understand when to be logical and when to express emotions, especially in negotiations.
Find daily relaxation techniques to clear your mind and reduce stress.
Focus on establishing a cooperative relationship with your ex for the sake of co-parenting.
Understand that rebuilding your life post-divorce takes time, typically three years for women and five years for men.
Keeping emotional balance is crucial for clarity and decision-making.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, a founder of Irooze, super pleased to be here with Vikke Ford, who is a personal coach, in addition to being a legal coach, and she’s based in Georgia. And today we’re going to be talking about how to handle and manage your emotional state, because your emotions can sabotage you, your life and your divorce process. And the most important thing to do is to really learn how to separate logic from emotions.
There’s a time to be emotional and a space to be emotional and people that you should be emotional with. And when you’re negotiating, when you’re talking to your spouse or to soon to be ex or your lawyer, whatever it is, you really have to think more on the logical side. You have to sort of like imagine that you are a business person, and you’re going into a business meeting, and you have to be really well structured and well mannered also in the way that you express yourself.
(1:07) One of the most important things that I’ve always taught people is how to make sure that you are responding and not reacting. And there’s a very big difference between the two. When someone tells you something that you don’t like to hear, if you respond back, you’re speaking quietly and calmly as I am right now. Reacting is like, what are you talking about? And you send a text message right away and all the chaos starts all over again. Those things are not going to help you, not now and not in the future. So Vikkeis going to be here with us today to share with us some tips and strategies on how to keep your emotional state. I do want to emphasize something. Vicke was an attorney, so she knows what it’s like. She knows what it feels like to come from the space of all this stuff going on all at the same time, while you’re trying to negotiate and build your life and figure things out.So many choices and opportunities and things to think about. But the most important thing is where do we go from here? So, Vikke, thank you so much for being here with us. Really looking forward to your shared wisdom.
(2:05) Well, thank you very much. It’s good to be here. I’ve been through so much, y’all, that I have a lot to talk about with this. It is vital that you find some way to go and relax every day, because the divorce whole process is very, very stressful. And you can’t think clearly. A lot of times the answers don’t come to you as clearly when you’re all stressed out.
It’s like a cloud is above you, and the information that you’re trying to get, you’re asking for it. You know, show me what to do. What should I do next? The information may be there, but if you can’t settle yourself down, you don’t always hear it.
If you’re sitting at a table and your ex is there, well, your soon-to-be ex is there, and he’s saying all these things, and you know they’re not true, and you know, et cetera, et cetera, just keep your balance. That’s when you have to ask for help. You just internally ask for help, and I can help you to know how to do that.
(3:12) You have to take a break from responding right away. It’s not that you may not be upset, but you just have to take a break, and you have to just count. Sometimes five, count to five and just say, you know what, wait before you respond.Now, the other thing that I have found that is very, very helpful is to go take walks. Now, I’m making it very simple for you because these are the kinds of things, no matter where you live, taking a walk, getting on a treadmill, doing something to release that energy. We all are energy. It doesn’t matter what. I mean, that’s just the natural laws. There are spiritual laws, and there are legal laws.
We are all energy. And when you’re coming into a field of stress, the only way that you can be proactive about it is to find your own inner peace within you so that you don’t go overboard and get overwhelmed. Uncertainty is one of the hardest aspects of divorce because you don’t know what’s going to go on, but you can find that out. You can make a journal. You can do simple things, y’all. I know you’re busy. I know you may have children. You may have other responsibilities. I don’t know, but I do know that you can do this, and you have to take one step at a time.
(4:40)That keeps you from getting overwhelmed. One of the best ways to get unstuck in a situation doesn’t mean just totally your life, but in a situation, is to take a small step. So if your lawyer tells you to do something, and you know that he’s right, and you know that you’ve got this soon-to-be ex coming at you from a different viewpoint, then at that time, you need to just, you’ve got to get a sense of self.
Now, there’s one thing I do want to share with you because I’ve only represented women with the many years that I was a divorce attorney. You have to remember that no matter what you’re doing, just assume. I’m not saying you’re being watched.
(5:28)I’m not saying that, but just assume that you are, and then that way you don’t go off and date somebody or do something necessarily that might not be in your best interest because you’re frustrated. You’re emotionally upset. So you go and you find another avenue to possibly confuse the matter even more. This is a time of self-reflection. If you can all realize that this is your time. There’s a reason for this divorce. I’m not saying whose fault it is. I didn’t say that. There’s a reason for it.
(6:03) At this time, it is your chance to discover who you are. Really find out who you are. If you’re young, you may say, oh, well, you know, I can find another husband, you know, whatever. If you’re older as I was when I went through my divorce, it’s like, whoa, you know, what’s going to happen now? So I’m very practical when it comes to emotions because it is key to stay balanced. And there are ways that you can do this. There are definitely ways, and I can teach you these ways because it is probably one of the most important aspects of it.
Because when you’re in the courtroom and you’re talking to your lawyer, you still need to be calm because you got to be able to listen. And what I would do is to focus in on what’s being said to you instead of what’s in your mind. What did he just say? What did the lawyer say? What did my ex say? Really grasp on what is he really saying? It’s a human behavior.
What is he really, really saying? Because there’s a game being played here. And if you know the game, then you can be the one that’s feeling in control and not this overwhelmed, uncertain person that is just like, how am I going to get through another day? So I hope that helps. That was amazing.
And actually, I was going back in my memory from 14 years ago when I got divorced and I took out four main nuggets that I wanted to also emphasize. Number one is there is no rush. When you get an email, you do not have to respond in the first two minutes.
(7:53) Number one. Number two, the more time you take to just sit, reflect and think about it, the less aggressive your response is going to be. The less aggressive it’s going to be, the less the other person is going to get triggered and start attacking back. You don’t want to start like, you know, throw guns blazing one one against the other because it’s not going to do you any good. So number one is there is no rush. There is no urgency.
You can wait half an hour. You can wait an hour unless it’s something about the kids and the pickup and things like that. OK, but if it’s not and it’s not that urgent, then just prove and show that you’re not going to get pushed around and that you are going to be really solid and on your two feet and understanding that I’m going to answer you when the time is good.
(8:38) That’s number one. Yeah. I wanted to say something if I could. Yeah. Yeah. There was a situation where someone, the husband wrote something in an email and the client did not respond and she sent the email to the lawyer and the lawyer at that point, that is what settled the case because he was making terroristic threats.
(9:01) She didn’t even know it, but he was making terrorist threats against her. And that is what solved the whole case. And if she had responded to that, then. And it would have been exactly. And, you know, there’s so many situations where, you know, for many years I worked as a divorce coach. And one of the things that I always told people is that you have to understand that there is a transition time just because you got divorced does not mean that you have to rebuild your new life in five minutes.
It doesn’t work that way. Psychologically speaking, it takes women three years to rebuild their lives and it takes men five years. That means that there’s actually a lot of work that has to be done.
First of all, it’s not just about, oh, well, you know, we’re you know, everything is OK and I can go on with my life. You cannot go on with your life until you actually start living your new life. So you don’t go jumping into someone else’s arms or, you know, or going to do other things like major drastic changes because it’s not going to last.
(10:02)It’s impossible because you’re still in the mode of trying to figure out the fear, the loss process, all of that. It’s like every day. You’re going to be like a roller coaster ride. Every day is going to be a different day. And the other thing that I wanted to mention was you’d mentioned Vicky balance. And it’s very important to have that balance because that balance is going to bring you clarity.
(10:23)That clarity is going to bring you resolution. And the resolution is going to give you the possibility to be able to coexist with the other parent. If you guys start butting heads from the very beginning, from day one, I guarantee you you’re not going to end up being even, even having the discussion of co-parenting is not going to be a possibility.
Co-existing is like a low, a level lower, but below co-parenting. Right. Because co-existing means we don’t really get along, but we’ll have to figure out a way so that we can raise the children. So you won’t be able to co-exist at the lowest level. Right. If you don’t have that balance, if you don’t have that certainty.
There is so much we can talk about. We can spend, you know, a whole day talking about this because there’s a lot of golden nuggets here. Thank you so much, Vikke, for being here with us. If you live in Georgia and this resonates with you and you’d like some more information, please feel free to reach out to Vikke. All her coordinates are here below. I’m sure she’d be delighted to speak with you and provide you with that clarity that you’re looking for. Thank you so much for being here, Vikke. Thank you so much for watching. Until the next time we speak, I wish you a day that matters.
Explore the transition from dependency to independence, emphasizing the need for women to secure their financial future regardless of marital status.
Learn practical strategies for becoming financially independent, including seeking employment, updating skills, and networking.
Understand the emotional and practical hurdles of transitioning to financial independence post-divorce and gain insight into navigating these challenges.
Discover how Vicky’s expertise as a legal coach can help women in Georgia navigate the legal aspects of divorce while also empowering them to rebuild their lives personally and professionally.
Hi, this is Ravit Rose, founder of Irooze. Super pleased to be here with Vikke Ford, who is a personal coach as well as a legal coach in Georgia. And we are here today targeting a very important conversation on how it’s important for women to become independent. What does that mean to become independent, especially when you’re going through a divorce, whether you were a stay-at-home mom and you didn’t have an income, and now you need to go back into the workforce, or you’re starting to think about rebuilding your life. What does that mean? What do you need to do? What do you need to think about? So just to give you a little recap, Vikke has many years experience as a family lawyer, so she knows exactly what it entails on the legal side, but we’re here to focus more about you, and to focus on how we can help you to move forward in life. And one of the most important things that I always say to everyone that I speak with is, you really have to focus on becoming completely a separate entity to your soon-to-be ex-husband.
The most important thing is that you want to make sure you can pay your own bills, buy your own food, and do the things that you need to do without having to rely, sorry, rely or depend on his income, his checks, and his money every month. Because that money can come and go, but at the end of the day, you still have to feed your kids. You still have to take care of yourself. What do you do? So Vicky, thank you so much for being here with us. Really looking forward to hearing your wisdom and experiences with us. Well, thank you very much.
I will share that when I first got my divorce a long, long time ago, because I’ve been married more than once, and I went to a divorce attorney, and the first thing she said was, my darling, you need to get a job. And I’m like, wait a minute. I’m married to a wealthy man. I shouldn’t have to get a job. And I went through this whole rigmarole about not being responsible. He is. So I know how you feel. I’m just saying that there are two ways to live life. One is to be completely independent, and the other one is to be completely dependent. And I’ve been to both places, so I’m going to tell you with wisdom. It is so much easier to be independent. So let’s just say that you have worked in the past.
I’m not saying you have or haven’t, but let’s say that you have, and you didn’t like the job that you went to, that you gave up when you got married, but yet you know what you’re doing with it. It might be a really good start. Another way is to just start talking to people. Look online. Get a resume ready. Take a little step at a time.
(2:55) Don’t get like, oh my heavens, I’ve got to create a career of being a medical doctor in one year. My recommendation is to take one baby step every single day. Believe in yourself. That is the first step. Henry Ford said, you can or you can’t. If you believe you can, you will. If you believe you can’t, you will. So I want to share that with you because being independent financially is a freedom that you will love having. And I will tell you a real quick story.
I knew someone in the court system that was not independent financially, and their child was being abused. They stayed with the child support. Well, the child support should have been there anyway, but they stayed with the alimony and a high child support just so that she wouldn’t talk about it.
Now for me personally, that was not my client, but that is a very tough situation to be in when you know that someone that you love, even if it’s just yourself that you love, is having to put up with something that you don’t believe is right or you know it’s not right. Whether it be spiritually or just emotionally, you know that you need to do something. So take a baby step.
(4:22) Find out what you love. Find out what you used to love and find out something that you can make a living with from that. And then take a baby step every day. Make a little goal for yourself and say, oh, let me go to Indeed. Let me go to LinkedIn. Let me see what kind of skills I have that would match something else that I can make a living on. If you need to work outside the home, be aware of your driving distance, how much it’s going to cost you. Economically, it’s very important to know what the fees are going to be for all of these external expenses that you may have. So do some investigation. If you’re at that stage in your life where you can’t really do anything outside of what the lawyer’s telling you to do, then start investigating. No one’s going to know what you’re investigating. Just do what you need to do to start the ball rolling.
(5:23)Become independent. You can do it. You just have to take baby steps. Some of you may already have a degree and you may already have a way to make a living. And you may just have given it up during your marriage because you were supporting your husband in his business. I understand that. And so in that case, you just have to take responsibility. Sometimes it’s hard. It’s like, I gave him so much. You know, I did this. I did that. Yet when it all comes down to it, real happiness comes from knowing you can do it yourself.
Absolutely. And I know that, you know, from my own experiences, it was a very difficult transition to go from relying on the monthlies, you know, especially at the beginning and really working towards not looking for that money anymore. And it’s a big transition.
(6:21) And it’s sort of against the status quo of like what we talk about in the world out there of divorce. But coming from two people who’ve been that down that road personally and professionally, I highly recommend that you focus on rebuilding your life, restructuring it the way you need it to be, really thinking through what do I need to do in order to have this, you know, free, more freedom, more, you know, more space to do what I want to do and what feels good for me and for my children without having to wait or rely on someone else to provide me so that I can go and do that. And sometimes it’s a very different thought process from when you’re married and you know, maybe you’re a stay at home mom or you took care of the kids when they were young and all of that.
It’s really a different mentality and a whole different process for you. So one of the beauties with Vicky is that she is also a legal coach. So she can help you to create and draft this sort of like, you know, new post-divorce life.
You know, who are you? Who do you want to be? How are you going to get there? You know, what are the different components that you’re going to need on maybe the legal side in order to allow you to go into this and to have and to build this on a personal side. So if you’re living in Georgia and this is something that’s of interest to you, if you’re, whether you’re contemplating divorce, whether you’re separated, whether you’re divorced already, and you’re trying to figure out what to do and where to go from here, I highly recommend you speak to Vikke. All her coordinates are here below. I’m sure she’d be delighted to have a consultation with you and further explore how she can help you. So thank you so much, Vikke, for being here, for sharing this wisdom with us. Thank you all for being here. Until the next time we speak, I wish you a day that matters.
Just as every couple is different, so is every divorce. Some couples can use checklists and other free resources to DIY their divorce through the California court system, while others need more help.
[This section is cusomized by state]
Others, including couples with at least one spouse in the military or couples with complicated scenarios (substantial assets, debts, custody concerns, an uncooperative spouse), must follow additional rules.
Some couples that have a simple divorce (minimal assets, no children, etc.) can use a summary dissolution to end their marriages more quickly and easily than a standard divorce.
Feeling overwhelmed by divorce? You’re not the only one.
With the free Irooze Self-Assessment, you’ll instantly see exactly how far you’ve come in your divorce journey, identify where you are now, and map the next step you need to take.
Divorce in California can raise a lot of questions, especially around child custody, child support, alimony, and how property is divided.
A mandatory 6‑month waiting period applies after the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage is served.
California is a community property state: property (and debt) acquired during the marriage is presumed community and generally split 50/50. Separate property (own before marriage, gifts/inheritance, or acquired after separation) is kept by each spouse.
The date of separation is when one spouse tells the other (by words or conduct) that the marriage is over and shows consistent behavior reflecting that intent. Property/debt classification often depends on that date. For more information.
Debt incurred during the marriage is generally community debt and subject to equal division unless the spouses agree otherwise or it’s proven separate. Debts after separation are treated as separate.
Yes. Spouses can agree to a different division of community property, subject to the court’s approval. If no agreement is reached, courts generally divide community property equally.
Not necessarily, but having legal advice is strongly recommended especially for complex cases (high assets, business interests, retirement accounts, etc.). You and your spouse can reach agreement (settlement) and submit it to the court for approval.
When separate property and community property are mixed (for instance, separate funds used to improve a shared home or separate inheritance put into joint accounts), tracing is required to determine what portion remains separate. If tracing is not possible, the property may become community.
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